getting my body in line...

So, I am pretty nervous right now about my Thyroid messing up this cycle.  I keep reading contrasting opinions on what is okay before you should start TTC.  And I have 2 weeks (normally you need 6ish) to see if my levels have changed... but I have 2.  Meanwhile I'm taking my pills and shots and counting down the days until my transfer... but it could all get cancelled in a heartbeat if my Thyroid is out of whack... I'm trying to ignore it right now.  This is either something I'll look back on and think "Wow, I was so worried for nothing." or it's something I'll look back on as the reason why yet another cycle is cancelled... I know it doesn't sound like the end of the world, but  I'm not feeling very invincible these days and I'm pretty sure another setback right now would kick my butt.

Monday I have an appt with an Endocrinologist so at least from that point on I will have someone overseeing this who will actually oversee it... I just hope this one is very different from my last weirdo Endo... ie: no old man in overalls hanging out behind the counter in the office, no being obsessed with my husband (long story but he would only ask about my husband and give me things to give to my husband), and no pulling books off shelves from the seventies to read his old publications to me instead of answering my medical questions... so my standards are pretty low.  Except that this new doc I know almost nothing about is now holding my FET fate in his hands.

the man behind the curtain...

Well, I still really like my RE, but today he has let me down for the first time.  When I switched over to this RE, I was coming off a communications mess between my crazy endocrinologist who was managing my Thyroid issues and my exRE who was horrible all around.  I asked my current RE if he would be comfortable managing my Thyroid so one person was in charge of all of my IF meds for now.  He agreed.  Since then I've pushed to have my levels checked and he has always been laid back about it.  My levels have always been okay.  So a week ago I got my levels checked (per my request) and i've been playing phonetag with the nurses and the RE was supped to call me back with results.  So, here I am starting my FET cycle today and I finally find out my levels are really high.  When my RE finally called me back, he said he thinks I should go to another doctor to manage my Thyroid because he doesn't really do that stuff.  WHY THE FUCK IS HE JUST TELLING ME THIS NOW???  I could have already done this so it wouldn't be popping up my first day of injections, during an extremely busy month for me.  I'm trying to be laid back this cycle, but crap like this doesn't help.  I still trust him, just not 100% anymore.  I was madly in love with his office, with him as a doctor... and now I feel like it has been reduced to "like."  Hopefully my levels will come down and not get in the way of me getting pregnant/give my unborn baby birth defects.  I had a 20 min meltdown (sounds like I'm coming out with a new work out CD where you cry the calories off... healthy, right?)  but then C put me in the car and got me In & Out.  I was instantly calmer... I think hunger and starting my cycle meds today played a part in my little fit... but I think most of it was just feeling exhausted from a year and a half of frequent doctors appts, managing my own health care, giant bills and just a ton of disappointments.  To my beloved friends and family who check in here who luckily have not had to go through IF first hand, I know I sound whiny and negative... it is just a constant struggle.  I believe something good will come in the end, but right now, I'm tired.

I would totally go visit Zelda Rubenstein if I could...

Or I guess her character in Teen Witch.  I feel like I would use some magical powers to make this FET go smoothly.  But since I have limited access to tiny witches, I am just trying to will my body to work properly this cycle.  My period came today, right on time... so step one can get checked off.  Here is a list of what needs to go right this cycle:

1. I need to take my meds according to their instructions (which this go around, there are a lot of rules to follow)

2. My lining needs to grow and cooperate (no weird black spots on the ultrasound this time.

3.  My embryos need to survive the thaw.

4.  Transfer needs to go smoothly.

5.  I need to stay as calm as possible despite this being a rather stressful month so my body can focus on implantation

6. Those embies need to get comfy and implant

7. My PCOS needs to stay the f*#^ in check and not mess with the delicate hormonal balance of this whole process

8. Same for my Thyroid

9. Positive Beta

I'm not going past this because I just need to focus on getting that far.  I'm hoping that nothing new pops up to get in the way of this cycle.  I'm just trying to check each item off the concern list one by one... and just getting my period on time was a great start.  Maybe this is The One.

