here's my blurry iphone pic...

of the totally on schedule little doo-dad-thingy inside me.  The heartbeat was 124.  Last time we all had to be quiet and hold still to hear it and today it was loud and easy to spot on the monitor.... everything measured on schedule.  My next appt is in 2 weeks and is my graduation from my RE.  I told him it doesn't seem real... he said it's been some journey for all of us.  I told him he should get to count me as 3 pregnancies for his stats.  He agreed.

It's time for me to transition to an ob-gyn.  He also said my miscarriage rate is down to 10% and at the next appt. it will be 2-3%.  We were so nervous today leading up to this.  I feel good.  Hoping this feeling lasts.

7 weeks tomorrow

Last night in Palm Springs.  It's been so nice... but so much of this trip has been avoiding things cause I'm preg, getting back to our room in time for my shot at night... ALL worth it.  IF all is well.  I feel like a bit of a poser now "acting" pregnant.  I think tomorrow might go well... but if it doesn't, all these little moments of taking care of myself like I'm pregnant will feel so dumb.  I started reading pregnancy books.  It got me a little emotional because I've been trying to look at this as another step in ivf (to get through it) and not as in the whole life inside of me thing.  I skip the chapters about adjusting to the shock of accidentally getting knocked up.  I don't know when I will start feeling like a legit preggo.  Hopefully tomorrow's u/s will help get me a step closer.

brand new day

I went to bed blood free.  Woke up blood free.  So... hopefully everything is going peachy keen all up in my reproductive areas.  C and I are off to Palm Springs for a couple days.  I am not allowed to swim.  Of course no drinking.  Our hotel room comes with a massage/day but I don't really want anyone touching me below the neck or above the knee. If you know Palm Springs in the summer.... that doesn't leave me a lot to do.  I will be able to sit in the shade, put my feet in the water, drink icy virgin drinks, sleep, eat, shop... it will still be fun.  Then we drive back Wed. afternoon to hopefully see an even faster heartbeat and that everything is progressing on schedule.  I have work to do, so that will keep my brain busy if I start going baby crazy.  At this second, other than feeling mildly nauseous and bloated, I don't feel pregnant.  Not that I'm itching to barf, but I wouldn't mind a little reassurance.

meh

Still some light bleeding.  No cramps so I don't think I'm having a misscariage.  See... I can't even spell that word... so that's how much I'm not planning on having one!  Still, not awesome to wake up and pee in the middle of the night and see blood.  Took a long time to fall back to sleep.  The only thing "comforting" is that if I am at the beginning of miscarrying, I can't do anything about it.  It's just so unsettling to still be bleeding.  Will be trying to not worry too much.  Ha.

doing okay

The bleeding was way lighter today.  RE didn't think I needed to come in for an ultrasound.  My next one is Wed. afternoon.  I'm working from the home for the next month.  It's such a time marker... by the time I go back, I'll either be at the end of my first trimester or having just gotten through something horrible.  I'm feeling/hoping/wishing/sacrificing animals so that it'll be the first trimester thing.  I can't even imagine what it will be like to announce to my coworkers what's going on.  I've been such a figure of baby doom there since a ton of people have had babies since we started there.  It doesn't even seem plausible that something this good could possibly be happening.

6 weeks 1 day

Went in a nervous wreck.  RE said my file's getting thick and that's not good.  Awesome.  But then we did the ultrasound....

We saw a sac.  A yolk.  And a heartbeat!   Best case scenario!  Other than an official document promising me a live birth in Feb.

Spent today feeling really good.  Just went to dinner to celebrate/eat some fish to help grow this baby.  Then came home, pulled my pants down to pee only to find... blood (and a tiny little clot thing).  Called my RE.  He said it might just be that my junk is irritated from the suppositories I have to do twice a day.  I asked if it's from the vag wand from the ultrasound.  He said maybe.  And that I shouldn't freak out, but shouldn't ignore it.  And to tell him how I'm doing tomorrow.  So... we had a day to just feel good.  I still feel okay... but am a little more nervous.  The second I saw the blood I saw a flash of it all going away.  Hopefully that's the last dose of that.  So... great morning, good day, concerning evening.

Gah! Hurry up, ultrasound!

I cannot wait to see if this thing is happening or not.  "This thing" being the start of our family/end to a miserable time for us.  I have nothing new to say.  Just going a little crazy.  I still have some symptoms... but so badly need to see that we're on track.  That it's still happening.  Just have to get through tomorrow and we'll know.  Or at least know more.

Waiting for Thursday

I really feel like I'm just trying to trick myself to keep my brain busy so time passes faster.  I still "feel" pregnant.  My body is weird.  I know something's going on.  I know the odds are we will come out of this with a baby.  But I also know I could show up Thursday and see that there's something not right with the pregnancy.  And that it's over.  And that we have to start over.

