Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Good news: I found out that if I have that hysteroscopy/biopsy procedure... if it turns out my inner-junk is in working order (my lining is hormonally balanced, no sneaky polyps or anything) then I can start my next FET cycle right after that. So unless they find something wrong I don't lose much time. Of course, I have learned to not assume anything, so my RE could find something that holds us up... but I'm feeling optimistic for some reason.
Also, it was pretty anti-climactic, but I "came out" to my boss since I know I have to take a day off next week. He said all the right things... told me to never feel guilty about the time off. he was very sweet.... now I'm just sort of waiting for an opportunity to tell my coworkers so they will maybe, possibly, learn to phrase some of the baby talk a little more gently.
But it feels so good to not care if someone overhears my RE phone calls, to not care if I walk out of the middle of a work thing to take my RE's calls, leave my meds out/take my meds without feeling self conscious, take off from work without lying about it... I don't care who knows now. Almost.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Yesterday I went to two events... both fun. Both included baby talk from strangers. Mostly the first one where I was seated next to a women complaining about having her 2 yr. old daughter too quickly. I considered sharing my tale with her but chose not to since I'm pretty sure she was just making small talk.
Then there was a toast where the speaker listed the goals of the guests of honor and it was all about starting families, enjoying motherhood, blah, blah, blah. C and I just laughed. Out loud.
Later that night I went to a b-day dinner... I had a really fun time, and even though I wasn't planning on it... I decided to have a Sunday night margarita just as an f-you to my not being preggers. I think I'll draw the line at occasional f-you drinks/soft cheeses/sushi. No cigarette 'n' crystal meth benders for me... so don't worry. I can stop the other stuff whenever I want. And I will when I eventually need to.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
I also wouldn't mind if I could carry on a conversation without either discussing or my mind wandering to infertility. I am such a One Note Sally. I can't wait for this part of my life to pass.... not just so I can finally have children... but so I'm somewhat interesting to talk to again.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Aside from that, today was actually refreshing. Work kept my mind occupied. I felt like there are actually other parts to me than just my IF. Still, it is unsettling to have nothing planned right now. No appt. to look forward to... no timeline. Just waiting for my RE to come back from his perfectly timed vacation to help me decide what my next step is. Maybe it's a good thing to not spend my first day back at work on the phone with my doc. Of course I came home to see my latest bank statement where we paid off our IF bills... it made me gulp. I knew it was coming but wow, it's still shocking. At least we went for the back up plan and our 2nd IVF is already paid for (if teh FETs don't work). I was hoping that money would have been a waste of a gamble because we'd already be preggo.
Yes, IF costs a ton of $. Yes, IF taints (ha - I said taint) every day. But today was still a pretty good day.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
On a happier note - today turned out to be okay. I had a back to work bbq with several brand new parents, some preggers peeps and lots of baby talk.... but it was okay. I was happy to see everyone. Happy for the BFF who was there and is finally preggo from her ivfs... I got drunk for the first time in months. I feel okay. I think the first news of my FET being postponed was the big upset, so it getting cancelled feels like less of a shock. Then I came home to DH who is pampering me and being incredibly sweet. Today could have been much worse. Now I will spend the week choking down my progesterone lozenges, keeping up with my meds, waiting for AF in a week... .and starting over again.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
I am anxious about starting work again on Monday. IVF #1 happened on a break from work where I could sit on the couch all day if I felt bad, I could get in the car and drive if I needed to, I only (for the most part) interacted with family and friends who were supportive and aware of my IF and my RE office... I have been spoiled by not dealing with the real world... which for me is a job where the hours are long, I see my husband much less, I will interact with people who have no idea how to talk to someone with IF, and a couple people who have either just become or are about to become new dads... lots of baby talk. I don't want to spend another year lying about my IF... I spent last year avoiding family talks, biting my tongue, pacing in the parking lot on my cell with the RE so I can have some privacy discussing the inner workings of my lady parts... I already used the "barfing my brains out" excuse for my HSG... I don't think I can "BMBO" for every ultrasound/transfer/bedrest. So I will have to come out at some point. I already watched my BFF come out about her IF at work last year and it was incredibly hard for her, even with everyone knowing. It's intimidating knowing I'm walking into this...
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Right after ivf #1 failed... I realized I had done nothing productive during the months I had off from work. Yes, yes, I was busy with doc appts, injections, etc, etc... but at the end of it I had nothing to show for all my hard work. So I ran out and knowing NOTHING about gardening, bought a ton of plants and veggies and herbs to start a garden. I've been meaning to for a while, and I wanted to create something and see hard work pay off (in at least one area of my life). So I toiled... I was insanely sore for days after my 2day gardening spurt. And finally a week or 2 later, there are fruits and veggies growing! I picked 2 ripe strawberries today and ate them. To be totally upfront, those strawberries existed when I bought the plant -- but I didn't kill them! I nurtured them with water, sun, love and ignorance... and then I ate them. It was very exciting. I haven't had many successes lately. I hope to one day grow a baby, and if/when that happens... I will not eat it.
Monday, June 14, 2010
I'm guessing anyone who writes about their IF has that title on their blog. I was struggling to wait for my FET and now that it's postponed... I'm waiting to find out if and when it will happen this month. Not the same struggle of waiting for over a year to even start fertility treatments... cause that's a different kind of waiting... where you look ahead months at a time and then feel totally powerless as the weeks/months pass and IF feels like a permanent state with no way out.
Now I'm trying to go about my days, taking my meds, trying to just live.... everything was a count down to my FET, and now that I don't even have a date for it, there's no countdown except to my next RE appt on Friday to get more answers. On Friday when I made my first post, I was so sad. Still absorbing the news that what I thought was happening, my second real chance of getting pregnant, was now taken off the schedule. Today I feel okay. I feel like I have it in me to go about my day. To be productive. It's depressing that IF now has enough sway over me that it's exciting to just not feel overwhelmingly upset. But I have to go with it. I'm bored with feeling upset. I'm going to try and fake feeling positive and see if I can trick myself into believing it.
Friday, June 11, 2010
See? Tons of eggs. Had to lure them out with ivf. My first ivf resulted in 15 eggs. 12 fertilized. 7 frozen. 2 perfect blasts transferred in. 60% of getting preggo. Turns out I got the crappy 40% of BFN. So, here I am. Now one of the millions of women blogging about my infertility... but hopefully this will help me be less insane to the people in my life and maybe help someone else they way others' blogs help me.
Most likely I will just say a ton of cliche stuff and vent.
I found out today that my frozen embryo transfer (FET) is now postponed at least a week and may possibly be canceled for this cycle. Sucks.