if you're ridiculous, get off my front porch

Yesterday I was minding my own business in the privacy of my own house, when there was a knock at my door.  It was a girl, maybe 16 or 17 years old.  1st thing out of her mouth: "Are you the mom of the house?"  I said no.  She asked if there were kids who lived here.  I said no.  She asked a few more kids questions and I had to explain to her that shockingly, there were no kids here.  Zero.  Her "children's educational services" would be of NO value to me right now because I don't have kids.  It was a weird conversation.  If she were a few years older, I would have been a lot more blunt.

bosses say the darndest things

Lately my boss keeps saying stuff about my preggo BF/coworker that is so not IF sensitive, I have to laugh.  (I don't know if he knows that I'm doing ivf stuff, so it's not his fault... it just still sucks for me.)    Yesterday he asked where we wanted to go to lunch, I started to answer and he interrupted and said, "Not you.  I'm talking to the pregnant one."  He was being very thoughtful (to her, not so much to me), wanting to make sure, since she's preg, that she was comfortable with our lunch choice.  Stuff like this has happened a few times, and for some reason I don't usually get too upset about it.  I just think it's funny how the stuff comes out of nowhere... and knocks the wind out of me... then I go on with my day.

I'm not totally selfish!

Today was great.  Not for any particular reason.  One thing that happened was my boss had a baby... and i felt nothing but happy and excited for him.  I've been feeling so bitter and self-absorbed, and not having any energy to do more than just get through each day... that I was starting to not even want to see pictures of babies, let alone celebrate them.  But today I felt nothing but joy, which gives me great hope for my BF's upcoming birth in Nov.  I've been reading other infertiles' accounts of their BF's having kids, and they write about how it brings up a lot of emotions for them and is a very trying time.  I've been worrying about how I will react, and after today, I feel like when it actually happens (because right now I'm just coming to terms with how real it's all getting) that I will be able to (hopefully) mostly put aside my own crap and just be happy and excited for all parties involved.  So BF, if you're reading, this time right now sucks, but there is some hope for us even if I am still dealing with IF when you give birth.

My relaxing weekend.

I did a bunch of relaxing stuff (including starting to meditate) and for some reason, this weekend was full of crazy moments.  I got upset Friday night and it sort of went straight through until today.  I didn't shave my head, but I wasn't too far off.  I am learning more about what some of my triggers are (beyond the obvious ones) and even though most of them I can't control being exposed to, the ones I can, I need to get better about planning ahead to avoid/cope.  This was also my last weekend with time to myself for a month, so hopefully this was just me letting it all out to get ready for that.  There's fun and a lot of stuff to keep me occupied coming up until my FET, so hopefully there will be a lot less crazy-town.  

Ohhhmmmm?

Last night I was feeling quite bitter about IF.  I woke up feeling much more zen then when I went to sleep. Now I'm wondering if I can pull off a real relaxing weekend.  I have been meaning to try daily meditation for the longest time, but I never make time for it or really know what to do.  As my FET sits on the calendar a month away, I have a lot of negative thoughts running through my head.  I want to try and minimize them for the sake of my cycle.  On the off chance that me feeling bitter and angry has a direct effect on my uterine lining, I'm going to try and diffuse all that.  Try.  So, at some point today I'm going to make myself sit and meditate, just for five minutes.  If I say any more than that, I won't really do it.  If it helps in even the slightest way today, I'll try it again tomorrow.  If not, I'll chuck it in the "pile" of crap I've tried to help get me preggo.

happy juice

Okay, I drank a little today.  Had my RE follow up visit.  Started with RE saying my results from my biopsy weren't in and my stomach dropped.  I thought I'd have answers today.  Then they had me wait while the called to see if they could get me any info... and they did.  I'm normal!  Or at least my lining is.  So, I am now scheduled to do a frozen transfer on 8/19 if all goes well.  I am a little excited, but am trying not to be.  I am already getting way ahead of myself.  If this works, I will be 3 months preg when I go home for Thanksgiving and can announce it to my whole family in person.  And I'd be just at the end of my 1st trimester when my BF gives birth.

