dumb stuff

why I want this cycle to work out: peace of mind, ease of process, $

if it doesn't i will try to remember these dumb positive things: I will have more time to lose weight (before getting pregnant) and I won't have a baby born right around L

I feel ridiculous even thinking about those things when there will be bigger concerns like ivf working and avoiding having another preemie... but you can't take the girl out of the infertile

Back at it

Yesterday I went back to my RE to check in.  See what needs to happen for #2.  I don't know when exactly, but he said I can start as soon as Feb. but not to wait much longer than a year.  I'm on progesterone to induce a period, cause despite my optimistic previous post.. the bleeding I had wasn't a true period. I haven't had a period since L was born 13 months ago.  And now since I haven't lost most of the baby weight, I'm about 25 lbs heavier than when I started my last couple fresh cycles.  I'm technically obese. Though I don't think losing a few pounds will greatly change the outcome of my ivf or pregnancy, I'm trying.  Pretty hardcore.  Because I am not someone who can casually lose weight.  The last few months have reinforced that fact.  So now I have to figure out exactly when to start, but I'm sure it'll be sooner rather than later. I was surprised to feel excited to be back at the RE's.  not full of dread, not depressed, no tears. Hopefully I'l be lucky and avoid those feeling this time around.

looking ahead

I still feel incredibly lucky and grateful that ivf worked for us.  Our son is over 9 months and thriving despite his rocky start to life. I'm already thinking about his first birthday.  As much as C and I are enjoying this time right now... the logistics of what needs to happen for us to have another kid are sort of hovering over me.  I want to have another kid.  I want to try for another biological one.  I want to do it sooner rather than later cause I already have enough trouble... I don't need age working against me any more than it is.  Yes, we're excited about adoption (if you were wondering/judging) and will be trying that if we can handle a third kid (and maybe for #2 cause who knows...) but as many of you know... it f-ing sucks to not get to decide how your family is made up... and I don't want adoption as a forced option... I want it as a choice.  So that means ivf is in our future.  Last time it worked for us and hopefully ivf will work again.  Am I excited about the meds, the money, the constant doc appts, the stress, the worry, the weight gain, the pain, the possible ohss, the possible disappointments, being too tired to be 100% present for the kid I'm already lucky enough to have?  No.  A big fat no.

looking ahead

I still feel incredibly lucky and grateful that ivf worked for us.  Our son is over 9 months and thriving despite his rocky start to life. I'm already thinking about his first birthday.  As much as C and I are enjoying this time right now... the logistics of what needs to happen for us to have another kid are sort of hovering over me.  I want to have another kid.  I want to try for another biological one.  I want to do it sooner rather than later cause I already have enough trouble... I don't need age working against me any more than it is.  Yes, we're excited about adoption (if you were wondering/judging) and will be trying that if we can handle a third kid (and maybe for #2 cause who knows...) but as many of you know... it f-ing sucks to not get to decide how your family is made up... and I don't want adoption as a forced option... I want it as a choice.  So that means ivf is in our future.  Last time it worked for us and hopefully ivf will work again.  Am I excited about the meds, the money, the constant doc appts, the stress, the worry, the weight gain, the pain, the possible ohss, the possible disappointments, being too tired to be 100% present for the kid I'm already lucky enough to have?  No.  A big fat no.

I still feel incredibly lucky and grateful that ivf worked for us.  Our son is over 9 months and thriving despite his rocky start to life. I'm already thinking about his first birthday.  As much as C and I are enjoying this time right now... the logistics of what needs to happen for us to have another kid are sort of hovering over me.  I want to have another kid.  I want to try for another biological one.  I want to do it sooner rather than later cause I already have enough trouble... I don't need age working against me any more than it is.  Yes, we're excited about adoption (if you were wondering/judging) and will be trying that if we can handle a third kid (and maybe for #2 cause who knows...) but as many of you know... it f-ing sucks to not get to decide how your family is made up... and I don't want adoption as a forced option... I want it as a choice.  So that means ivf is in our future.  Last time it worked for us and hopefully ivf will work again.  Am I excited about the meds, the money, the constant doc appts, the stress, the worry, the weight gain, the pain, the possible ohss, the possible disappointments, being too tired to be 100% present for the kid I'm already lucky enough to have?  No.  A big fat no.

been a loooooong time

First of all... I was brought back to this blog when something crazy happened.  Yesterday, for the first time since going off bcps in March of '09... I got my period on my own.  Was it because of the supermoon?  I hope not.  Otherwise it will be a long time before it happens again.  But I was/still am shocked.  That was the reason I did sooo much ivf.  First place my head jumped to: will I never have to do ivf again?  But that is ridic.  My plan is to just see what happens.  If I get my period a few more times, I'll then start checking to see if I'm ovulating.  Part of me wants to jump right into to find out... but I think it's very valuable to not hyper-focus on it.  Also, I don't want to.  I did so much monitoring and medical crap for the past few years... I want to enjoy this time of ignoring it.  Why am I ignoring it?  Well, I guess you can say I buried the lead.  Because after all the turmoil of ivf-land (if you've read my blog at all, you know there were some very low lows) and after an extremely rocky end of my pregnancy... my son was born on 11-30-11... at 29 weeks and 1 day.  he spent 2 months in the nicu.  It was scary, exhausting... but now he's 5 months old, healthy and thriving

Everyday I think about how lucky I am that it worked out.  I am constantly reminded of things that used to knock the wind out of me with grief.  I think about those of you who are still in the middle of it.  I don't know what to say... if you are still pushing forward through infertility, please use me as motivation that there's hope.  If it's annoying to do that, then never mind. I know when I was in it, even reading about ivf success was often depressing.  So I honestly don't know what to say... except a million thanks for your support during the darkest time of my life. Maybe you will find something on this blog that will help you.

Baby Lucas

He was born at 29 weeks one day on Wed, Nov 30th at 7:17pm via c section.  My doctors determined I had an infection in my uterus and he was in distress.  He weighed 2lb 11 oz at birth. He's being well taken care of in the NICU and I am recovering.  The journey continues... but I am a mom.  Thanks for all of your support.