Saturday, December 3, 2011

Baby Lucas

He was born at 29 weeks one day on Wed, Nov 30th at 7:17pm via c section.  My doctors determined I had an infection in my uterus and he was in distress.  He weighed 2lb 11 oz at birth. He's being well taken care of in the NICU and I am recovering.  The journey continues... but I am a mom.  Thanks for all of your support.

Monday, November 28, 2011

my water broke about 24 hours ago

I've been in the hospital since about 5am Sunday morning.  I'm not in labor yet but getting through the first 48 hours is a big hurdle, then the first week.  I'm hooked up to a monitor, iv, and some leg "braces" that squeeze my legs constantly to prevent blood clots.  We will be here until we deliver, which can be no later than  34 weeks... but chances are we won't get there anyway, just taking it one day at a time.  We were told every day he stays inside me is 3 days less in the NICU.  We were visited by a NICU doc to be told what we're possibly looking at.  That was a scary talk... hopefully everything will be fine.  We're 28 weeks 6  days as of right now.  If he's born soon, we're likely looking at 2 1/2 months of NICU.   If he makes it to 34 we'll still have a month there... so either way, we're having a preemie and there will be a long road ahead.  We're doing pretty well considering.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

awake. again.

Fell asleep around 1am.  Woke up to pee around 3.  That was it.  Finally got out of bed around 5... scraped together a GD friendly meal.  I was starving and our fridge is pretty empty to accommodate T-Day leftovers which I couldn't even look at.  My brain isn't quite working so being productive is pretty much out of the question.  So, here I am.  I know today will not be awesome now.  When C wakes up, I will be hitting my insomnia wall and starting to doze off... I'll lose the morning with him.  I'll have to take Benedryl to fall asleep tonight.  I'm trying not to take it too much but pretty much every night without it there's a 75% chance I will not get to sleep more than a few hours.  Part of the problem is around 6:30/7pm I can't keep my eyes open.  So the past few nights I wind up napping a little then... no wonder I'm not sleeping.  Don't know how to get out of this cycle since I'm supposed to be lying down all day.  It's hard to regulate when you sleep when you're always in the position to do so.  Am I particularly cranky?  Yes.  I had a great doc appt on Wed.  My cervix is still at 2cm.  And as relieved as I was to not have the fear of the baby coming in the immediate future, I felt immediate dread and disappointment that I probably have another 6 weeks in this shitty limbo.  I "hope" I do for the baby's sake, but for mine... I don't know what to wish for.

Monday, November 21, 2011

28 weeks tomorrow

Tomorrow is a couple milestones for me: 28 weeks means the baby has a very good chance of surviving with no major health issues if he's born now.  It's also 3rd trimester.  It feels so weird to just be entering 3rd tri since I've been in the mindset of a woman who could go into labor at any second.  I have a hospital bag mostly packed.  C and I have had to think of plans for if I go into labor, plans for if we're in the NICU for a while... plans that normally you don't think about until you're way further along.

All good.  I will find a way to couch-celebrate tomorrow.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011


My cervix is stable since last week.  Looks like bed rest works.  Today I'm 27 weeks... looks like baby is happy inside for now!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

le bed rest continues

It's been a little over 2 weeks since the first cervical check up let me in on what was to come for these last few months.  My friend from home came to visit.  It was so nice to have a couch buddy... had to learn to say yes to things like her making breakfast and doing dishes... not my normal hosting instincts.  She left, I cried... realized true bed rest was about to set in... but one thing that has made it incredibly bearable is skyping into work.  I get hours of quality human contact, I use my brain, I feel some accomplishment when I feel like i'm helping, and my guilt from not being there is shrinking.  Plus, it's good for my bosses to pop in and see that I'm doing all that I can to contribute.

Another thing that is going to help me get through these next months is... Sat. my sister and her fiancee were coming over for lunch.  C went out to get groceries so I answered the door when they knocked.  But they were not alone.  My local cousins, BFF and her fam were there too with presents. I thought "This is my shower!".  My east coast shower was cancelled and I'm not sure how an LA shower will work since it's so hard to schedule with my new restrictions... so I was thrilled to see them and know we were about to have a fun afternoon.  Then there was another knock.  It was my mom who had flown in from PA.  I was incredibly shocked.  The tears came.  I had been feeling so isolated from my family and I felt that I'd been ripped off from those family experiences that come with pregnancy.  My mom got to see me this big, host a shower in my living room, got to give me some family "heirlooms", and this morning she felt the baby kick.  It was huge.  I needed that so much.  I think it'll really help get me through Thanksgiving week when I should've been home with my whole family.

Then today was BFF's daughter's bday.  My one big day out.  I was propped on a couch so I could hang out.  It was awesome.  I wore jeans and make up for maybe the only time in the foreseeable future.  For the next month, every week there's something to look forward to so I'm hoping this time flies... that I won't go crazy on bedrest and that my kid stays put for  awhile.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

100 days to go

100 days left of my pregnancy and cupcakes... 2 things that are not happening for me right now.

It's Sunday.  C's at work.  I'm freshly showered, set up on the couch.  We had a surprise visit from BFF and family which was exciting.  Other exciting things today: the dresser for the nursery is being delivered.  Groceries are being delivered.  And one of my oldest and dearest friends is flying out from PA to keep me company this week.  When she first offered I was nervous... this trip would suck for her.  But I explained exactly what her trip would entail, and she still decided to come out and do it -- with no hesitation.  I am so touched.  So excited to have the company.  She's technically my kid's first baby sitter :)

I made the mistake of looking into premie info last night.  I saw what were supposed to be beautiful pictures from this organization who comes and takes pro pics in the nicu.  It mostly scared me.  But maybe it's a good thing... A nice reminder of why I'm doing this bedrest.

I hope I get through the bulk of these last 100 days.  Then there will be a healthy baby.  And cupcakes.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

adjusting to being horizontal most of the day

Things are going okay.  I went back to work yesterday and had to stop myself from crying a few times.  Mixed feelings of WTF am I doing here... along with feeling lame and helpless  Everyone is very understanding and helpful (though I'm sure my boss isn't thrilled to have me half-way gone so early in my pregnancy).  I'm learning to ask for things... at home C has been doing everything for me except showering me and going to the bathroom for me.  At work everyone's been offering to help.  Even if Monday's doc appt looks good (as in -- not worse since it's not going to improve)... I'll have some decisions to make.  Right now a big chunk of my "work day" is me on my feet getting ready for work and the hour drive each way.  I feel like it might be a better use of my time working form home... it's not like I can contribute the way I used to when I'm not there all the time, when I'm lounging on a couch in the back of the room, when I can't really walk to different offices.  Obviously I will do whatever my body needs me to do, but if i have to work from home, I will really miss the human interaction.  It's funny, before the idea of not having to work full time sounded amazing... but not this way.  Not where I can't do anything.  

The positives of my situation are: 
holy shit -- I'm pregnant.  That in itself is still a miracle.  
I'm not hospitalized -- in the comfort of my house
I'm further along than I could've been with this issue.  25 weeks is scary but close to where it'll be okay
though I feel horribly guilty letting people down at work, I'm so lucky to have a job situation where I won't be fired for it
my husband is doing everything he can for me
my friends are really coming through for me
and this is temporary.

Monday, October 31, 2011

big adjustments

Saw my perinatologist today.  First something cute before the crappy stuff: during the ultrasound I had my head resting on my elbow, arm behind my head.  When the tech found the baby, he was in the same position.  I've never felt more like "that's my kid in there."

Then the doc did a vag u/s to check my cervix.  At first it looked good, but just like on Friday's, when he applied pressure it shortened to 2.3 and the funneling got worse.

I'm not allowed to work full time anymore.  I am not allowed to fly to the east coast for Thanksgiving (so, so, so upset about this.  It's my favorite holiday, I get to see my entire family, my mom had a shower planned that will now be cancelled, my sister scheduled her wedding dress fitting to I could be there along with my grandma and aunt, we had fun stuff planned for my mom's b-day, spending qt with fam and friends I rarely get to see... being around them when I was really looking pregnant... I already had my "what I'm thankful for" speech (we go around the table each year) al planned out...)

It felt too good to be true to get to have this time with my family and friends... and it was.  This is one of those times it is really hard to not live near family.

But I know that's not as important as the baby's health.  Not as important as keeping him in there for as long as possible.  I'm 25 weeks tomorrow.  It's way too early for him.  I'll do whatever it takes.  Just still absorbing what is going on.

I asked if my situation could improve and was told absolutely not, it can only worsen.

I asked if there was any way I could drive to San Fran for Christmas and doc said he'd be happy if I was still pregnant at Christmas.

And to think I wasted any breath on whether I wanted him born on or around Valentine's Day... seems ridiculous now.