 As I have already learned, all this can go away quickly, so I'm trying to just go through the motions, stay relatively positive, and just get past each hurdle.

Sorry if I infected anyone

So, based on an LA Times article I read a couple days ago - there's a new study that says:  "it appears that you can catch happiness. Or sadness. Moreover, the "recovery time" doesn't depend on your contacts at all, which is a hallmark of diseases but surprising in an emotional context, since continuing contact with happy or sad people could be expected to affect one's emotional state even after the initial "infection.""


So if you are reading any of my blog entries, there's a chance you've read something depressing.  Like, a 97% chance.  So I hope it doesn't spread to you.  I am shockingly in a great mood right now.  Just went for a long walk up lots of hills with C who said walking with me after work is the highlight of his day (awwww).  Work was pleasant.  Morning meeting tomorrow postponed so I don't have to get up early.  Things are good.

when does the change of perspective happen?

So, there's a girl I barely knew in high school who is very open with her personal life on Facebook.  Melissa.  She got pregnant last year, posted it right away.  A few weeks later, miscarried, and posted all about that, too.  My heart went out to her.  So when she got pregnant again, she posted all about that, too.  As I'm bombarded daily with her ultrasounds, nursery pics, horrible, cheesy name polls... even though it's annoying, I still remember when she lost her last pregnancy.  This morning (as I am up since 4 am  because I have weird heartburn) I read her Facebook post about being up with heartburn, too.  She went on to say she's "so over it" ("it" being her pregnancy.  So, at what point after you struggle with getting/staying pregnant do you drop that feeling of being so amazed and happy that you are having a healthy pregnancy and start whining about how inconvenient it all is?  I'm sure someday when I'm pregnant, I'll do the same.. but now sitting here on the other side of it where I wish I was up from pregnancy heartburn and not because I tried to eat/drink myself happy last night from this constant fog of IF depression - I'm so over it.

tired.

I feel tired... like, emotionally tired.  Physically, I'm post-cry tired, cause that's been happening a lot the past few days.  I wonder what I could do with my brain/life skill set if I took all of the constant thoughts and energies I put towards my infertility into anything else.  I could be an amazing flautist  by now.  I believe there will be an end to this but it can't come soon enough.

Do I look skinnier?

Cause I had an endometrial biopsy today!  I am just now de-groggifying from my morning drugs.  As you can tell, I survived the procedure.  The other good news: they didn't find anything weird.  Now we just wait for the biopsy results to hopefully comeback normal.  My BF/coworker told me that when people asked where I was today (not my boss, he already knows) she just explained that since we do everything together, and she already went through infertility, that now it's my turn.  I'm glad I can just show up tomorrow and they'll all know without me having to tell them.


As I was being put under this morning, I was feeling so upset for all the women who need procedures like I was having but never get this far because of money.  Then I read this today:
"Fewer than 150,000 IVF procedures (out of a pool of more than 1.5 million women/couples that are believed to be in need of IVF) are currently performed yearly in the United States. In other words, fewer than 10% of patients who need IVF gain access to this treatment. "  I need to look into what to do to change this.  

like the pic says...

I am feeling quite antsy about this whole baby making thing.  Want to fast forward through Thursday's procedure, through waiting for results, through the weeks leading up to the next FET (if I'm lucky and nothing holds us up again).  I also feel a looming chaos... things at work are picking up a little, hours getting a little longer, some outside of work projects are about to start up, the guy renting our condo is moving in with his girlfriend so we need to find a new person and do all the crap that goes along with that... plus we have a generally busy summer... at least time will go quickly as I struggle to stay on top of all of this.  I shouldn't update this thing right after I get home from work when I'm tired and hungry... or it will always be downer-town.  Sorry.  Here are a couple of not whiny things to send you off on a better note: my drive home wasn't terribly trafficy, I rediscovered scotch this weekend and plan on sipping it a few more times before my next FET, my cats are being exceptionally adorable this evening and I wore shoes today that are new and shiny and make me pretty happy.  I didn't say they would be exciting tidbits, just not negative.

two things that make me very happy

1. My cats.

2. Swimming with friends.

Today I got to enjoy both.  Not at the same time.