My dad said the fam who knows I just did an ivf cycle is asking how it went and he's playing dumb.  Normally I wouldn't want to announce anything before end of first trimester... but I feel weird that the same people who were being supportive and checking in on me are being kept in the dark.  I think if we get to a point where we see a heartbeat I'll give my dad the okay to tell my grandma/uncles.  If I miscarry after that point I'll want my family's support anyway.... love how ivf takes the fun out of this stuff.

A long, long time ago

BFF and I bought a ton of Dollar Store preg tests.  Like, thirty.  It was back when I first started TTC.  I had one left and decided to try it this morning.  I've never seen a positive (except the one I took the other day that was a fancy brand) and I know that the dollar store ones start showing positive at 250 hcg.  So even though Monday's beta was 366 and 250 doesn't mean anything.  I did it.  I unwrapped it and saw it expires this month.  That's how long ago I bought it.  Back in the day when I had just gone off the pill and wasn't getting my period and wanted to see if it's cause I was preg.  Little did I know it was the start to a long, long road of shit.  And that none of those tests would ever be positive.  Until this last little dude.

5 weeks

Today I'm 5 weeks pregnant.  I think.  It's five weeks from retrieval which some timelines go by ( a couple said yesterday was it)... this makes sense.  I'm going with it.  So... 5 weeks.  I don't feel pregnant at all. The nausea has been gone for 2 days.  There's no black and white sign.  I have this lingering sadness.... just waiting for next Thurs.'s ultrasound to tell me we're still in this.  I'm trying to stay positive which mostly means ignoring as much as I can that I'm supposed to be pregnant.  I'm trying to eat right in case.  Trying to drink water and get as much sleep as I can.  But I don't even feel as tired as I did thru Monday.    It could all be nothing so I'm trying not to dwell on this shit.  Don't want to spend 9 months (if I get that far) feeling sad and worried.  I promise if next Thur's ultrasound is good to try and take that as a victory and not immediately jump to when do we see a heartbeat.  Or I promise to try :)

Ho. Lee. Shit.

366!  Still pregnant.  My next appt is my first ultrasound next Thurs.  Maybe this is it!  I have some symptoms already (some I have anyway -- pee a lot, tired from work... but I think they are actually happening): generally tired, low appetite, some acidy burps after I eat, peeing middle of the night, insomnia (is that a symptom?), TMI but my nipples are bigger and darker already... and this morning I was fairly nauseous.  I'm sure this will change but I love that I feel any of this because it makes the whole thing feel more legit.  Of course I'm still terrified it will all go away but so far so good.

Oh, and walked into the small room where i work and realized it had been freshly painted with no windows open all weekend.  So I'm sitting in paint fumes with a few cracked windows.  This early along I think it's okay... but yeesh... we worked so hard to get pregnant... don't want this little guy turning to mush from paint fumes.  That's how science works, right?

aye ya yaye

So... a little nervous for tomorrow.  Beta number three.  I don't even know exactly what number I should be hoping for.  This weekend was spent going back and forth between feeling happy relief that we might actually get to be moving on to a much happier part of our lives... and the fear that at some point this could all just go away.  I'm going to ask my RE tomorrow if there's any extra blood work we should be doing regarding my thyroid/hormonal shit.  2 things that can cause miscarriages.  I want to trust that he'd be on it if there were real issues already, but REs seem to wait to deal with miscarriage issues until you've had more than one and I can't deal with that.  I feel like if something bad happened I have no emotional reserve to deal with it right now.  If there's nothing I can do to prevent it, I'll try and sit back and hope for the best...

check and check.

86!  I'm still in the game.  Got through the next checkpoint... would not have minded a bigger number but since doubling time is 48-72 hours.... 86 is good.  A nice hearty number.  I have another beta on Monday and if all goes well it should be my last before my first ultra sound.  How do people do this?  Waiting for each thing is so stressful.  Though... it's less stressful than I thought.  My mind can still drift and focus on other things... I think I am still in shock... the looming threat of a phone call to tell me I'm still stuck in ivf world is so scary... and I've escaped it for the whole weekend.  And today I learned for $25 they'll rush my bloodwork so it comes in a couple hours earlier.  Why didn't they say this before!!!!????

This feels not-real.  But I'll take not-real over gut wrenching upset any day.

ay.

I'm off to get my blood drawn and than I wait.  All day.  I'm all ready feeling jittery.  Going to be a long day.

46.