Saturday, October 29, 2011


I got up at 5 today.  I feel calmer than I did last night.  Of course, I spun for a little while about what this whole cervix thing means for the future.  Will this happen with each pregnancy?  I had to put in 3 embryos just to have one take... what if 2 take next time?  Can I carry twins to term?  But on a slightly less insane note... mostly I'm feeling anxious, but okay.  My cervix isn't total shit, it's just feisty.  Maybe I can get to 30 weeks.  Or even past that.  I bet I'll know more as time passes... as my cervix behaves or not.  

I was watching an old episode of Six Feet Under last night (yes, I get my parenting advice from fictional tv characters) and Nate was talking about being a dad and how he ignores the fear of what could happen by recognizing there are things that are out of his hands.

Deep?  No.  But I'm using it.  I can't do anything but follow doc's orders and make smart choices to stay off my feet when I can.  I don't need to panic.  Will I worry?  Yes.  Will I go on blogs of people who had their kids early and feel nervous that other people's "early" is still a month away for me?  Yes.  Will I be celebrating each week a little harder than I was before?  Yep.

But I hear this whole having kids thing is just the start of being constantly worried... so I have to learn to minimize it or I'm just going to be paralyzed for the next few decades.

Friday, October 28, 2011

at 24 weeks 3 days

You may think I make up medical issues for negative attention.  I would if I read this blog.  There's always something for me to whine about.  When I write positive entries, I feel like i'm jinxing myself because something always comes up soon after...

Well, it has once again.

I had a doc appt today.  It was just a precautionary ultra sound.  The tech said my cervix looked great, but as she watched it, it slowly revealed that it is short (not good) and funneling (also not good).  I saw a different doc today than my normal lady.  He walked in the room and I was already crying.  He suggested I take it easy... I told him other than light walks, occasional pre natal yoga and running errands, I already take it easy.  he suggested I stop working.  I couldn't believe it.  I feel so far away.  I explained how sedentary my job is and he said if it freaked me out to stop, then just to try it and eliminate anything at all active.  C explained to me that I'm in a grey area where maybe everything will be fine, maybe not.  We just have to monitor me.  The doc today said to call if I have bleeding or contractions.  WTF?!  That sounds crazy to me.  Now I'm hoping to just keep this baby in as long as possible...  I'm terrified of what might happen if he comes too early.  I have an appt with my perinatologist on Mon.  C and I trust him.  If he says to go on bedrest, I will.  If not, I'll keep doing what the other doc said.

Then on the less important side, I'm thinking about all the things I wanted to get to do before he's born.  I've been desperately looking forward to my trip home for Thanksgiving to see my family, see my sister's wedding dress fitting, celebrate my mom's birthday and have my shower where I'd get to see my friends/family I never get to see... oh yeah, and get to celebrate this pregnancy that took so long to achieve...  then there's the birth classes... the LA shower I was looking forward to... enjoying Christmas, maybe a baby moon...

Maybe none of that.  In the grand scheme of this pregnancy, who cares... but I'm just tired of "dealing."  It's been several years of medical worry, of worrying for our future family... of fear, stress and dissappointment.  I feel worn down.  And now scared once again.

Monday, October 24, 2011

it's week...

Feels like a big deal.  As each week goes by now... I could have an actual baby.  Of course, I don't want him out anytime soon, and if it happened anytime in the next chunk of weeks... there would be a huge chance of health issues if he survived... but he'd actually have a chance of surviving....

It's really sinking in that there will most likely be a baby at the end of this pregnancy.  I'm starting to think in "whens" instead of "ifs."

Saturday, October 15, 2011

those are 2 baby feet hanging out...

The one foot is clearer, but it's actually two sitting there together.

I had another anatomy scan on Friday. Everything looks good.  The latest preggo issue (though nothing feels like a big deal after the Downs scare)... the latest issue is I have Gestational Diabetes.  Barely.  But I have it... I should be able to control it with diet and exercise.   So no cliched ice cream pregnancy for me.  At least at the end of it I'll be in better shape.  I was gaining weight pretty fast last month, so this will slow me down.

I watched BFF do this so I know it's possible... I just don't have the hang of it yet.  My first question for the nutritionist is: will I be able to break the diet on Thanksgiving?  There's something about not being able to eat stuff I love at Thanksgiving that feels sad to me.

I have to learn to not have any emotions about what I'm eating.  Friday at work there were a ton of treats (including a variety of gourmet bread puddings) that I stayed away from, and though I had a few minutes of wishing I could have some... it passed.  Right now I'd LOVE some dessert... not happening.  But it's a lot easier to say no to things when it's a matter of the baby's health.

Also, I've been feeling movement.  It's very subtle, and only when I'm lying down... but I feel it.  Can't wait for it to be strong enough for C to feel it, too.

Bottom line... right now I feel so excited that this is really happening.  I still can't believe we're pregnant. I feel insanely lucky.  I don't care that much about having to deal with GD.  I'm just very excited. Time is passing quickly and I think Feb will be here before we know it.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

forced "me" time

I'm stuck at home waiting for  a new mattress delivery (please please please let this be the end of waking up from my hips feeling sore and I need to flip sides... like those bed-bound super obese people -- hope I don't get any sores)...  Anyway, my first instinct was to get up and turn on the tv which would lead to at least an hour delay on my day starting...

Well, I can't find the remote.  I tossed the couch.  I looked all over the house in case C maybe absent mindedly left it somewhere.  I had a few seconds of panic.  I called C who is at work and left a VM. Debated paging him (something reserved for emergencies)... but then decided it's  a sign.  I've been so busy on the weekends...  I decided to take advantage of this quiet time to clean a little, then sit down with Pandora and get more online baby research stuff done.  Maybe do a little black boot shopping.

So far... it's awesome.

I'm feeling great right now.  Almost 22 weeks.  I haven't felt much if any movement but I'll wait a few more weeks before I get concerned.  Right now I just feel antsy waiting for that to happen.  But all is well.

My vivid pregnancy dreams have turned a little nightmarish this week.  One night I dreamt my sister died and I held her in my arms saying goodbye while she bled out.... one night I dreamed I lost the baby and was insanely angry at everyone I came across... last night I dreamt a girl I barely know from high school (but I know from facebook is about the same amount preg as I am) I dreamt she lost her baby and I was trying to find a way to comfort her.  Not awesome.  Maybe the new mattress will fix these.  Am I putting to much in the new mattress basket?

Saturday, October 1, 2011

back to happy stuff

I've been up since 4am.  The extra time has been nice.  My biggest stress today is deciding which baby errands we'll have time to run and in what order should we do them.

Love it.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

I've been avoiding writing the past couple weeks.

So... my last entry was at 18 weeks, after my anatomy scan.  Talking about how good I felt to have passed the major milestones... that Fri. I got a call that my 1st/2nd trimester screening came back as high risk for Downs Syndrome.  1 in 94.  If any friend told me those were their odds, I'd tell them not to worry.  C pointed out that if we were given those odds before we did IVF, we'd still do it.

Those are pretty good odds.  But it felt like the rug was pulled out form under me.  I just felt like we were so used to being on the shitty side of the fertility odds... what if we were that 1 in 94?

My OB treated it very seriously.  And urgently.  The unspoken urgency was because I was far enough along that if I did amnio and found out the baby did have Downs, and we decided to terminate, that we still have time to do so.  At first I said to her that I wasn't too worried because my NT and anatomy scan looked good.  She said that didn't necessarily mean we would be okay.  She advised me to get the same perinatologist who did the anatomy scan on the phone and that if I couldn't get a hold of him that she would call in a special favor and make sure i got to talk to him that same afternoon.

We got an appt set for Monday morning and spent the weekend terrified.  We kept telling ourselves we're probably okay... but that didn't take away the fear or fix anything we were feeling.  Fri night I remember staring at my belly that I wished would just disappear, wondering what exactly was growing inside of it -- trying to detach.  C and I tried to talk about what we would do if we found out we had Downs... those were terrible conversations and we didn't have any answers at the end of it.  We decided to not tell anyone so that if we did get bad news, that we could handle it privately... what ever we decided.

We spent the weekend with C's family... trying to avoid baby conversation.  Thinking very dark thoughts.  Crying when I could sneak away to have a moment alone.  We also knew that amnio carried a risk of injury/death to the baby... and though those odds were pretty reasonable (about 1 in 400... probably less at our particular specialist's office)... but we also feared we had a perfectly healthy kid in there but could possibly hurt him through the amnio.  Monday morning we first met with a genetic counselor.   That was hard at the time because we were no nervous.  We met with the peri (Dr. S.).  He did an ultrasound.  He was quiet the whole time.  At the end he said everything looked good -- no Downs markers... but that as much as he wished, he couldn't tell us everything would be okay.  So... we opted for amnio.  After we decided, he said he would have done the same.   As the nurses prepped me they quickly brought over the consent forms to sign away for all the risks involved.  The needle went in and I noticed how stiff my leg muscles were as I tried not to flinch.  I was so scared I would cramp up from that while the needle was in me.  Both C and I were freaked out watching the amniotic fluid fill up the syringes... that something that should be undisturbed was being pumped out be a needle that was right next to this kid.

