Tuesday, July 12, 2011


I just graduated from my RE.  I had my last appt. there.  From now on I go to an ob-gyn as if I'm a normal pregnant woman.  I felt really emotional, but no tears.  I've heard friends talk about tearful, happy moments when they see the heartbeat, etc... not me.  I feel happy.  Relieved each time.  But I haven't FELT that joy yet.  That's what I've been thinking about today... how much had to happen to get here.  How many doctors appointments... I can't even guess.  How many injections, pills, moments of panic, moments of grief, of fear, of anger.  Tears.  Exhaustion.  Therapy appointments.  A sadness that creeps into every single day.  I don't know how to let go of it all.  I still feel incredibly angry that C and I had to go through it.  Yes, mostly I feel elated that something I've been so desperate for is actually happening... but I still have to find a way not to hold onto all this negative stuff.

On a happy note: 9 weeks was my random week in my head where I'd feel like if I made it that far, I was probably going to have a baby... and depending on which doc/chart you go by -- either today or tomorrow is 9 weeks.


  1. Congratulations on making it to nine weeks - and I will congratulate you again at 9 months :)

    I hope you will find a way to be able to accept the joy and the gift that you have been given after all of the horrible crap you and C had to go through.

    You are still in my thoughts and prayers. I'm praying for your perfect little peanut, but also that you will be able to find peace soon. I'm glad that you have your BFF who I'm sure is a wealth of knowledge on this same exact topic.

  2. congratulations on your graduation. i hope that with every day of your pregnancy you are able to move your uncertainties to excitements and you are able to truly enjoy this special time. lots of thoughts and prayers and positive vibes still going to you and c.

  3. More like My Lazy Blog Writing Self. Update already!