Saturday, July 30, 2011

out and about in the world just now

I saw so many pregnant women.  I was just remembering how hard that used to be... and not so long ago.  I'm gearing up to write an email to my two bosses tomorrow night to tell them that I'm pregnant and will be late to work for my big doc appt.  And that if it goes well I plan on telling my coworkers soon after.  Part of me isn't ready for this.  But I want to tell before someone figures it out and it comes out without giving my boss warning.  I spent last week wearing clothes I thought would hide it, but I'm running out of those.  This part of "coming out" seems so surreal.

Of course I'm nervous that I'll tell my bosses, then have a bad doc appt and have to deal with whatever happens publicly.  Don't know why I even care because whatever bad thing that could happen at this point would be so bad people knowing would be the least of my concerns... but I feel anxious.  Can't make it go away.  Just ignoring it for now to get through the weekend.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

my long updated was just deleted :(

I just wrote a very long update and then hit the wrong button and it disappeared.  Sad.  Overall things are good.  Here's a general recap:

big doc appt on monday

back at work -- no one there seems to suspect I'm preg

my boobs are so much bigger my nipples stick out of my bras halfway.

I'm a handful of days away from shots/suppositories being done

BFF gave us a doppler to borrow.  C's great at finding the heartbeat but he's out of town.  I tried it myself tonight and couldn't find heartbeat but guessing it's my lack of skill and that the baby's okay.

That is all.  Next time I write an essay will save in the middle.  Good night.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Creeping up on 11 weeks

I don't have much to report. Which is great. I spent most of today on the couch not feeling great. This week I'd been feeling a bunch of tugging pains from doing too much and laughing. I can't avoid laughing. Only once today I felt the tug during a laugh. So that's better than the past few days where I was really feeling them. My dad just left. I feel bad that I was so low energy while my fam was here. I had dreams of cooking them amazing meals and stuff. Didn't quite happen this time. Oh well. All for good reason.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

it's been forever

since I wrote... or at least it feels like it.  My family's been visiting and I've been so exhausted the second the day calms down, it's usually time to ice for my shot and then bed.  I have been so sick at night.  Extremely nauseous, exhausted, headachy, can't keep my eyes open.  I'm learning I have to be really assertive and tell people no when I feel over-exerted.  It seems like people don't understand the extent of how bad I feel (again, thrilled to be feeling bad because I'm pregnant)... but I never understood how rough first tri could be before i experienced it, so I don't blame anyone else for not getting it.

I just had a great doc appt today.  I'm 10 weeks 2 days... and everything is going well.  I can't believe I got this far.  I can't believe my body is functioning.  I had to get blood drawn today and I got a little choked up.  For the past couple years I've had so many blood draws my "good" arm is no longer easy to get blood from -- now I use my other arm.  I've sat in the blood draw chairs at several different offices and labs, sometimes fighting back tears, sometimes extremely depressed, sometimes nervously hopeful... but today I sat there getting the normal ob blood panel done.  Because at this point I'm normal.  The nurse taking my blood asked how far along.  I said 10 weeks. Then she asked if my husband knew.  I laughed.  Keeping the pregnancy secret for the whole first tri sounds so Leave it to Beavery-pregnancy is a happy game-insane to me.

I have a belly.  Maybe it's just bloat pushing out the belly i already had... but I have something I can't cover up.  My OB said (ha!  I just typed OB instead of RE!!!!) that I "don't exactly have a long torso" and that the pregnancy has no where to go but out...  My NT scan is Aug 1st... I'm going to try and keep this secret at work until after that appt.  I can't wait for this to not be a secret.  I think that will make it feel real.