I spent the next two days at home... trying to rest... there are a bunch of symptoms you're supposed to look for to call the doc immediately so I was trying not to be a hypochondriac about it.  A day into the home-rest I got a call that preliminary results came in that we had the right amount of chromosomes.  We'd know in 7-10 days what the official results were.  It was comforting, but I didn't let my guard down until yesterday when we got the call that everything was OKAY.

Until then I thought a million dark thoughts... what would it be like for Feb to come and we don't have a baby, what if this past ivf cycle was a fluke and we can't ever get pregnant again, what would it be like to terminate a pregnancy this far along, how horrible would the grief be, how much guilt I'd have...what would a life time raising a Downs kid be like, what would this kid's future siblings have to do to take care of him when we die... we were not ready to make such a huge choice if we had to... I am so, so lucky that didn't happen.

Before I got the good news, I imagined the tears that would come with that happy phone call... telling us our child would be healthy... I still haven't totally let it sink in.  I definitely feel a huge weight has been lifted.  I am back to feeling happy and optimistic about what ever is to come... but I know it hasn't hit me yet.

This scare was horrible... but it has made any other concerns about this kid/my pregnancy/our future feel tiny.  I don't care what this kid turns out to be like... I'm just glad that he'll have a shot at a healthy, happy, normal life.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

18 weeks

I felt my first movement today. Pretty cool. Lots of major mile stones passed this week. Anatomy scan, people can actually tell that I'm preg. Now some fluttery kicky stuff. Yee-haw.

Monday, September 12, 2011

all good

The anatomy scan looked great. I have to go back in a couple weeks since my OB sent us in in so early, there will be even more to check out in a month.  The first thing the doc said today was "you're definitely having a boy."  we have some pics but the little guy's face was smushed into my placenta (yum!) and he was mostly blocked... so hopefully next time we'll get a clear shot.  Today felt like a major milestone to get past and even though we have to go back for a more thorough ultra sound, I feel really good that things are going well.  He also said because of my PCOS (which I may not have according to my last RE, but who knows)... pcos-ers have a 75% chance of having gestational diabetes... so I will have to test early for that.  I have a feeling (not even based on science) that I will probably have it.  I've been cravin ga certain kind of cookies form a little boutique bakery... I will be hunting those down in the next couple weeks in case I wind up having to cut out all that stuff for the rest of my pregnancy.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

I just bought bibs.

Weird.  I'm showing more.  Also weird.  Feeling legit as a preggo right now.  I referred to myself as my kid's mom today for the first time.  It actually came out of my mouth as "mommy" but even typing that makes me uncomfortable.  Never referenced myself like that.  It's hard after so much time not thinking like this to let myself do it without it feeling fake or like a jinx.  But I'm coming around a bit.  I have my anatomy scan on Monday so that will either cement this feeling or shake things up.  

Yesterday I watched the documentary Babies.  When it came out I avoided seeing it.  Or even hearing about it.  It sounded like torture being mid IF.  But yesterday I watched it... routing for the third world babies not to choke on stuff.   That was the point of it, right?

I'm going with my lil sis tomorrow to try on bridesmaids dresses.  Should be sexy with my current physical shape.  Tomorrow I'm 17wks5days.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

shouldn't I be sleeping?

I keep hearing that this is the time to sleep since that whole "rested" thing will stop when this kid is born for a long, long time.  Why then does my body decide to wake up at 5 am on a holiday weekend?  When I walked into the living room, my cats looked "caught."  Like they were not ready for me to be out there... still had stuff to do.  

Yesterday I cleaned out my bedroom off all the clothes I can't fit into.  I have about ten things hanging in my closet and some mostly empty drawers.  It was too cramped with everything in there.  I separated my stuff into two boxes.  One for soon after the kid is born.  And one for what I hope isn't toooooo long after.  It's my clothes from last year.  Even most of my work out clothes are too tight.

Lately I've been having nausea probs.  If I don't eat every couple hours i get sick.  C suggested I set my timer on my phone to go off so I remember to eat so feeling pukey isn't my signal.  It's been helping.  Still... I will be thrilled when this goes away.

I noticed yesterday that what was a faint line on my belly (that stripey thing pregs get) is now way darker. Despite all the other changes in my body, I saw that and thought "Hey!  I'm pregnant."  Like the stripe makes it official.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Things are good.  I came really close to throwing up at work today.  The week has been a little stressful... better now but I really need to actively decompress.  The past couple nights I feel so antsy even though I'm exhausted.  I noticed something cool today in the shower... my scars from my lap surgery last Dec. used to be reminders of bad stuff I was dealing with.  Now they just sit off to the side and under my belly, and a little one inside my belly button which is getting more prominent now that my stomach is expanding.  It's just nice to know all the work led to something.  I also received my first onesies at work today.  I got excited when I saw them.  Nice to not have negative reactions to adorable things.

Friday, August 26, 2011

I woke up crying this morning

because I was dreaming that we ordered pizza for dinner at work and I didn't get any.  Seriously, tears rolling down my face over that.  I am pretty food dependent these days... I mean, all humans are... but it is weird to have to feed the beast immediately when I feel hunger or else I get really nauseous.  And it's also weird how long I'll go without feeling hunger... that just wanting to puke means I need to eat.  I think my dream was about a lack of control.  Still... tears over pizza makes me laugh.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

the envelope please...

woke up today bleeding.  went to doc to make sure everything's alright.  It is. I just have a low lying placenta... will probably move on its own but I have to take it easy for next bunch of days.  While I was there... found out the gender.  I saw it on the ultra sound screen but asked the tech to write it down and seal it in an envelope so I could call C after and open it together.  I waited patiently with it on my lap until after my appt to call him.  I wasn't sure if what I saw was right... I'm not a professional u/s reader... Well, turns out I was right.  When you see a penis, you see a penis.  We're having a BOY!

Monday, August 22, 2011

15 weeks tomorrow

I started to fall asleep during work today.  In my boss's office during some group work.  My boss caught me and was very understanding... but geesh.  Not very professional.

I overdid it last weekend.   I feel so much better than I did first tri that I thought I could handle a lot more activity.  Guess I still have to take it easy.

If you can tell by my not that interesting statements so far... not a lot going on on the preggo front.  I feel behind with the baby planing stuff but I know it will all come together.  I just haven't had much time to dive into it yet.

I have been eating some very expensive veggies.  Before I got preg, I replanted my veg garden and herb garden.  Probably spent about $250 on plants and fertilizer.  I had to have the garden growing in case the cycle didn't work so I could feel like I accomplished something.  Then once i get preg, I wasn't supposed to garden.  So the thing is running wild.  Vines everywhere, dead, dried out stuff... but now some things are actually growing despite my total negligence.  So for $250 I'm going to have a few heirloom tomatoes, a couple mini eggplants, a pepper or two...maybe a few strawberries.

Still, I'd rather have a shitty garden and a pregnancy.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

is it possible to be 14 weeks pregnant and still think like an infertile?

Yes.  I had a weird day where I caught myself feeling self conscious referring to myself as pregnant.  I felt annoyed when someone I know got pregnant easily said (perfectly nice and polite) baby stuff to me... she was just being nice but it struck me (for no rational reason) as a little upsetting.  Then I heard that acquaintances had a baby... I didn't even know they were pregnant because we barely talk to them...  I felt upset hearing about that.  Like, I started crying.  Why am I still having these feelings?  It's like today, despite being told that I've popped by several people... I seemed to have forgotten the past couple months.  Forgotten that things are working out.  I don't need to be jealous of people getting pregnant. I am, too.  I think maybe I have residual jealousy about how easy it can be.  It's a waste of energy and tears, so I hope these feelings go away.  I think I've just been so busy I haven't had time to really "be present" in my pregnancy for the past couple weeks and these things snuck up on me tonight.

Overall, pregnancy-wise... things are good.  We listened to the heartbeat at home yesterday and instead of searching for a few minutes, heard it instantly.  I'm excited for the next month... my belly is growing, we have some big doc appts coming up... we'll probably find out gender. Things are good. I need to focus on that.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

second trimester

I'm here.  Pretty crazy.  I barely felt nauseaous today.  Hoping this is the start of the joys of 2nd tri.  I'm working a ton lately... Now that I'm feeling more emotionally ready to start looking at names, nursery stuff, etc.  I don't have a ton of time to do that.  I'll find it... I'm just whining.  I desperately need to go shopping cause I'm not fitting in 89% of my clothes.  I have some maternity pants and I just tried on ALL of my shirts and almost nothing fits.  I will for sure hit some cheapie stores this weekend to find a few things.  Next door to where I work some tv show about models is taping so every time I pee at work, I have to wade through them in my ill fitting clothes.  I feel like telling them "I'm pregnant, fuck off!"  Things are pretty good.  Hoping everything stays uneventful :)

Sunday, August 7, 2011

lil' dude's still in there

Things are moving along... slowly.  I think there was so much ramp up to this past week... that week 12 went so slowly.  On Tues. I'm second trimester.  My belly is sticking out a little more.  It's still in that awkward soft-odd shaped phase... can't wait until it's round and obvious that I'm preg instead of maybe just big bellied.

