Lap on Friday....

I spent a good part of my down time this T-day figuring out if I should reschedule my lap surgery this Friday.  I'm a little nervous for the pain, but know I can get through it.  What I'm most nervous for is taking more time off from work... that I don't know how much time I'll need and more than two days will be not great... I'm nervous that outside of work I have something that also has a deadline that the recovery days will take me out of, but also just generally being tired from having surgery will make my now normal routine of getting to work early and staying late and using the weekend to get it done will be hard.... like I'm just getting by right now but I'm about to add a major hurdle to all of my work stuff.  BUT... the reason I'm not waiting until after work slows down, is I need that time for IVF and potentially getting OHSS again.  You may be wondering.... "aren't you feeling frustrated and angry that you have to do things like plan for surgery and getting sick where you may need to be hospitalized instead of getting to try and do your best at work uninterrupted and use your time off to plan a vacation instead of lingering around doing ivf,  hoping to not get sick from it?"  The answer is yes... I am feeling very resentful that I have to do all this shit.  But I have to.  It's the only way to get to our goal.  Just now, waiting for this next step,I've been off BCPs since late Sept.  Still no period.  A reminder that I'm still defective.  That we can't have kids without ivf right now and maybe ever.

going home

2.5 day cross country visit.  Can't wait.  Will be seeing some relatives who recently learned about our ivf stuff, so there might be some comforting conversations... maybe some not so comforting ones.  Still, I'm looking forward to the coziness of our family's Thanksgiving.  I guess one good thing about my IF is that I can still make this trip with relative ease.  Selfishly hoping there are no other pregnancy announcements while I'm there.

thankful

Thankful for my husband.  My family.  My friends.  My cats.

Lots going on.  BFF had her baby and it's been awesome.  I was in the room for the big show!  The baby is very cute.  It does make me very aware of my infertility... but I'm thrilled to be around her... something I was nervous about before... she's so sweet and though I'm uncomfortable around most kids now... I'm very comfortable with her.  I'm happy for my friend and her husband.  I'm thankful that it turned out this way.

too busy to feel anything... it's a good thing!

Work and life have been so busy that for the past few weeks, I actually haven't been thinking about IF.  BFF is going to have a baby tomorrow.  I am relieved to feel excited for her baby to come.   Been a concern for me during my IF lows... and though I'm sure there will be moments where it is extremely depressing to watch BFF move on to enjoy the goal we've both been working so hard for... now I am excited.  It is insane that she's at the end of all this... it is a reminder of how far away I am.  The crazy thing is this time last year she was as low as I am now... so things do change.  I think the holidays will go by so quickly with work and her baby and travel and dealing with some other life issues that hopefully IF will duck out of the forefront of my thoughts until I start cycling.

trying to not be anxious...

I feel okay considering I'm in the middle of some stressful things.  Lots of sake at dinner sure helped with that.  I have been feeling a little better about IF things the past few days.  I saw my therapist yesterday and she helped remind me that part of why I can't shake feeling depressed is that I'm in limbo.  I can't just move on to adoption yet, and I don't know if any of these efforts will pay off... and until then we just have to push forward.  I was sort of expecting her to tell me I need more time, but she agreed that it sounds like i need to push forward.  I'm still feeling sad here and there, but I'm actually capable of a good mood... so that is huge.  Hoping to keep that up.

Holy smokes... I'm in a good mood.

Maybe it's because yesterday was bad.  Maybe it's because I my boss was in a good mood.  Or maybe it's because I have been in such a funk, I'm noticing the people around me wearing down a bit.  I'm sure I'm hard to be around when I'm depressed... so I made a conscious effort to be "up" today... and everything worked out that it went smoothly.  Granted, some days i do that and forty baby things fly at me and it all goes to shit, but today worked.