Sunday, July 10, 2011

well... now the family knows

I feel so weird about this.  Just went home for one Step-Grandpa's funeral and one 85th b-day party for my other Grandpa.  At the funeral I was a mess physically.  Nauseous, tired from flying all night with no sleep, the weather was hot and sticky, and the day was overwhelming anyway.  I told my grandma first.  It changed her whole demeanor.  She was very happy and it was totally rewarding sharing the news with her.  Then I told my aunts and uncles and they were ecstatic.  Later I was talking to a cousin I hadn't seen in at least 15 years about how she's having trouble getting pregnant.  I told her all about my ivf and when she asked where I was in the process, I felt weird lying since some people there knew.  So I told her.  I explained how early it is and how cautious we are.  Later her mom congratulated me so I knew the news had spread.  I never see these people, but it just felt weird.

Then the b-day party.  BEFORE I told anyone, my grandpa's girlfriend (who knew we've been doing ivf) came up to me, asked if I was pregnant WHILE POKING MY BELLY.  Then she said "Nah, too soft."  WTF?!  Thank god I am or I would've lost it.  I told my grandpa first and he was very happy.  The I awkwardly told everyone else.  It felt so odd but my parents were dying to tell cause they've been lying for me.  I don't regret telling -- I'm thankful for the opportunity to tell people in person.  I'm glad I got to bring my grandma some happiness on a really hard day.  But still... I don't know when I'll feel comfortable saying "I'm pregnant."  Don't know when I won't worry.  I made the mistake of reading online about someone who just miscarried right where I am in my timeline: post seeing heart beat, finding out at graduation appt from RE (mine's Tues).  In their 8th week.  I think I read those things to find reassurance that their situations are nothing like mine -- but seeing one that was made me miserable.

I have an u/s tomorrow for our first ob-gyn appt.  Hopefully I'll see all is well and I'll be sane for another five-ish days.

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