C and I went to prenatal yoga yesterday.  It was at the place we used to go during IF where C would pick the classes based on avoiding the prenatal class.  Now we're a part of that class.  So strange.  I was for sure the least far along there. And C was the only guy.  He got huge props for that from the instructor who said it was great to have a hubby there so he could do some of the soothing techniques at home.  I was feeling all cocky for having suck a kick ass husband... and then we did group poses where 3-4 people helped each other.  Well, I wasn't a huge fan of C being touched intimately by a bunch of good looking (sure, pregnant bellied, but still, good looking) women.  It was a pregnant fetishist's ultimate (not that C is) fantasy.

Anyway... so happy to not be doing butt shots, suppositories, random pills...  happy to still be pregnant.

Monday, August 1, 2011

big day

Had NT scan.  Was 1.0 which is apparently very good.  Nasal bone looked good.  It went well.  Then my doc started talking to me about some genetic testing we were missing.  I got nervous about telling anyone at work because what if the tests came back problematic.  So quickly went from celebrating the nt scan to worrying about my Ashkenazic panel.  I just decided there will be more of these worries my whole pregnancy... and i'm not waiting until after the anatomy scan at 20 weeks to tell people.  So I did.  Everyone was so sweet about it.  They've watched me struggle through 2 years of trying... it was so weird to get to experience a moment I'd been looking forward to for so long when it all still feels surreal.

I feel so much better that it's not a secret.  Still feel shy about the whole thing... still have friends I haven't told yet.  But I feel a huge weight has been lifted.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

out and about in the world just now

I saw so many pregnant women.  I was just remembering how hard that used to be... and not so long ago.  I'm gearing up to write an email to my two bosses tomorrow night to tell them that I'm pregnant and will be late to work for my big doc appt.  And that if it goes well I plan on telling my coworkers soon after.  Part of me isn't ready for this.  But I want to tell before someone figures it out and it comes out without giving my boss warning.  I spent last week wearing clothes I thought would hide it, but I'm running out of those.  This part of "coming out" seems so surreal.

Of course I'm nervous that I'll tell my bosses, then have a bad doc appt and have to deal with whatever happens publicly.  Don't know why I even care because whatever bad thing that could happen at this point would be so bad people knowing would be the least of my concerns... but I feel anxious.  Can't make it go away.  Just ignoring it for now to get through the weekend.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

my long updated was just deleted :(

I just wrote a very long update and then hit the wrong button and it disappeared.  Sad.  Overall things are good.  Here's a general recap:

big doc appt on monday

back at work -- no one there seems to suspect I'm preg

my boobs are so much bigger my nipples stick out of my bras halfway.

I'm a handful of days away from shots/suppositories being done

BFF gave us a doppler to borrow.  C's great at finding the heartbeat but he's out of town.  I tried it myself tonight and couldn't find heartbeat but guessing it's my lack of skill and that the baby's okay.

That is all.  Next time I write an essay will save in the middle.  Good night.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Creeping up on 11 weeks

I don't have much to report. Which is great. I spent most of today on the couch not feeling great. This week I'd been feeling a bunch of tugging pains from doing too much and laughing. I can't avoid laughing. Only once today I felt the tug during a laugh. So that's better than the past few days where I was really feeling them. My dad just left. I feel bad that I was so low energy while my fam was here. I had dreams of cooking them amazing meals and stuff. Didn't quite happen this time. Oh well. All for good reason.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

it's been forever

since I wrote... or at least it feels like it.  My family's been visiting and I've been so exhausted the second the day calms down, it's usually time to ice for my shot and then bed.  I have been so sick at night.  Extremely nauseous, exhausted, headachy, can't keep my eyes open.  I'm learning I have to be really assertive and tell people no when I feel over-exerted.  It seems like people don't understand the extent of how bad I feel (again, thrilled to be feeling bad because I'm pregnant)... but I never understood how rough first tri could be before i experienced it, so I don't blame anyone else for not getting it.

I just had a great doc appt today.  I'm 10 weeks 2 days... and everything is going well.  I can't believe I got this far.  I can't believe my body is functioning.  I had to get blood drawn today and I got a little choked up.  For the past couple years I've had so many blood draws my "good" arm is no longer easy to get blood from -- now I use my other arm.  I've sat in the blood draw chairs at several different offices and labs, sometimes fighting back tears, sometimes extremely depressed, sometimes nervously hopeful... but today I sat there getting the normal ob blood panel done.  Because at this point I'm normal.  The nurse taking my blood asked how far along.  I said 10 weeks. Then she asked if my husband knew.  I laughed.  Keeping the pregnancy secret for the whole first tri sounds so Leave it to Beavery-pregnancy is a happy game-insane to me.

I have a belly.  Maybe it's just bloat pushing out the belly i already had... but I have something I can't cover up.  My OB said (ha!  I just typed OB instead of RE!!!!) that I "don't exactly have a long torso" and that the pregnancy has no where to go but out...  My NT scan is Aug 1st... I'm going to try and keep this secret at work until after that appt.  I can't wait for this to not be a secret.  I think that will make it feel real.

I can't believe this is working out.  I feel so, so lucky right now

Tuesday, July 12, 2011


I just graduated from my RE.  I had my last appt. there.  From now on I go to an ob-gyn as if I'm a normal pregnant woman.  I felt really emotional, but no tears.  I've heard friends talk about tearful, happy moments when they see the heartbeat, etc... not me.  I feel happy.  Relieved each time.  But I haven't FELT that joy yet.  That's what I've been thinking about today... how much had to happen to get here.  How many doctors appointments... I can't even guess.  How many injections, pills, moments of panic, moments of grief, of fear, of anger.  Tears.  Exhaustion.  Therapy appointments.  A sadness that creeps into every single day.  I don't know how to let go of it all.  I still feel incredibly angry that C and I had to go through it.  Yes, mostly I feel elated that something I've been so desperate for is actually happening... but I still have to find a way not to hold onto all this negative stuff.

On a happy note: 9 weeks was my random week in my head where I'd feel like if I made it that far, I was probably going to have a baby... and depending on which doc/chart you go by -- either today or tomorrow is 9 weeks.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

well... now the family knows

I feel so weird about this.  Just went home for one Step-Grandpa's funeral and one 85th b-day party for my other Grandpa.  At the funeral I was a mess physically.  Nauseous, tired from flying all night with no sleep, the weather was hot and sticky, and the day was overwhelming anyway.  I told my grandma first.  It changed her whole demeanor.  She was very happy and it was totally rewarding sharing the news with her.  Then I told my aunts and uncles and they were ecstatic.  Later I was talking to a cousin I hadn't seen in at least 15 years about how she's having trouble getting pregnant.  I told her all about my ivf and when she asked where I was in the process, I felt weird lying since some people there knew.  So I told her.  I explained how early it is and how cautious we are.  Later her mom congratulated me so I knew the news had spread.  I never see these people, but it just felt weird.

Then the b-day party.  BEFORE I told anyone, my grandpa's girlfriend (who knew we've been doing ivf) came up to me, asked if I was pregnant WHILE POKING MY BELLY.  Then she said "Nah, too soft."  WTF?!  Thank god I am or I would've lost it.  I told my grandpa first and he was very happy.  The I awkwardly told everyone else.  It felt so odd but my parents were dying to tell cause they've been lying for me.  I don't regret telling -- I'm thankful for the opportunity to tell people in person.  I'm glad I got to bring my grandma some happiness on a really hard day.  But still... I don't know when I'll feel comfortable saying "I'm pregnant."  Don't know when I won't worry.  I made the mistake of reading online about someone who just miscarried right where I am in my timeline: post seeing heart beat, finding out at graduation appt from RE (mine's Tues).  In their 8th week.  I think I read those things to find reassurance that their situations are nothing like mine -- but seeing one that was made me miserable.

I have an u/s tomorrow for our first ob-gyn appt.  Hopefully I'll see all is well and I'll be sane for another five-ish days.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

almost 8 weeks

That's tomorrow.  I'm heading cross country for a funeral.  I'm nervous about doing my shots without C.  It'll be fine.  I'm thinking of telling my family since I'll see them.  8 weeks feels sooo early... but what an opportunity to get to share happy news.  I just adjusted my facebook privacy settings so I can't be outed.  I hope.  And if something horrible should happen... then I guess my extended family will all know and it will be okay.

