Thursday, March 31, 2011

T.G.I.warm weather!

I can wear sundresses!  This is huge since I don't fit in my pants.  And if I do get OHSS, I will not be comfy in sweats either.  The other big thing about getting to wear dresses is I feel better about myself.  Instead of muffin topping the fuck out of any pants and reverse-muffin topping out of my shirts and then wearing some type of golden girl-esque cardigan to cover up... I feel like almost my old self again.  Except -- my belly.  It's bloated.  Normally I can suck in my regular belly, but bloat is un-suck-in-able.  So that is the one tell tale sign that I'm cooking dozens of eggs.  Also, my lymph nodes in my neck feel swollen.  Hope that's not a sign of weird fluidy issues.  They are great reminder to drink up and get more water in me so I stay hydrated.

I've been on the fence about whether or not to have my acupuncturist come to my transfer ( if I get to do it).  I'm leaning towards it.  It can't hurt anything.  It might not help anything but I will enjoy it... so why not?  The worst thing that could happen is she'd get in the way.

Tomorrow I have another u/s.  Will ask RE what the plan is for my lining.  How will I know if I get to transfer?  An u/s the day before?  I think it would be torture to have to wait until the day of to see if my lining is okay.  To get ready, show up and be turned away would be crushing.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

day 23

Yesterday was a good day.  I came home from going out to dinner with C around 9:30 and remembered I had shots to take.  I wasn't "late"... it was just nuts that we had both totally forgotten.  We sat down as a couple.  I drew up my follistem as C mixed my menapur... romantic!  That Menapur shot didn't sting almost at all... the first one hurt A LOT.  Weird how that changes day to day.

This afternoon I have an u/s.  Hoping those 15 follies are a little bigger and those million lil guys stay lil.

Monday, March 28, 2011

bracing ourselves/excited

First thing I noticed after the vag cam went in at today's u/s: my lining cysts are back. But RE says they're just from too much estrogen and will go away once we start progesterone shots -- he's not worried.  (At my last doc, those would've cancelled my cycle -- dude...)

My follies are growing slowly, but steadily.  RE switched my meds now to include Menapur.  He also said I will most likely be getting OHSS. His goal is to make sure it's mild-moderate and not severe.  He has some steps to make sure we minimize it:

-I'm to start eating salty soups around my retrieval and will be on that good ole' high salt diet for 3-4 weeks no matter what

-He'll give me an IV to rehydrate after retrieval (which is one of the things that happens in the ER for OHSS so I love that)

-He'll have me on "prophylactic Percocet" after my retrieval

If I still can't stand the pain - I should call him and go to the hospital

Last time I had no plan and didn't know to call my RE.  I went to a hospital where no one understood what I had.  This time my doc will meet me there and take care of me himself.

We are very nervous about how uncomfortable I will be.  If there's another worst night of my life waiting to happen -- but mostly excited that the cycle is going well so far, that those cysts shouldn't get in my way -- and that we'll be getting eggs (fingers crossed) to hopefully make great embies.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

had an amazing day

with C.  Slept in.  Went with lil' sis and her fiance to get tea/walk in the park.  The same park where I did boot camp to shape up for my wedding, here I was today, hobbling around bloated, jeans unzipped getting ready for fresh cycle #3.  I'm so in a different place now than I was back then.  All good -- life moving on.  I was talking with lil sis about wedding plans for her wedding which is almost a year and a half away... will I have a young baby by then?  Will I be pregnant?  Will I still be here???  I hate to use such a happy event as a time marker for IF shit, but it will be so insane if we're still childless then.

Anyway, after our pleasant day, we tried a restaurant we've been waiting to go to for over a year and I had a virgin version of this cotton candy drink.  They brought it out like this, then poured the "drink" over the cotton candy and it disappeared.  The whole dinner was fun.  It was sort of symbolic because if I do get pregnant this cycle, I wouldn't be able to go there and order all the weird foods we ate tonight.  So it was a bit of a last hurrah, though I've had plenty of those over the past two years.  But today/tonight was great.  Life is mostly really good right now.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Day 19

Just came from an early ultra sound.  Today went much better than the last u/s. I have about 6 follies on each ovary(fucking phew) that are around 11 and they need to be 20 - should grow 1-2/day so we're looking at a possible retrieval next weekend.  Oh, and there are a ton of smaller ones that are developing slowly.  RE took my follistem down from 150 to 100.  Again, trying to grow em without OHSS.  Next u/s is Monday.  I'm feeling much more positive about this cycle.

