Friday, August 27, 2010

cycle update

Today something good happened.  I had my follow up appt with my new Thyroid doc, Dr. L.  It was a 2 min appt.  My levels look good.  he was very positive... listening to my worst case scenario questions and telling me why what we're doing is right and how even if something changes and my levels rise, he's not a reactionary doc and would not change my meds for a while anyway.  Yes, maybe he's too positive and will miss something that will cause a problem. OR he is exactly what I need: a doc who doesn't freak out at my numbers and puts added stress on me.  I'm going to gamble that he knows what he's doing because I can't handle the other option right now.

On Monday I have my appt to start my fresh-fet combo cycle.  If this cycle doesn't work, we will either take a break or do another biopsy/lap to investigate further.  Even just this week, one measly week after my FET was cancelled... I feel so much less crazy.  Still sad, still longing, but way less ready to cry at anything.  Less overwhelmed.  Maybe I'm getting better at receiving bad news.  Maybe I just can't react anymore because it's exhausting.  Honestly, whatever it is, I'm hoping it stays, even if it's unhealthy.  Life is much better right now and i am nervous that starting another cycle next week will put me right back to where I was.

Sunday, August 22, 2010


First off all, BFF -- I think this pic is perfect cause of the egg theme and the toast is taller and i love eggs n toast, but don't read into the weird square body or vacant eyes.

Anyway, BFF is in her 3rd trimester, and I found myself feeling bitter IF anger around her lately because I'm jealous and trying not to think about baby stuff when I don't have to.. plus this week was a sucky one for me.  Today I talked to her all about it and she did an excellent job of absorbing everything I said even though it's hard to hear... but since BFF went through IF herself, she gets it all.  We talked about how I'm nervous about how I'll handle the whole joyous birth thing, about how I'm nervous about how we work together and all day people talk to us about her pregnancy and we're gearing up for that to increase since she's popping now.  And we talked about how it sucks that she's going through this time where normally your best friend is available for onesie (see, I'm so infertile I don't even know how to spell that)... onesie shopping or whatever else regular happy girl friends do with their pregnant BFFS.  And how I'm just not capable of doing those things with her right now.  Just having talked about it today, I feel better.  The trickiest thing for me (and maybe her) is my moods change so much.. like right now, this very second, if it weren't 10 pm on a Sunday, I think I could handle baby-themed shopping.  But a lot of the time I can't.  Our situation sucks, we knew it would... and i think it's about to get harder since my shit's getting more complicated and scary for me as her stuff is getting really exciting and happy.  I think we both deserve free cruises or a whole showcase showdown's worth of prizes for everything we've had to deal with since both of us had to deal with ivf and what we have to deal with right now.

Friday, August 20, 2010

a new IF low today.

So today my boss brought his 4 week old baby into work for us all to meet her.  I was standing in a circle with a bunch of coworkers (including my preggo BFF) when my boss held his baby up to me and told her I "had a baby in my belly" and so did my friend.  I couldn't speak cause i was shocked.  My friend corrected him that I am not pregnant.  I told him a couple months ago that I was doing ivf... I guess he figured i must be pregnant by now.  He didn't mean anything bad by it -- he just has no idea what the ins and outs of IVF are... but I've never heard those words since I've never been pregnant... so it floored me.  And my coworkers must've been confused or thinking I really am KU.  I held back the tears until I could sneak away but it was one of my worst moments on this whole IF journey.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

bad start to the day

Today started with a breakfast meeting where quite a bit of the conversation revolved around kids.  We were scheduling a few meetings and I kept seeing days on my calendar that had stuff scheduled and I'd click on it for info and it would be my Beta or doc appts that no longer apply since my cycle was cancelled.  Today was supposed to be my FET and though I wasn't upset when I woke up and drove to work, the kids stuff there that started my day just was not good for me.

I'm also busy to the point that I don't have time to process these feelings.  I also am too busy to see my therapist now, which is probably not great.  Not sure where it's all going.

Monday, August 16, 2010


So much to report from today.  My RE visit went horribly.  My lining stayed at 7 and had developed those same cysts as last time.  RE is confused... recommended another biopsy that might lead to laproscopic surgery... searching for something, not going in with a target.  He called the cysts "red flags" but he wasn't sure for what.  C and I decided not to do this procedure... we opted for trying a fresh cycle (because my lining was fine when I did all those meds) but it will be hard on my body, emotionally and financially.  My RE isn't confident in this, but he isn't confident we need the biopsy... he isn't sure what to do... though has seen it before and has not given up on us... we're just in this scary place of really guessing at what to do.  How the fuck did it get so complicated?  I was just not ovulating... now I have some rare uterine lining issue.  C pointed out that as US machines become more advanced, they can detect more.  So maybe these cysts are not a big deal... they're just isn't much knowledge about them yet.  So, we're gambling on something that was already a gamble to start with.