I'm also not looking forward to traveling with my symptoms.  Tired and naus'ed.  Meh.  But other than the obvious sad stuff surrounding a funeral, everything else is going pretty well.

Friday, July 1, 2011

2 solid days

...of feeling 92% positive about the whole being preg thing.  That's a record!  Yes my mind wanders to neg stuff and then I drop it.  I made an appt to see an OB.  I am thinking about the future without a sinking feeling in my gut.

About twice a week I have a problem... every night I get up to pee in the middle of the night about two or three times.  Sometimes I can't go back to sleep.  Last night was one of them.  I got up at 4 am for maybe the third time and then I just stayed up.  Aren't preg ladies supposed to sleep a ton?  I get tired so early at night and all I want to do is get a full 8 hours and it's just not happening.  Oh well.  I'd rather be preg and an insomniac than not preg at all.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

here's my blurry iphone pic...

of the totally on schedule little doo-dad-thingy inside me.  The heartbeat was 124.  Last time we all had to be quiet and hold still to hear it and today it was loud and easy to spot on the monitor.... everything measured on schedule.  My next appt is in 2 weeks and is my graduation from my RE.  I told him it doesn't seem real... he said it's been some journey for all of us.  I told him he should get to count me as 3 pregnancies for his stats.  He agreed.

It's time for me to transition to an ob-gyn.  He also said my miscarriage rate is down to 10% and at the next appt. it will be 2-3%.  We were so nervous today leading up to this.  I feel good.  Hoping this feeling lasts.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

7 weeks tomorrow

Last night in Palm Springs.  It's been so nice... but so much of this trip has been avoiding things cause I'm preg, getting back to our room in time for my shot at night... ALL worth it.  IF all is well.  I feel like a bit of a poser now "acting" pregnant.  I think tomorrow might go well... but if it doesn't, all these little moments of taking care of myself like I'm pregnant will feel so dumb.  I started reading pregnancy books.  It got me a little emotional because I've been trying to look at this as another step in ivf (to get through it) and not as in the whole life inside of me thing.  I skip the chapters about adjusting to the shock of accidentally getting knocked up.  I don't know when I will start feeling like a legit preggo.  Hopefully tomorrow's u/s will help get me a step closer.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

brand new day

I went to bed blood free.  Woke up blood free.  So... hopefully everything is going peachy keen all up in my reproductive areas.  C and I are off to Palm Springs for a couple days.  I am not allowed to swim.  Of course no drinking.  Our hotel room comes with a massage/day but I don't really want anyone touching me below the neck or above the knee. If you know Palm Springs in the summer.... that doesn't leave me a lot to do.  I will be able to sit in the shade, put my feet in the water, drink icy virgin drinks, sleep, eat, shop... it will still be fun.  Then we drive back Wed. afternoon to hopefully see an even faster heartbeat and that everything is progressing on schedule.  I have work to do, so that will keep my brain busy if I start going baby crazy.  At this second, other than feeling mildly nauseous and bloated, I don't feel pregnant.  Not that I'm itching to barf, but I wouldn't mind a little reassurance.

Saturday, June 25, 2011


Still some light bleeding.  No cramps so I don't think I'm having a misscariage.  See... I can't even spell that word... so that's how much I'm not planning on having one!  Still, not awesome to wake up and pee in the middle of the night and see blood.  Took a long time to fall back to sleep.  The only thing "comforting" is that if I am at the beginning of miscarrying, I can't do anything about it.  It's just so unsettling to still be bleeding.  Will be trying to not worry too much.  Ha.

Friday, June 24, 2011

doing okay

The bleeding was way lighter today.  RE didn't think I needed to come in for an ultrasound.  My next one is Wed. afternoon.  I'm working from the home for the next month.  It's such a time marker... by the time I go back, I'll either be at the end of my first trimester or having just gotten through something horrible.  I'm feeling/hoping/wishing/sacrificing animals so that it'll be the first trimester thing.  I can't even imagine what it will be like to announce to my coworkers what's going on.  I've been such a figure of baby doom there since a ton of people have had babies since we started there.  It doesn't even seem plausible that something this good could possibly be happening.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

6 weeks 1 day

Went in a nervous wreck.  RE said my file's getting thick and that's not good.  Awesome.  But then we did the ultrasound....

We saw a sac.  A yolk.  And a heartbeat!   Best case scenario!  Other than an official document promising me a live birth in Feb.

Spent today feeling really good.  Just went to dinner to celebrate/eat some fish to help grow this baby.  Then came home, pulled my pants down to pee only to find... blood (and a tiny little clot thing).  Called my RE.  He said it might just be that my junk is irritated from the suppositories I have to do twice a day.  I asked if it's from the vag wand from the ultrasound.  He said maybe.  And that I shouldn't freak out, but shouldn't ignore it.  And to tell him how I'm doing tomorrow.  So... we had a day to just feel good.  I still feel okay... but am a little more nervous.  The second I saw the blood I saw a flash of it all going away.  Hopefully that's the last dose of that.  So... great morning, good day, concerning evening.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Gah! Hurry up, ultrasound!

I cannot wait to see if this thing is happening or not.  "This thing" being the start of our family/end to a miserable time for us.  I have nothing new to say.  Just going a little crazy.  I still have some symptoms... but so badly need to see that we're on track.  That it's still happening.  Just have to get through tomorrow and we'll know.  Or at least know more.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Waiting for Thursday

I really feel like I'm just trying to trick myself to keep my brain busy so time passes faster.  I still "feel" pregnant.  My body is weird.  I know something's going on.  I know the odds are we will come out of this with a baby.  But I also know I could show up Thursday and see that there's something not right with the pregnancy.  And that it's over.  And that we have to start over.

My dad said the fam who knows I just did an ivf cycle is asking how it went and he's playing dumb.  Normally I wouldn't want to announce anything before end of first trimester... but I feel weird that the same people who were being supportive and checking in on me are being kept in the dark.  I think if we get to a point where we see a heartbeat I'll give my dad the okay to tell my grandma/uncles.  If I miscarry after that point I'll want my family's support anyway.... love how ivf takes the fun out of this stuff.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

A long, long time ago

BFF and I bought a ton of Dollar Store preg tests.  Like, thirty.  It was back when I first started TTC.  I had one left and decided to try it this morning.  I've never seen a positive (except the one I took the other day that was a fancy brand) and I know that the dollar store ones start showing positive at 250 hcg.  So even though Monday's beta was 366 and 250 doesn't mean anything.  I did it.  I unwrapped it and saw it expires this month.  That's how long ago I bought it.  Back in the day when I had just gone off the pill and wasn't getting my period and wanted to see if it's cause I was preg.  Little did I know it was the start to a long, long road of shit.  And that none of those tests would ever be positive.  Until this last little dude.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

5 weeks

Today I'm 5 weeks pregnant.  I think.  It's five weeks from retrieval which some timelines go by ( a couple said yesterday was it)... this makes sense.  I'm going with it.  So... 5 weeks.  I don't feel pregnant at all. The nausea has been gone for 2 days.  There's no black and white sign.  I have this lingering sadness.... just waiting for next Thurs.'s ultrasound to tell me we're still in this.  I'm trying to stay positive which mostly means ignoring as much as I can that I'm supposed to be pregnant.  I'm trying to eat right in case.  Trying to drink water and get as much sleep as I can.  But I don't even feel as tired as I did thru Monday.    It could all be nothing so I'm trying not to dwell on this shit.  Don't want to spend 9 months (if I get that far) feeling sad and worried.  I promise if next Thur's ultrasound is good to try and take that as a victory and not immediately jump to when do we see a heartbeat.  Or I promise to try :)

Monday, June 13, 2011

Ho. Lee. Shit.

366!  Still pregnant.  My next appt is my first ultrasound next Thurs.  Maybe this is it!  I have some symptoms already (some I have anyway -- pee a lot, tired from work... but I think they are actually happening): generally tired, low appetite, some acidy burps after I eat, peeing middle of the night, insomnia (is that a symptom?), TMI but my nipples are bigger and darker already... and this morning I was fairly nauseous.  I'm sure this will change but I love that I feel any of this because it makes the whole thing feel more legit.  Of course I'm still terrified it will all go away but so far so good.

Oh, and walked into the small room where i work and realized it had been freshly painted with no windows open all weekend.  So I'm sitting in paint fumes with a few cracked windows.  This early along I think it's okay... but yeesh... we worked so hard to get pregnant... don't want this little guy turning to mush from paint fumes.  That's how science works, right?