Friday, March 25, 2011

a better day

Today was tear free.  Got stuff done around the house.  Went to lunch with a lovely lady.  Even decided to go to a restorative yoga class for the first time.

This is literally a pose from that type of class:

It was full of poses that felt like I was barely even stretching.  A pose came where I felt uncomfortable doing it (doctor's orders - no inversions) and the instructor came over to check on me.  I told him I had that due to some medical issues I couldn't do it.  He said he needed to know what.  I felt so embarrassed. I don't know why.  I'm not usually too shy about my ivf stuff, but having to whisper my ivf details to a skinny yoga dude while the rest of the class listened made me so uncomfortable.  It was okay... the guy thought really hard to adjust my poses.  As much as the class felt too easy... I needed to be there.  I was as limited as the old ladies and people with hip problems there.  Though it felt like i was doing nothing, I felt pretty good when I left.  Though it's a nice reminder that I actually do like classes that really challenge me and as soon as I'm able to, I'd like to get back to that stuff.  I should be grateful that I am physically able to exercise and do it more often.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

today's ultrasound

started in the lobby.  I sat and listened ( I could hear enough to piece this together) that the couple before me was pregnant.  I was happy in theory - and I should be.  Another infertile pregnant. Proof that my doc gets people knocked up.  But I was jealous.  They were bickering in the lobby.  The wife yelled at the guy in front of me because he asked if her cell was getting reception.  Anyway, they seemed annoying ( I know -- I'm being catty) and I felt jealous that they were pregnant.

So... my appt.  Mu lining hasn't grown.  It's not a big deal but while he measured it looked like it had shrunk and he asked me if I'd seen any blood.  There was one day where I saw a tiny bit of pink and since it didn't happen again, I didn't call my RE.  Trying not to be paranoid but moments like that don't help.  So lining is about the same and he's not worried.

Then he estimated the number of eggs maturing as "about a million".  I'll take a pic next time.  It's crazy looking.  Not exaggerating, my ovaries look like bags of marbles.  There are only 3 that are growing (10 ish) and they need to get to around 20.  My RE's trying to get the big ones to keep growing and to get SOME of the little ones to mature without too many maturing (see my old entries about OHSS/the worst week of my life to see what we're avoiding).  He said I'm a unique case (awesome - love being a medical mystery) and I'm coming back in Sat., Mon, and then depending on how things look Wed, retrieval no earlier than a week from now.

I asked what he thought will happen next week, and he said he's really not sure.  This probably sounds like a fine visit - but I am an emotional mess right now.  I'm not sure why.

My guesses: not knowing if this cycle is going to work out, already not feeling good (had trouble sleeping from then tension/tenderness in my abdomen -- hard to explain.  I'm already only comfy sweatpants) and most of my follicles haven't even begun to really grow, fearing OHHS, coming to terms with everything that happened last time I did a fresh cycle, general fatigue of dealing with this.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

is this thing on (tap, tap)

I have been wondering if the meds are doing anything.  Nervous to show up to my appt and see nothing's going on in there... also nervous there's too much going on and something might be messed up in a way that would mess up this cycle.  I'm just generally anxious and tomorrow will give me some answers.  Tonight I put on my jeans (which are tight from weight gain) but they felt really tight tonight.  I was with family so I kept them totally unzipped at dinner.  I also realized that though I've had swollen fingers in the mornings lately, my wedding band is incredibly tight right now.  I guess that means something's working... I'm bloated.  Yay.  Also, I am sort of aware of some soreness near my ovary-area... but who knows.  Maybe I'm just looking for some proof that I'm on track.  Will know more tomorrow.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

day 16

I'm feeling a little desperate today.  Like I want to put back 3 embryos.  I was reading about decreasing embryo quality even in "younger" women and it made me want to take that gamble... we'll see.  I had a little trouble with my meds this morning.  It's simple but somehow I still had less than the amount I should've waiting for me in my morning shot.  I just started over (long story about how the shot works) so it's probably a $50 mistake.  Drop in the ivf bucket... just want to make sure I'm getting the right amount.  My meds are the one thing I have control of right now and don't want to mess them up.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Day 15