In my gut, I feel that I am someone who is capable of getting preggo.... it's just more complicated than we thought.  I might look into REs who have more experience with lining issues... but for now, I'm going to try a fresh cycle and then hopefully (cause nothing seems to work anymore) get to transfer some frozens.  I'm so discouraged.  So far away from this actually working.

I wonder how many hours I've clocked working towards these cycles that didn't work.  This includes doc appts, pharmacy trips, phone calls to both of those, emails with nurses, online research, food, diet, eating my emotions, exercise, meditations, acupuncture, following old wives tales, good luck routines/charms, SCHEDULING, WORRYING, talking about it, blogging, reading, therapy appts, shots, pills and planning.  For shit that hasn't worked.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

something amazing happened on day 1 of my trip!

First of all, airport security did not question my weird mini cooler of ice packs and vag suppositiries... nor did they ask about my needles.  Yay for me and my travel ease... boo for safe airports.  DH and I already decided this is an awesome trip because last night, after I explained to my dad (who is known for accidentally eating things he shouldn't like other people's left overs) not to eat the vag suppositories I left in my parents' fridge.... my mom refeered to my suppositories as...

vagina burgers!

My new favorite IF term... no wait, my new favorite slang for everything!  See people, sometimes amazing things come out of IF.  Yes, I'd prefer to start a family with ease, but this almost makes my many months of struggle worth it.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

high maintenance traveler

I'm about to travel cross-country for a wedding.  I'm a little nervous because I have to travel with needles (which I have a medical letter for) and with my vag suppositories which have to stay refrigerated... plus I have an U/S first thing Monday morning so I can't be stranded on the East Coast.  Another thing I don't feel great about is missing a day of work for a wedding when I'm missing so much for doc appts.  I just couldn't bring myself to cancel... there's something symbolic about going for me... like I'm not penalizing myself for my medical days and still getting to do something happy.  Plus I'm hoping to have to take 2 days off for bedrest soon, but if IF-Gods forbid, my FET gets canceled and I canceled my trip in anticipation of my FET, I think I'd want to jab a Delestrogen needle in my eye.  I'm hoping the trip goes well.  If for some reason they won't let me on the plane with my needles/meds... I will not go.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The big appt did not go well.

It could have been worse.  It could have been cancelled... or he could have discovered my uterus had fallen out over the weekend... but what did happen wasn't great.  My lining pattern looked good, but it is still a 7, just like last week.  My RE was concerned about why we're struggling.  He went through my whole file, then went to consult his partners.  Then he decided to try Estradial suppositories which he never uses so he he had to call the pharmacy to ask questions about it.  He's a good doc, I just don't like being an enigma.  I don't like that at this point he's experimenting outside his normal protocall system. He didn't seem very confident that this cycle will be okay... just said we'll have to see what happens next week.  I was an hour late to work and had to insert my suppository in my office because the pharmacist said it would instantly dissolve and drip out if I didn't put my legs up.  She was right... iI had to lower the blinds, lay down on our couch and do by far the weirdest thing I've ever done in my office.  I feel so defeated right now.  I try not to worry about the unknown, but things keep popping up out of nowhere to get in the way of moving forward.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

weekend get-a-way

DH and I went to a wedding a few hours away, and for most of the weekend, I felt like my pre-IF self.  I didn't think a ton about kids or lack there of... the people I hung out with weren't talking  about IF or worse... plain old F... there were only a couple kids at the wedding and I managed to avoid them as much as I could.  It was a good trip.  And I'm feeling pretty positive about my upcoming FET.  Tues is the big ultrasound where we'll decide if it looks good to go, we will pick an exact day, and then I just have one more appt before actual transfer.    I hope this feeling sane things lasts.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

My thyroid has been swept off her feet.

Things have been so busy lately I haven't had time to play on IF websites, or blog, or google... which, though I love doing all that... is a good thing.  I've been so busy with family in town and work and doc appts and other stuff that I haven't had any spare time to do more than a quick email check.  IF wise - I finally feel okay...

I went to an new endo on Mon., Dr. L.  He was awesome.  He told me that from now on, he'll worry about my thyroid and I shouldn't at all... I've been waiting so long to hear that.  I think he could see how upset I was.  I'm thrilled that he said I'd be okay, but I'm also hating that the other docs I went to a year ago scared me so much.  Maybe this new doc is too laid back.. time will tell.. but I'm taking that chance.

 I have been waiting so long to have a competent doc who actually gives a crap about my Thyroid (I still love my RE, but I now get that though he is awesome about the intricacies of fertility meds, anything outside of his definition of that does not apply.)  So now there's a guy who will be looking out for me.  I feel so relieved... for all I know, Dr. L could be some crazy, sociopath, serial killer... but my first impression tells me I can trust him.  Today I had my first ultrasound since i started my FET meds and all is well.  Next week's ultrasound will be the big one that determines if my lining is good enough for the transfer... so now I'll just try and relax, take my meds and hang in until then.  Plus there's so much other stuff going on, I'm hoping the next week will fly by too.