Sunday, June 12, 2011

aye ya yaye

So... a little nervous for tomorrow.  Beta number three.  I don't even know exactly what number I should be hoping for.  This weekend was spent going back and forth between feeling happy relief that we might actually get to be moving on to a much happier part of our lives... and the fear that at some point this could all just go away.  I'm going to ask my RE tomorrow if there's any extra blood work we should be doing regarding my thyroid/hormonal shit.  2 things that can cause miscarriages.  I want to trust that he'd be on it if there were real issues already, but REs seem to wait to deal with miscarriage issues until you've had more than one and I can't deal with that.  I feel like if something bad happened I have no emotional reserve to deal with it right now.  If there's nothing I can do to prevent it, I'll try and sit back and hope for the best...

Thursday, June 9, 2011

check and check.

86!  I'm still in the game.  Got through the next checkpoint... would not have minded a bigger number but since doubling time is 48-72 hours.... 86 is good.  A nice hearty number.  I have another beta on Monday and if all goes well it should be my last before my first ultra sound.  How do people do this?  Waiting for each thing is so stressful.  Though... it's less stressful than I thought.  My mind can still drift and focus on other things... I think I am still in shock... the looming threat of a phone call to tell me I'm still stuck in ivf world is so scary... and I've escaped it for the whole weekend.  And today I learned for $25 they'll rush my bloodwork so it comes in a couple hours earlier.  Why didn't they say this before!!!!????

This feels not-real.  But I'll take not-real over gut wrenching upset any day.


I'm off to get my blood drawn and than I wait.  All day.  I'm all ready feeling jittery.  Going to be a long day.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011


That is my beta.  I'm pregnant.  For now.  Day 13.  The big next step is seeing if that number doubles for beta #2 on Thursday.  I am happy.  But still won't believe it until we clear the next step.  I know pregnancy is full of "next steps" and I might be saying this the whole way... but right now Thursday feels like one of the biggest next steps of the whole thing.  So glad we got good news.  Thanks for your thoughts, prayers, patience with me whining, etc.  Hopefully there will be more good news soon.

Monday, June 6, 2011

beta tomorrow

I am not feeling very optimistic.  Yesterday I did a home test in the afternoon (I had just peed recently and you're supposed to use first morning pee -- and yes, maybe it's a little early) but it was negative.  It gave me my first wave of disappointment.  It might not mean anything.  We'll know tomorrow. I am just so tired of ivf. And for those of you who read this and know me in real life -- I'm so tired of this drain on the other people in my life.  I hope for all involved that I get good news... but I'm so used to getting not great news I can't imagine a reality where this just ends and we get a kid.  I'm dreading getting this call at work.  Dreading having to go about my day as if I didn't just get crushing news.  And of course part of me is very hopeful.  I'm too scared to test at home again so I'll just be desperately clutching my cell phone all day.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

First day w/o meds!***

***regular ivf stuff not included.  But no valium, no nausea pills.  The first day where I woke up and didn't feel significantly bad.  I had to pee and I tried to ignore it to sleep in -- but the longer I did, the more my right ovary hurt (they're swollen, bladder's nearby).  So I got up but it continues to be sore.  But who cares?  Cause everything else is so much better.  I'm still energy-less.  Went out to breakfast, drove to a few errands with C then had to come home and sleep.  But I am just so grateful to feel this much better.  It's like when you're feverish and it clears.  C and I feel like we've been out of the country for a week because everything has been put off.  We had a bunch of stuff we were going to plan for the summer, some stuff we were going to take care of for the house...  Things just keep popping into my head like I've been drunk for a week -- things that happened, people I was supposed to email... anyway, feels good to be back.  Or almost back.

Of course now that I have any energy to think -- my thoughts go to am I preg or not.  C and I both don't want to test at home yet.  We're both scared about dealing with it being negative.  We will go crazy and get upset.  Even though last time my tests were negative, it's cause my beta was so low.  If that happened this time, I still would be worried that it's because the embryos weren't good and that even if one implanted it would be fizzling out.  So, unless we're get a clear positive result -- it's going to be horrible and we're just not ready to deal with that.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

end of bedrest

Today is day 2 of bedrest.  It is so different for fresh (plus OHSS) cycles than for frozen.  Frozen was like a forced tv watching vacation where I actually got a little bored.  This past bed rest was just making it through the day.  The mornings and late nights before bed are the worst times.  My stomach feels intensely tender, heavy, nauseous... my breathing is a little labored, I get easily winded, there's pressure in my chest and back.  And yesterday I started getting abdominal cramps -- not horrible ones -- but that's what sent me to the er last time so it scares me.  It all does.  Because I never know what's around the corner, when it will end.. plus treatment's all up to me.  Do I feel bad enough to take pain meds?  Bad enough to get the fluid drained?  Bad enough to go to the hospital?  I wish there were black and white things to look for.  Then there's the emotional stuff going on that I'm really just trying to ignore.

Today's physical stuff was worse than yesterday's... which makes me nervous about going back to work tomorrow.  I know the morning will be hard.  I already washed my hair, picked out something I can wear without being too uncomfortable... I know I'll be okay for parts of the day and not okay for others.  It will be fine.  I just have to make it to the weekend to recover.  I've been drinking about 3 cans of soup per day for the salt.  It's so fucking gross.  Especially first thing in the morning when I'm desperate to feel better.

All that whining aside -- the rational part of me thinks I'm doing better with the OHSS this time.  I don't think I'll wind up in the ER this time... I don't think I'll ask to get tapped (fluid drained thru needle in vag) unless I get way worse... especially not with those 3 embies inside of me.  I guess if I really struggle at work I can lay down for a bit.  I'm nervous about people even asking me about it because right now if I talk about it I get upset.  I don't want to make it weird... but I work in a place where we joke about everything and I am not in a place where I can laugh about any of it.  They have no idea what I've been going through physically (not that they should) and the last thing they knew is I was excited about how many eggs fertilized... i don't think I have the energy to act like it's all good.  Will try my best.

Need to get an extreme hobby (kite surfing, roller derby, sausage enthusiast?) so I can be known for something other than ivf.

Oh, and special shout out to the husbo: he has been on non stop cooking, grocery shopping, dishes, laundry, shot prep and administering, suppository fetching, really everything fetching, watching shitty tv with me, comforting, staying positive for us, handling my mood swings well and general nurse and doc duties since retrieval one week ago.  And he has a day job.  He's the best.  I know he'll make an amazing dad.

Monday, May 30, 2011

21 down to 3

All but 3 of our embryos stalled out.  The 3 looked great.  We put them all in since the egg quality concerns my RE had look like they could be real.  Hoping for twins out of this so we never have to go through this again.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

I have OHSS again

I haven't had any abdominal pain (the stuff that sent me to the ER last time) but I am really feeling the pressure and overall sickness.  Stomach bloated, nauseous, barely have any energy.  I get winded walking to the bathroom.  I am drinking salty soup 3-4 times a day starting when I wake up cause salt is supposed to help keep the fluid out of my abdomen.  Not the sexiest condition.

Transfer is tomorrow.  Most of my embryos are still going strong, but we'll find out exact numbers tomorrow when we go in.  My first few nights I was terrified of having to go to the hospital -- but now I'm just settling in... hoping this shit goes away.  My RE isn't too concerned.  He thinks it's mild-moderate.  I agree.  But still -- it's scary not knowing where it's going or how long it's sticking around.  Hands down the worst physical part of IF for me -- no question.  My least fav time of day is 9:15pm when I lay on my bloated belly to get my intramuscular butt shot.  All kinds of unpleasant.  But we got so many eggs this time -- at least this shiznit is for something exciting.  Last time I went through this it was for 3 not great embryos that didn't result in pregnancy.

I am nervous transferring embryos when my body's in this condition... but I want a shot at a fresh transfer, my RE isn't concerned... so we're going to do it.

Thursday, May 26, 2011


fertilized!  So.. now we wait for them to grow and see what makes it to day 5.  Which is Mon. So my transfer is scheduled for Monday afternoon.  These are great numbers -- just can't help but feel a little wary about issues popping up.  So, no counting eggs until they hatch.

But so far -- so GOOD!

I'm so sore --went back to work today... but nothing I can't handle.  Fingers crossed there's no OHSS lurking in the near future.  I got nervous when I went to bed last night -- like, "Hope I don't wake up screaming in the middle of the night and have to go to the hospital."  It usually takes a few days for OHSS to set in... so if i make it through Sat., I'll start to relax.  Tiny, reasonable goals.  Totally respectable.  Couldn't help but look up my due date if this works.  Right around Valentine's Day.  Getting a tad ahead of myself already.  Awesome.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011


They took 21 eggs out this morning.  Nothing horrible happened.  I'm tired and sore but just fine.  Tomorrow we'll hear how many fertilized.  Holy shit -- something went well for me!   This is just the thing i needed to get me through the pain of Oprah ending today.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Game on!