That is my beta.  I'm pregnant.  For now.  Day 13.  The big next step is seeing if that number doubles for beta #2 on Thursday.  I am happy.  But still won't believe it until we clear the next step.  I know pregnancy is full of "next steps" and I might be saying this the whole way... but right now Thursday feels like one of the biggest next steps of the whole thing.  So glad we got good news.  Thanks for your thoughts, prayers, patience with me whining, etc.  Hopefully there will be more good news soon.

beta tomorrow

I am not feeling very optimistic.  Yesterday I did a home test in the afternoon (I had just peed recently and you're supposed to use first morning pee -- and yes, maybe it's a little early) but it was negative.  It gave me my first wave of disappointment.  It might not mean anything.  We'll know tomorrow. I am just so tired of ivf. And for those of you who read this and know me in real life -- I'm so tired of this drain on the other people in my life.  I hope for all involved that I get good news... but I'm so used to getting not great news I can't imagine a reality where this just ends and we get a kid.  I'm dreading getting this call at work.  Dreading having to go about my day as if I didn't just get crushing news.  And of course part of me is very hopeful.  I'm too scared to test at home again so I'll just be desperately clutching my cell phone all day.

First day w/o meds!***

***regular ivf stuff not included.  But no valium, no nausea pills.  The first day where I woke up and didn't feel significantly bad.  I had to pee and I tried to ignore it to sleep in -- but the longer I did, the more my right ovary hurt (they're swollen, bladder's nearby).  So I got up but it continues to be sore.  But who cares?  Cause everything else is so much better.  I'm still energy-less.  Went out to breakfast, drove to a few errands with C then had to come home and sleep.  But I am just so grateful to feel this much better.  It's like when you're feverish and it clears.  C and I feel like we've been out of the country for a week because everything has been put off.  We had a bunch of stuff we were going to plan for the summer, some stuff we were going to take care of for the house...  Things just keep popping into my head like I've been drunk for a week -- things that happened, people I was supposed to email... anyway, feels good to be back.  Or almost back.

Of course now that I have any energy to think -- my thoughts go to am I preg or not.  C and I both don't want to test at home yet.  We're both scared about dealing with it being negative.  We will go crazy and get upset.  Even though last time my tests were negative, it's cause my beta was so low.  If that happened this time, I still would be worried that it's because the embryos weren't good and that even if one implanted it would be fizzling out.  So, unless we're get a clear positive result -- it's going to be horrible and we're just not ready to deal with that.

end of bedrest

Today is day 2 of bedrest.  It is so different for fresh (plus OHSS) cycles than for frozen.  Frozen was like a forced tv watching vacation where I actually got a little bored.  This past bed rest was just making it through the day.  The mornings and late nights before bed are the worst times.  My stomach feels intensely tender, heavy, nauseous... my breathing is a little labored, I get easily winded, there's pressure in my chest and back.  And yesterday I started getting abdominal cramps -- not horrible ones -- but that's what sent me to the er last time so it scares me.  It all does.  Because I never know what's around the corner, when it will end.. plus treatment's all up to me.  Do I feel bad enough to take pain meds?  Bad enough to get the fluid drained?  Bad enough to go to the hospital?  I wish there were black and white things to look for.  Then there's the emotional stuff going on that I'm really just trying to ignore.

Today's physical stuff was worse than yesterday's... which makes me nervous about going back to work tomorrow.  I know the morning will be hard.  I already washed my hair, picked out something I can wear without being too uncomfortable... I know I'll be okay for parts of the day and not okay for others.  It will be fine.  I just have to make it to the weekend to recover.  I've been drinking about 3 cans of soup per day for the salt.  It's so fucking gross.  Especially first thing in the morning when I'm desperate to feel better.

All that whining aside -- the rational part of me thinks I'm doing better with the OHSS this time.  I don't think I'll wind up in the ER this time... I don't think I'll ask to get tapped (fluid drained thru needle in vag) unless I get way worse... especially not with those 3 embies inside of me.  I guess if I really struggle at work I can lay down for a bit.  I'm nervous about people even asking me about it because right now if I talk about it I get upset.  I don't want to make it weird... but I work in a place where we joke about everything and I am not in a place where I can laugh about any of it.  They have no idea what I've been going through physically (not that they should) and the last thing they knew is I was excited about how many eggs fertilized... i don't think I have the energy to act like it's all good.  Will try my best.

Need to get an extreme hobby (kite surfing, roller derby, sausage enthusiast?) so I can be known for something other than ivf.

Oh, and special shout out to the husbo: he has been on non stop cooking, grocery shopping, dishes, laundry, shot prep and administering, suppository fetching, really everything fetching, watching shitty tv with me, comforting, staying positive for us, handling my mood swings well and general nurse and doc duties since retrieval one week ago.  And he has a day job.  He's the best.  I know he'll make an amazing dad.