aye ya yaye

So... a little nervous for tomorrow.  Beta number three.  I don't even know exactly what number I should be hoping for.  This weekend was spent going back and forth between feeling happy relief that we might actually get to be moving on to a much happier part of our lives... and the fear that at some point this could all just go away.  I'm going to ask my RE tomorrow if there's any extra blood work we should be doing regarding my thyroid/hormonal shit.  2 things that can cause miscarriages.  I want to trust that he'd be on it if there were real issues already, but REs seem to wait to deal with miscarriage issues until you've had more than one and I can't deal with that.  I feel like if something bad happened I have no emotional reserve to deal with it right now.  If there's nothing I can do to prevent it, I'll try and sit back and hope for the best...

check and check.

86!  I'm still in the game.  Got through the next checkpoint... would not have minded a bigger number but since doubling time is 48-72 hours.... 86 is good.  A nice hearty number.  I have another beta on Monday and if all goes well it should be my last before my first ultra sound.  How do people do this?  Waiting for each thing is so stressful.  Though... it's less stressful than I thought.  My mind can still drift and focus on other things... I think I am still in shock... the looming threat of a phone call to tell me I'm still stuck in ivf world is so scary... and I've escaped it for the whole weekend.  And today I learned for $25 they'll rush my bloodwork so it comes in a couple hours earlier.  Why didn't they say this before!!!!????

This feels not-real.  But I'll take not-real over gut wrenching upset any day.

ay.

I'm off to get my blood drawn and than I wait.  All day.  I'm all ready feeling jittery.  Going to be a long day.

46.

That is my beta.  I'm pregnant.  For now.  Day 13.  The big next step is seeing if that number doubles for beta #2 on Thursday.  I am happy.  But still won't believe it until we clear the next step.  I know pregnancy is full of "next steps" and I might be saying this the whole way... but right now Thursday feels like one of the biggest next steps of the whole thing.  So glad we got good news.  Thanks for your thoughts, prayers, patience with me whining, etc.  Hopefully there will be more good news soon.

beta tomorrow

I am not feeling very optimistic.  Yesterday I did a home test in the afternoon (I had just peed recently and you're supposed to use first morning pee -- and yes, maybe it's a little early) but it was negative.  It gave me my first wave of disappointment.  It might not mean anything.  We'll know tomorrow. I am just so tired of ivf. And for those of you who read this and know me in real life -- I'm so tired of this drain on the other people in my life.  I hope for all involved that I get good news... but I'm so used to getting not great news I can't imagine a reality where this just ends and we get a kid.  I'm dreading getting this call at work.  Dreading having to go about my day as if I didn't just get crushing news.  And of course part of me is very hopeful.  I'm too scared to test at home again so I'll just be desperately clutching my cell phone all day.

First day w/o meds!***

***regular ivf stuff not included.  But no valium, no nausea pills.  The first day where I woke up and didn't feel significantly bad.  I had to pee and I tried to ignore it to sleep in -- but the longer I did, the more my right ovary hurt (they're swollen, bladder's nearby).  So I got up but it continues to be sore.  But who cares?  Cause everything else is so much better.  I'm still energy-less.  Went out to breakfast, drove to a few errands with C then had to come home and sleep.  But I am just so grateful to feel this much better.  It's like when you're feverish and it clears.  C and I feel like we've been out of the country for a week because everything has been put off.  We had a bunch of stuff we were going to plan for the summer, some stuff we were going to take care of for the house...  Things just keep popping into my head like I've been drunk for a week -- things that happened, people I was supposed to email... anyway, feels good to be back.  Or almost back.

Of course now that I have any energy to think -- my thoughts go to am I preg or not.  C and I both don't want to test at home yet.  We're both scared about dealing with it being negative.  We will go crazy and get upset.  Even though last time my tests were negative, it's cause my beta was so low.  If that happened this time, I still would be worried that it's because the embryos weren't good and that even if one implanted it would be fizzling out.  So, unless we're get a clear positive result -- it's going to be horrible and we're just not ready to deal with that.

end of bedrest

Today is day 2 of bedrest.  It is so different for fresh (plus OHSS) cycles than for frozen.  Frozen was like a forced tv watching vacation where I actually got a little bored.  This past bed rest was just making it through the day.  The mornings and late nights before bed are the worst times.  My stomach feels intensely tender, heavy, nauseous... my breathing is a little labored, I get easily winded, there's pressure in my chest and back.  And yesterday I started getting abdominal cramps -- not horrible ones -- but that's what sent me to the er last time so it scares me.  It all does.  Because I never know what's around the corner, when it will end.. plus treatment's all up to me.  Do I feel bad enough to take pain meds?  Bad enough to get the fluid drained?  Bad enough to go to the hospital?  I wish there were black and white things to look for.  Then there's the emotional stuff going on that I'm really just trying to ignore.

Today's physical stuff was worse than yesterday's... which makes me nervous about going back to work tomorrow.  I know the morning will be hard.  I already washed my hair, picked out something I can wear without being too uncomfortable... I know I'll be okay for parts of the day and not okay for others.  It will be fine.  I just have to make it to the weekend to recover.  I've been drinking about 3 cans of soup per day for the salt.  It's so fucking gross.  Especially first thing in the morning when I'm desperate to feel better.

All that whining aside -- the rational part of me thinks I'm doing better with the OHSS this time.  I don't think I'll wind up in the ER this time... I don't think I'll ask to get tapped (fluid drained thru needle in vag) unless I get way worse... especially not with those 3 embies inside of me.  I guess if I really struggle at work I can lay down for a bit.  I'm nervous about people even asking me about it because right now if I talk about it I get upset.  I don't want to make it weird... but I work in a place where we joke about everything and I am not in a place where I can laugh about any of it.  They have no idea what I've been going through physically (not that they should) and the last thing they knew is I was excited about how many eggs fertilized... i don't think I have the energy to act like it's all good.  Will try my best.

Need to get an extreme hobby (kite surfing, roller derby, sausage enthusiast?) so I can be known for something other than ivf.

Oh, and special shout out to the husbo: he has been on non stop cooking, grocery shopping, dishes, laundry, shot prep and administering, suppository fetching, really everything fetching, watching shitty tv with me, comforting, staying positive for us, handling my mood swings well and general nurse and doc duties since retrieval one week ago.  And he has a day job.  He's the best.  I know he'll make an amazing dad.