Tomorrow is my egg retrieval.  I had 20 follicles as of Mon. morning.  I triggered at 8pm last night in the bathroom of my boss's hotel room on a work trip.  I came out and my coworkers cheered.  BFF was in there for support.  I know there's still tons of stuff that can go wrong, but maybe this will be the one where things go right.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

here we go again

Sat.'s u/s looked good.  Tomorrow my RE is meeting me at 7:15 for an u/s so I can catch a 9:30 flight for a one day work trip.  If my follies are there, have not mysteriously disappeared... then either I trigger tomorrow night for a Wed retreival or I stay on drugs for another night or two (unlikely).  So... last time I went in for the pre-trigger appt is was horrible and the cycle pretty much was over.  And we were devastated.  So, here's hoping it goes okay. Also scary packing for an out of town trigger.  If I get to do it... I packed extra needles... there's nothing I can do where i'm going if it gets messed up... I also had to pack my meds for every situation...

please please please let this all go smoothly

Thursday, May 19, 2011

so... things are okay as of now

Just has u/s.  I have some follies growing.  11s-14s.  My lining is 8.5.  Not awesome but grew .5 since Mon.  No cysts yet.  Maybe cause I'm on one estrogen suppository/day instead of am and pm.

I go back Sat. for another u/s.  The nurse is getting set for me to trigger Monday but I told her I usually take a little longer.  We'll see.  Maybe this will all work.  I'm feeling optimistic.

Had plans to go away this weekend but now we're going to come back early Sat morning for u/s appt.  Happy to do it if it helps this cycle at all.  I have a work trip Mon. morning to Tues evening.  Will get tricky getting in for an u/s before i go to the airport but I think my doc is willing to work with me.  I told him I need to make my boss happy so I make money in case there's a next cycle.  He said not to think like that.  I know he has to say that but I really do feel that he wants me to get pregnant and isn't looking to take my money.

And that f-ing magazine was on top of the stack again so I told the receptionist I was hiding it at the bottom of the pile because it's a bummer to see.  Small victories for IFers still count!  Gotta take em where I can get them!

I thought it was a little depressing that my BFF's blog post yesterday was of her baby's 6 month birthday and mine was complaining about reading material in my RE's office.  I cannot wait to not have this be my life.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

reading material from Mon's appt

I should be an ivf consultant for new ivf offices.  I've been to enough.  I could guide them on the do's and don'ts from a patient's perspective.  Of course this wouldn't be very lucrative because they'd only need one visit from me.  First point of order: magazines.  If they say anything about someone being pregnant -- especially pregnant right after getting married... maybe don't display them.  And not right on top.

Of course - there's nothing else really wrong with my doc's new digs.  He's no longer sharing space with an ob/gyn so no preggos complaining about bullshit and no pics of newborns on the wall.  So far I haven't seen any patients bring their kids to appts --- a pet peeve of mine.  The only other thing I don't love about the new office is the bathroom is directly next to the doc's office so to pee you have to walk by him and essentially sit on a toilet 2 feet away from him.  And the parking is about $5/visit.

Hopefully I won't be spending many more visits at that office... but chances are I might have to.  All in all, I give it a solid A-.

Monday, May 16, 2011

today's ultrasound

Not much is happening yet.  Just 2 follies growing.  RE is keeping me on same amount of menapur until Thurs.  I asked him if he's concerned about how long my last cycle took and if that had to do with my mysterious follies disappearing thing.  He said: "I'm concerned about everything with you.  More than any of my patients."
In a way it's comforting that he is as concerned as I am... but I came away from an appt where nothing went wrong feeling depressed.  Awesome.

We'll see where we are on Thursday.  If I had to guess... IF I get to do a retrieval, it won't be until late next week.


Friday, May 13, 2011

It's Friday, Friday, gettin' down on Friday...

I know that song from Stephen Colbert... and I guess Rebecca Black by default.  I have that ol' familiar excited feeling where I can't wait for the weekend to pass so I can go to my Mon. ultrasound and see what's going on.  Why am I excited?  I should be nervous/anxious etc cause if how my last cycle went down.  I shouldn't feel excited until I get to retreival.  But here I am.. an IVF CHUMP.

Guess I should just savor being in good spirits in case this shit gets busted up next week.  Hope anyone reading is going into this weekend in a good mood, too.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

things feel alright today

I started my menapur/vag suppositories last night.  I will be very curious to see what's a'brewin' on my Monday u/s.  Right now I have no idea when/if I'll be doing my retrieval and it's really hard to plan... especially because a lot of my planning is work related.  Trying to gauge how not to flake on people.  Love IF for that.  I'm about to start back up at work... trying to savor these days where I am not rushing around... where I have time to myself.  Today I went for one of my (now almost daily) hour long walks... then came home and cooked breakfast.. sat down to eat it and then took my dexamethasome pill.  So funny to exercise, eat a good breakfast, then take a pill that will make me hungry/fat.  Anyway, today feels much better than the past two days.  Here's hoping that keeps up!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

having a hard day

Today was my first u/s.  It went fine.  I'm just waiting for a call that my bloodwork went well and to start menapur tomorrow.  There was just something about sitting in that same RE's office... after a trip away visiting friends and family... being away from C... seeing everyone else's life moving forward while we're stuck in infertility land.  Just got to me today.  Plus I weighed myself.  154. something.  Turns out all the eating right/exercise during my cycle is for nothing.  It's the same kind of weight gain as when I do nothing.  The idea that in a few weeks I could be even heavier with one more failed cycle under my belt is extremely depressing.

One huge thing I have going for me is my husband.  It was really hard being away from him for 5 days.  He picked me up from the airport clean shaven and with a Mother's Day gift for me.  I had a great time being with my mom on Mother's Day, but the idea that my peers who are fortunate enough to have kids were being showered with celebration and gifts really upset me... like I was being penalized for not getting to have kids.  I know, it's a very narrow way to look at it -- and other years it didn't bother me... but this year it did.  And C knew that.  He showed up with a fancy pair of sunglasses I had tried on but had thought they were too expensive.  He said I had 2 days this year where I technically was pregnant and should get a Mother's Day gift.  I don't think those count -- but I love that he did that for me.  I think it's so sweet that he's constantly looking for ways to help me through all this when he's going through it all with me.

I will say - as sweet as he is... there are just some parts of this process I'm stuck going through by myself.  I think part of what depressed me so much today was sitting alone in the RE's office waiting for the doc to come in.  I try to keep my mind occupied -- all the time... I definitely hide from my thoughts. I'm always on my phone, on my laptop... just trying to avoid my feelings... and sitting on the table waiting for my RE.. my purse three feet away on a chair with my phone tucked away...all I had were my thoughts.  Staring at the ultra sound machine with my name typed in... waiting to tell me my fate.  The glob of lube sitting on the vag wand.  And I was a mess before he even walked in the room.

Monday, May 2, 2011

feeling good about the next few weeks

One would think after the last disastrous fresh cycle, I'd be a little more reserved with my optimism.  I learned that I'm even more of an unusual patient than I thought I was and apparently even basic things can go very wrong for me.  So... shouldn't I be more nervous?  I am... but for some reason I don't feel quite as doom and gloom about it.  Right now.  At this second.  It can change instantly.  But something about the summer weather hitting, C having today off, birds chirping outside, cliche good stuff all around -- is just making me feel eager to get another chance.

Saturday, April 30, 2011


woke up after horrifying dream where my RE's nurse killed me.  (I'm not going crazy from ivf, I swear!) In the dream, she came up from behind me and hugged me as I was on the phone with my RE, then she threw some brown powder in my face that made me hunch over, paralyzed and then everything around me started to die and it looked like i did it.

Awesome.  I woke up upset.  It was so windy out... like eerily windy that I just layed there freaked out for a while.  I wound up awake for most of the night.  Somewhere in the middle of that, I remembered another side effect of the Dexamethasome I'm on is insomnia.  I really, really hope that isn't something I'll be dealing with this time around!

Friday, April 29, 2011

And we're off!

I just took my first Lupron shot and Dexamethasone pill.  I feel excited.  So dumb, but I do.  I've been working out w/trainer/eating right since i got back from Portland and I already feel so much better... so going to try and keep it up while cycling.  Without over do-ing it/hurting myself/getting in the way of my f-ing eggs thriving.

I decided to track my weight during the cycle.  I was going to keep a separate log of it, then thought "what if I do that on my blog?"  Then I thought I didn't want people to see it.  But whoever finds their way here is seeing way more personal stuff than that...

So, today before my shot I weighed 149.2.  That's still up 3 lbs from before last cycle.  BTW, I was around 135 when I started IVF a year ago which I thought was a high weight for me then (I'm just under 5'1).

So I haven't gotten that weight off and I'm already going back at it.  I figure by keeping track of my weight honestly here... I will be more accountable so I don't eat my way through this cycle.  Especially with the Dex which on the side of the bottle tells you it may result in insomnia and increased appetite.  Plus that pesky side effect of weight gain.  If I sound weight obsessed... I always am.  But the past 4 months it has shot up so quickly, I feel like focusing on it and actually DOING something about it is a good thing.