I don't feel any different after 2.5 days of high dose shots.  I won't be doing any hula hooping just in case my ovaries are already enlarged.  I go to a website where people post about their betas.  I saw a lot of positives today, and a lot of negatives.  Wondering which side I'm going to fall on this time around.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

back to real life

C and I had a lot of fun.  Not too much fun, but enough that I'm feeling a little guilty about having a few drinks each night, not getting enough sleep, being slightly off my med schedule.  Mostly the trip was a good break from the ivf stuff.... but it still was in the air the whole time.  Trying to schedule dinner reservations, showtimes, meeting up with people around my med schedule.  Keeping meds refrigerated, learning to do 2 new injections, blah blah blah.  Still, it was good time away.  I will feel much better when I have my Thursday ultrasound to know everything is going right.  Now I just have to push through this week... if it all works out, my egg retrieval will be in a little over a week.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

what happens in Vegas

for me will be a lot of ivf stuff.  Here's some of the excitement I'm packing:
fresh fruits, veggies, nuts for healthy hotel room snacking
work out clothes
a cooler for my estrogen suppositories/follistem
bag of needles/drugs
my laptop so with my instructions/videos about how to do my shots (new protocol)

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

my therapist reminded me today...

that it's snake season in her neighborhood.  To get to her office, I follow a path that has been known to have snakes, foxes, etc.  As if it's not daunting enough walking into therapy sometimes, I am now on the lookout for snakes.  I'm supposed to call her if I see one so she can come help me.  BTW, there a tons of things on the path that look like snakes: hoses, long plants...  It's a nerve wracking walk.  When you get to her door, her giant dog (who has to be tied up when patients arrive) barks aggressively at you. I normally like dogs, but this one startles me every time.  I guess she's just doing her job, but she's not my fav.  All in all, I enjoy my therapist, so it's not that big a deal.  I just think it's funny that there's a gauntlet to get there.

I drove myself to my new pharmacy today because they couldn't get their shit together to have my meds shipped in time.  They seemed nice and on top of things... but now that I'm home I realize that even though I asked the woman there a question about needing empty vials to take one of the shots at half dose, she told me it was fine and you can control how much you take with the pre-filled syringe. Got home, checked inside the box.  You can't.  I'm not driving all the way back there to get an empty vial because she was wrong.  I just called the pharmacy, talked to the lady in charge. She just ordered me my empty vials and will have them shipped to my house tomorrow before I leave for vegas.  Aye-ya-ya.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011


My lining is already a ten!  No cysts.  Thick lining.  A+ appointment today.  RE actually decreased my estrogen (per my questioning if my lining is at risk for getting too thick) and he opted to be conservative and keep me at one vagina burger/day instead of increasing up to 2/day this weekend.  I told him I trust what ever he wanted.

Pretty happy.  I was staring at the ultrasound machine, looking at images of my repro organs -- my familiar cysts that are okay and always there, my pcos-y follicles looking like polka dots on my ovaries - again, okay to be there -- I was glowing staring at that black and white visual as I imagine pregnant women do at the image of a sac or heartbeat.  The scale of what makes an IF woman happy is crazy.  But I was happy in there today.

Monday, March 14, 2011

day 8

getting over not having control of everything.  it's weird to me that I'm just having my first ultrasound tomorrow.  what if there's a cyst or something my RE should have seen a week ago?  I am trying to trust that he has a reason for everything.  So far when I've questioned him - he always has a reason.  But I'm trying to let all the tiny things that stick out for me as different from what I'm used to or less aggressive than I'm used to... I'm trying to let them go.  So - I'm very excited and nervous about tomorrow's appt.  Just hope I get the green light to start my stims and keep this cycle going.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Day 7.