I can't believe this is working out.  I feel so, so lucky right now

Tuesday, July 12, 2011


I just graduated from my RE.  I had my last appt. there.  From now on I go to an ob-gyn as if I'm a normal pregnant woman.  I felt really emotional, but no tears.  I've heard friends talk about tearful, happy moments when they see the heartbeat, etc... not me.  I feel happy.  Relieved each time.  But I haven't FELT that joy yet.  That's what I've been thinking about today... how much had to happen to get here.  How many doctors appointments... I can't even guess.  How many injections, pills, moments of panic, moments of grief, of fear, of anger.  Tears.  Exhaustion.  Therapy appointments.  A sadness that creeps into every single day.  I don't know how to let go of it all.  I still feel incredibly angry that C and I had to go through it.  Yes, mostly I feel elated that something I've been so desperate for is actually happening... but I still have to find a way not to hold onto all this negative stuff.

On a happy note: 9 weeks was my random week in my head where I'd feel like if I made it that far, I was probably going to have a baby... and depending on which doc/chart you go by -- either today or tomorrow is 9 weeks.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

well... now the family knows

I feel so weird about this.  Just went home for one Step-Grandpa's funeral and one 85th b-day party for my other Grandpa.  At the funeral I was a mess physically.  Nauseous, tired from flying all night with no sleep, the weather was hot and sticky, and the day was overwhelming anyway.  I told my grandma first.  It changed her whole demeanor.  She was very happy and it was totally rewarding sharing the news with her.  Then I told my aunts and uncles and they were ecstatic.  Later I was talking to a cousin I hadn't seen in at least 15 years about how she's having trouble getting pregnant.  I told her all about my ivf and when she asked where I was in the process, I felt weird lying since some people there knew.  So I told her.  I explained how early it is and how cautious we are.  Later her mom congratulated me so I knew the news had spread.  I never see these people, but it just felt weird.

Then the b-day party.  BEFORE I told anyone, my grandpa's girlfriend (who knew we've been doing ivf) came up to me, asked if I was pregnant WHILE POKING MY BELLY.  Then she said "Nah, too soft."  WTF?!  Thank god I am or I would've lost it.  I told my grandpa first and he was very happy.  The I awkwardly told everyone else.  It felt so odd but my parents were dying to tell cause they've been lying for me.  I don't regret telling -- I'm thankful for the opportunity to tell people in person.  I'm glad I got to bring my grandma some happiness on a really hard day.  But still... I don't know when I'll feel comfortable saying "I'm pregnant."  Don't know when I won't worry.  I made the mistake of reading online about someone who just miscarried right where I am in my timeline: post seeing heart beat, finding out at graduation appt from RE (mine's Tues).  In their 8th week.  I think I read those things to find reassurance that their situations are nothing like mine -- but seeing one that was made me miserable.

I have an u/s tomorrow for our first ob-gyn appt.  Hopefully I'll see all is well and I'll be sane for another five-ish days.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

almost 8 weeks

That's tomorrow.  I'm heading cross country for a funeral.  I'm nervous about doing my shots without C.  It'll be fine.  I'm thinking of telling my family since I'll see them.  8 weeks feels sooo early... but what an opportunity to get to share happy news.  I just adjusted my facebook privacy settings so I can't be outed.  I hope.  And if something horrible should happen... then I guess my extended family will all know and it will be okay.

I'm also not looking forward to traveling with my symptoms.  Tired and naus'ed.  Meh.  But other than the obvious sad stuff surrounding a funeral, everything else is going pretty well.

Friday, July 1, 2011

2 solid days

...of feeling 92% positive about the whole being preg thing.  That's a record!  Yes my mind wanders to neg stuff and then I drop it.  I made an appt to see an OB.  I am thinking about the future without a sinking feeling in my gut.

About twice a week I have a problem... every night I get up to pee in the middle of the night about two or three times.  Sometimes I can't go back to sleep.  Last night was one of them.  I got up at 4 am for maybe the third time and then I just stayed up.  Aren't preg ladies supposed to sleep a ton?  I get tired so early at night and all I want to do is get a full 8 hours and it's just not happening.  Oh well.  I'd rather be preg and an insomniac than not preg at all.