I feel better today!

I'm still a little sore and still completely bloated and slow moving... but I feel better!  I woke up and felt... dare I say, fine!!!  I went to work and was at 75% mentally...  It's huge.  And yes, it could come back... but this gives me hope that I'm going to get better on the faster side... and use my positive vibing towards being pregnant and not towards making it through each day.  I'm still going to take it very easy this weekend.  I have a giant work thing Monday morning... so I need to reserve my energy for that.  And no peeing on a stick until after that.  Hopefully I can hold out till very close to the beta.

here I am...

awake since 2am.  I even took something to help me sleep.  I just got drained Tues afternoon... and I can already feel the pressure of the extra bloat coming back.  The bloat never went away, was just reduced... I still felt like I was completely run down.... but I had a day where I could at least eat semi-regularly and drink when I was thirsty without throwing up.  I'm so overwhelmed right now because I can feel it going back to how I was... which was horrible.  I've been desperately looking for some advice on line but everything is the same... women saying how hard it is and how long it lasts and how nothing makes it better except time.

I'm trying to remind myself that this will be over eventually... but right now each day is daunting.  I know I can go get drained again, but it takes me out for the day... so I'm hoping to make it until Sat. because I am going to work tomorrow.  I have to.  And if I can tolerate it I will Fri. too.  I keep reading that most people are stuck in bed for at least a week.  I think my week officially started Fri when I couldn't get off my office couch... so I'm hoping this weekend will mark the beginning of feeling better.  Unless, I'm pregnant.

SInce none of my clothes fit without hurting me... I'm not sure what to wear to work.  The saddest thing will be if I have to buy maternity clothes for this and not for actually being pregnant.  I promise I'm not down all the time... right now is just a bad moment.  I even feel better since having typed this.

I'm getting okay

I have so much I want to get off my chest about the insanity of the past few days... but right now even opening up my lap top makes me a little winded.  I can generally breathe fine except for the quick to winded part... otherwise being unable to breathe is the telltale sign to go to the hospital, but now that I had about 2 liters of fluid drained from my abdomen yesterday, I'm feeling better.  Still bad, but not on that insane level where I've been the past few days.  I finally googled OHSS and it scared  me in the short term... it can come back, it can get worse... but it can go away (slowly :(  usually over a few weeks).  But now I know when to take pain meds, when to go to the ER, and when to go get more fluid drained if I need to (ps - they drain it by sticking a needle in your vag!).  The good news is I actually can still get preggo from this cycle, which is nuts to me because i've never been so physically distressed as I have since transfer day.  I still can't fit in ANY of my clothes... and I plan on going to work tomorrow so I don't get fired.  My fantasy for the next few weeks: I never feel worse than I do now... just slowly get better.  And then maybe get pregnant next week without it making my OHSS worse.  The goodish news is, if this cycle fails, there will be some relief in that I for sure won't overstimmulate any worse than I am now.  So there will be mild comfort in my disappointment.  This week has changed how I view my IVF process... something complicated just got complicated on a whole new "survivally" level.  But just like all pain and distress, will fade and hopefully not scare me about trying it again if I need to.

bad night

Spent it in the ER with the worst pain I've ever had in my life.  Not how I was hoping to spend the first chunk of our 2 yr wedding anniversary.  I'm exhausted still... hoping the pain doesn't come back and the nausea stays away with the pills i"m taking.  RE says he's seen woman go through what I went through without ruining their cycles... though it was the opposite of bedrest.  And it involved heavy pain meds that are supposedly okay.  It's a version of OHSS... I still have more weight to gain more bloat to puff out and more discomfort to come.  As long as last night doesn't repeat... I'll get through it.  And if it starts to come, I'm not waiting for hours to go to the ER.

they're in me

Today was our transfer.  We had 3 embryos of okay quality... too soon to tell what they will turn into... but as the RE said, he currently has a patient who he transferred four embryos of lesser quality than ours and the woman is now preg with quads... so this could be nothing... or SOMETHING.  Of course my hope is officially up.  Can't go through all of this and not feel that.  I'm hoping that since our first cycle was perfect and failed, that this insane cycle where a ton of rare, painful, problematic crap happened will be the one that works.  So now I'm couch bound for 2 days.  With my bloated stomach... I'm happy I got this far and I won't know for 12 days if this worked.  C is taking good care of me.  So far, neither of our cats has leaped on my belly.  I know there's nothing too horrible I can do to ruin this while I'm couch bound... but as other IFers know, every sneeze, laugh, fart makes you nervous you're squeezing out your unborn kids.  So here's to some sticky, sticky little ones burrowing in.

3

So, here we are.  3 fertilized embryos.  Tomorrow is the transfer.  I'm hoping I get to actually do it because I have had some serious abdominal pain issues.  Yesterday I went to work and had such stabbing, sharp belly pain I wound up stuck on my office couch until C came and drove me home.  I cannot describe how intense yesterday was... I was pretty sure I didn't need to go to the hospital, but not totally sure.  C thinks it might just be intense gas as a reaction to the HCG shot I took and all the other meds from 2 procedures this week.  I hope that's all it is because the other option is that I'm overstimmulating and that could potentially cancel my transfer tomorrow.  So... I've never wished for super sonic gas... but I am now.  My belly is so puffy and tender I look preggo.

C went out and bought me all kinds of target stretch pants to try on so I can go to work in them.  Fri. I was walking around with my jeans totally unzipped, and even that felt restrictive.  Not to whine... but the stress, physical discomfort, financial strain, and impact on my career this week has had... has been huge.  I've been doing well lately about not being jealous of women who get pregnant with ease... but today I'm feeling it.  If this doesn't work and this past week and the weeks leading up were for nothing, it will take some serious soul searching to get to a place where I'm okay with that.

C has been amazing this week.  He has been so comforting... I know we'll be okay with whatever outcome all of this ivf has on our lives.... and BFF and family have been amazing, too.  It's takes a village to prep an embryo... that's the saying, right?

5

They retrieved 5 eggs today.  Tomorrow I hear how many fertilized.  All was not lost.  I hope I wake up feeling like I did not have 2 egg retrievals this week.  I am weak and have to be a human at work tomorrow.