This first week has been pretty easy.  I can take tiny blue estrogen pills, no prob.  Tomorrow starts vag suppositories.  I will be leaking oily stuff out off my infertility hole for the rest of the cycle.  Awesome.  I'm going to vegas on Thursday so I will have to pack a cooler full of melty white vag bullets (or as my mom says: vagina burgers) to insert twice a day.  Sexy.  And my shots to start over the weekend.

I'm feeling excited right now.  Please note how drastically different my moods are from day to day and feel sorry for my husband who gets to deal with it in person.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

it all kind of hit today

I had a bit of a melt down.  I felt so overwhelmed and I couldn't figure out why. After some tantrum throwing I realized that every time I've cycled/had surgery/had a let down -- for 9+ months I've been doing it while I was working.  So I stuffed my feelings away to get through my day.  Now that I'm cycling and I have time to let it sink in.... I'm absorbing everything I've gone through.  And it's huge.  I still feel better than the low points of this year... but I'm overwhelmed.  Even though this is a routine by now.  I'm still overwhelmed.  I got my calendar and it's a whole new protocol.  New drugs, new theories, new everything.  So there are a lot of variables.  But I'm trying to let go and trust my doctor.  To realize I can't control it.

I also went through my drug inventory to tell my RE what I have.  It's a mini pharmacy.  Such a waste because things keep expiring without getting used.  I wish I knew that -- I could have donated them to someone.

Anyway the cycle goes on.  The roller coaster of emotions continues... and I'm only on estrogen so far.  Yikes.

Friday, March 11, 2011

10 hours!

I saw an acupuncturist who specializes in fertility stuff.  She was awesome.  I went in so wary of this stuff... just looking for a calm place to relax... she knew everything I talked about, she's familiar with all the ivf stuff.  SUCH a relief to not have to explain myself.  She had me go through my whole history and it all sounds so crazy when you string it together.  Anyway, she really got me refocused on my cycle.  She advised me not to try and lose weight now or exercise too hard because my body is about to go through a lot and it needs to be focused on my eggs and lining and not freaking out from shock of cutting calories or intense workouts.  I'm scared to not try and get on this weight but I recognize this is not the time for it.  So, I took her diet advice (green, leafy veggies, lots of berries, protein) and her recommendation to keep working out but keep it all peaceful and pleasureful.  She said I can do yoga but only restorative yoga cause once I start my shots, I can't do any poses that might risk torquing my swollen ovaries.  So... I'm going to try and keep it all in moderation this cycle and if it works, I'm happy. If it doesn't work, I'm all set to jump into weight watchers and crazy exercise to get the weight off.  And I'll just have to try to eat right the next few weeks.

Also, she said I should be sleeping 10 hours when I'm cycling!!!  Done!!!  If she's right this is good for me, and if she's wrong, what a good excuse to sleep in!  Love her.  Wish I'd been going to her all along. But glad BFF recommended her.  Hope my insurance covers it!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

day something

My appt got pushed a day.  I started weight watchers for help with the recent weight gain.  I told them I take a medication that made me gain over 10% of my body weight in 2 months.  They said they have other members on meds that do that and they still eventually lose weight.  Hoping I can do that, too.  Not much else going on.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

day 3 of fresh cycle #3

I was already doing something wrong.  During my RE appt he gave me a bunch of instructions and I thought I was supposed to be taking one estrogen pill for the first couple days, but C reminded me it should be 2.  Then up to 3 on Fri.  I scribbled down notes, but I still don't have my calendar from him so I messed up.  It's amazing that even after all these times doing this, I still can get very basic things wrong.  Not a big deal though.

I went to my therapist today, and was not planning on needing to talk about IF stuff at all.  But a few minutes in I was reaching for a tissue (such a cliche) blabbing about fertility shit.

Went to the park a couple blocks away with bff and her baby.  I enjoyed being with them, but think it's funny how I moved to this neighborhood to be near the schools and parks for when we have kids... and now I mostly just avoid that stuff.  By the time my kids are old enough to really play in that park I probably won't even live here anymore.

Not much else to report.  Have a good night.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

day 2

And now we wait.  There's nothing much going on but planning around future appts.  My RE hasn't emailed me my calendar yet, so I just know sometime before Monday I need to make sure I have heard from him about my meds being ordered.  I'm only taking estrogen pills (along with my regular pills) so I don't have much to actually do.  I called an acupuncturist who specializes in IF stuff, so looking forward to starting that.  One drawback- her office is "conveniently" located across the street from my old RE.  I don't have a very positive feeling associated with that block, but will gladly brave it for a good acupuncturist.  My last one I went to was in a horrible space with not great privacy and not great a/c.  I stayed with her because she could accommodate my schedule changing all the time, but I'm happy to try a new place.  Looking forward to forced calm time so I actually do that.

So that's it.  Day 2 is boring.  Right at this second, I feel antsy, but when I look at the calendar and see that my ER is possibly only 3 weeks away -- that feels exciting.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Fresh Cycle #3. Day 1.

We went in for our WTF and my RE has me starting estrogen pills today.  I'll be on them for a week, then starting stims.  I've decided to try and write something each day, to give anyone who is reading this who might be curious about what happens during a cycle a more complete taste of it.  We're looking at an egg retrieval at the end of the month and a transfer hopefully 5 days after that.  My RE is using meds I haven't used before.  He's having me prep with a week of estrogen to get my lining ready which is also new.  My butt is still sore form my PIO shots from last cycle and I'm already starting the next.  I'm excited to be moving forward... feeling a little fatigued.  We've been cycling or having procedures/surgery so we can cycle for an entire year.  The year before that was full of doc appts and depression as well.  So... I'm tired of it... but excited to get another shot with a doc who can get me pregnant.  Even today as I sat in his office talking about all the complicated details to work around my PCOS and lining issues.... he still labeled me young and healthy.  He didn't want to do any bloodwork for the rare issues that lead to miscarriage because  my chem pregnancy was probably totally normal and not because I have some implantation issue.

Please, please, please let me not have any issues with staying pregnant since I have so many with getting pregnant.

And it's weird... I actually don't have many issues, just the ones i have are hard to work around.  Awesome.  Now I wait for RE to send me a calendar, order my drugs, and I go back in a week for an U/S and to learn how to start my new shots. Oh, and I have to decide whether to pay for this one cycle or gamble that I'll need another and buy the two cycle package to save money.  And I will get back into getting a refund for my last FET that was cancelled because I still haven't gotten my payments back.  Part of cycling is managing all the medical crap, and all the financial crap, and scheduling around all the doc appts and procedures.  Seems like a lot of work to do what most people do by humping.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Apparently I love mai tais.

I had many of them the past three days.  I dreaded my Hawaii trip because I didn't know where my head would be after the c/p LAST week.  It's crazy that last week I was pregnant and then not pregnant.  I'm in a really good head space.  Going for wtf appt tomorrow.  I guess tomorrow will let me know how okay I really feel.  If I get to start right away and feel confident about the game plan, I'll be in great shape.  And my RE just opened up a new office right near my house, so I won't be driving over an hour to get to appts.  Things are good for now.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

less than 2

That's today's beta... and that's what it needed to be.  Less than 2 means not pregnant.  And I got my period.  So I'm off to Hawaii to have 3 days of drinking, fun and (not to be too melodramatic) bleeding out my brief pregnancy.  Tmi, sorry, but normally I get a very light period and this is not that.  Perfect for travel and bathing suits.  Oh, and I said bathing suit not bikini because between the past 2 cycles in the past two months, I've gained over 12 pounds.  That's a HUGE amount for me.  I think it's from a steriod I started 2 months ago.  Sure i've been eating like crap and not working out, but it usually takes me way longer to gain weight.  I'm not happy with it so as soon as I get back from drinking my calories for 3 days, I'll begin slowly peeling this weight off. Hopefully in time to get pregnant and put it all on again, but for good reason.