So for the next month... the goal is to MAINTAIN.  Depressing?  Yes.  But less depressing than if I wound up gaining again.  It's also something I'd want to do even if I weren't cycling.  I'm learning (over and over again) it's important to try and hold on to the part of yourself that exists outside of ivf because it's easy to let who you were pre-IF slip away and become bogged down with the shit storm.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

record scratch -- I'm in a good mood

My house is clean, my husband's home, my work situation is good, the weather is amazing today...  I'm feeling excited to get my next cycle going... but nervous that any good spirits could get thrown back in my face at any point in this process... trying to ignore that.

Right now my possible ER/ET will line up with my first week of work and an overnight trip my boss is planning for my coworkers.  BFF advised me (and I'm taking it) to not tell boss man I maybe-might-sorta-never-really-know need to take time off/mot go on the trip.  I was thinking it was courteous to give advanced warning that I might flake... but it's so annoying to bother him with it and then not even take the time off... cause he just remembers that it was an issue, not whether it happens or not.

So I'm just going to keep it to myself and hope it DOES interfere ( that means I got to do my cycle) or that it interferes in the mildest of ways.  A girl can dream...

Monday, April 25, 2011

weekend of kids

It was pretty good considering.

The positives:
I had a lot of fun with the kids (my nephew, fam friends)
I visited a friend with a 4 wk old and it was 96% nice

The negatives:
the friend with a 4 week old didn't gain any pregnancy weight... realizing I gained it for her but have no baby

not being able to avoid babies anytime I stepped outside... literally had a zombie movie moment where to avoid one kid coming at me I turned down a different street and ran head on with a mom and her baby

a little girl came up to me from behind thinking I was her mom (we have similar hair) and I felt flattered that I'd passed for "a mom."  It made me incredibly angry that I felt that way.

There were a lot more moments... positive and negative... but those are the ones that popped into my head first.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

we did something sorta dumb :)

We bought a rug for the sad, empty yellow room where we store boxes... or the "nursery."  This rug will stay rolled up until that room actually becomes a nursery (no sad quotes).  We saw it - I really liked it, C had a huge reaction.. or as a huge as a man can have to a kids' rug.  We decided to get it and just leave it alone. At some point there will be a kid and at some point we will lay this rug out.  There's a cute little giraffe that got cropped off on the left.

Usually kids stuff just makes me/us depressed, but for some reason this rug inspired us to get it.

Monday, April 18, 2011

since I always complain on this blog...

I'll say something positive for a change.  I had a good day.  No particular reason.  Nothing much happened and it felt pretty good.  It was day one of working out hard and eating right.  Maybe it's that feeling of control I'm digging.  My cats were particularly cute tonight.  One of them flops down next to me on the couch by the edge and if I don't "save" him he'll fall off.  I don't know why he doesn't catch himself, but it's insanely cute.

C and I have been thinking of getting a dog.  We are very aware of it being a kid replacement.  I am nervous about the commitment, but open to anything right now.  We're doing a little research now.  It might just be a distraction to think about right now... or we might actually do it.  Who knows...

Sunday, April 17, 2011

wish I had just worn this around my neck this weekend

Having just spent the weekend with people who (though I love) just had no idea what we were going through with our ivf.... even when we tried to explain it, it just didn't resonate with them (based on the stuff they did and said the whole time)

Bff sent me this and I think it really captures how hard this shit is... it's from the Pregnant in Heels blog.. someone who now has a tv show where she had to rewatch herself go through ivf and ho hard it is looking back, even after she had kids...  anyway, here is her remembering:

Watching those scenes took me right back to the despair and complete lack of control I felt for many of the weeks during filming.  IVF is not something you dabble in for a few injections everyday; it is something that consumed my entire life.  Every morning I’d wake up and go to the clinic to have my blood tested and eggs watched to see if they were near maturity and ready to be fertilized.  Every day I would undergo numerous injections.  And every night I would wonder how much closer we were to having another little one.  When this process that normally happens so unbeknownst to us is studied with such intricate detail it is hard to stop obsessing about it.

Each day is filled with so many unnecessary triumphs and failures all pegged to a few words I might hear in the morning from the doctor that happened to be on the early shift.  Sometimes I’d get a doc with a brilliant bedside manner who’d report “Oh yes, lovely, these eggs are looking great, good job, see you tomorrow,” as if I actually had something to do with their wondrous progress that day.  And off I’d skip as if my eggs had just won some award and things were looking up that day.

Other days I’d get “Oh, not growing as fast we’d hope.  See you tomorrow.”  This would send me into a spiral of despair and out I’d go, dragging my feet, convinced all of my eggs had given up and decided to pack up shop, shrivel up and retire on the Costa del Sol with the other aging Brits.

I don’t think these doctors realized that statements were the key to my entire day and of course I was too much of a masochist to actually ask them to explain their comments so as not to make or break my entire day.  Alas, this pretty much sums up each of the approximately 14 days during my cycle that I was required to go to these morning torture sessions.

Even better were the days that they’d call my name and someone would recognize it.  Favorite comment from the darling sitting next to me: “Oh, that must be like being a chef but not being able to eat your own food.” Yep, just because we were all in the clinic together didn’t necessarily mean we were all hugging each other and signing Kumbaya.

So for me the IVF process continued like this with daily monitoring, each day leading hopefully closer to the day they actually take the eggs out and fertilize them to be transferred back as embryos.  Looking back there were only a few weeks every cycle of injections, but at the time it felt like eternity.

Let me just take a moment here before signing off.  I realize that, as usual, I am hiding behind humor to avoid really discussing the agony of this experience.  In a perfect world nobody should be denied the ability to have a child and to experience the unparalleled joy that being a parent brings.  Yet infertility slapped me in the face and left me sitting for so many hours in our bathroom crying on the edge of the toilet seat or in the shower hoping the sound of the water would muffle my sobbing.

It is amazing to me even now that I pretend I could handle the whole thing with a few laughs and some jokes, but really I think I am still scared by the experience both literally and figuratively.  Every time I look down at my belly the scars of infertility literally stare back up at me as I look at the ones I received as a result of an emergency pregnancy-related operation.  But nothing runs as deep as the moments I shared with my husband following a negative pregnancy test result.

I am brought back to reality when I stare at my sons but to think I came so close to not having them, to think of all the other stories people have shared with me, I am humbled by the women and men, the warriors that they are in their determination and strength on the road to parenthood and in parenthood.  I am 31 but in the face of this I am older than I ever imagined I would be.  And so the journey continues.

back from the consolation prize

Because the cycle got cancelled we got to go on one of our mini-trips.  It was fun -- we met up with old friends.  One mentioned they were going through IF when C called to make plans with them and told them about us.  I was looking forward to having someone else to talk to who is in that world... turns out, they're already pregnant.  They checked in with an RE and got pregnant before they started treatments.  I didn't ask what they're problem was... all they said was they had no idea how it possibly happened.  I didn't ask because #1 - I don't know them that well and #2 - I almost didn't want to know.  It would probably just make me feel bad.

On this trip I had two different adoption dreams.  I think I had that stuff on my brain all trip (besides the regular amount) because one of our friends kept pointing out cute kids to us... he's about to be married and is in that phase... I remember that from a long, long time ago. Even after we told him about our ivf, he kept doing it... he just doesn't know how hard we are trying to ignore them...

Anyway, my adoption dreams were so odd... one we were in a cattle call of people "receiving" their kids... it was sprung on us and i felt very strong feelings of joy that we were about to get our kid... as soon as she was put in my arms, I realized the baby we got was older than the others because no one wanted her because she was deformed and sick.   Then a doctor told me he was relieved to not have to deal with her anymore -- she as that hard to manage.  I felt instant regret about her but felt too guilty to give her back.  Then she started throwing up and it turned into me throwing up for her.  I kept spitting to get it out of my mouth... then I woke up.  Happy vacation slumber!

I guess that's the fear of adoption -- if your own kids are jacked up, they're yours, you made them.  If you "choose" one like that... it's almost like you had a part in your fate.  Of course, real life adoption is so hard you don't really choose anyway...  we're not ready to move on to adoption... but how peculiar that it's started to pop up in my dreams.

Monday, April 11, 2011

what now?

Well, my whole "try and write every day of my fresh cycle" feels dumb now.  I guess i was looking at it as an archive of what really goes into it -- for anyone who's curious... but mostly to have a record of all the emotions/efforts if it worked... which it did not.

So... back to "regular" life now.  I am doing okay.  The weekend was hard.  All that time to let the week sink in.  I was bratty.  C managed me well.  I saw my new trainer, Donna, today. She is really sweet.  I'm learning that I have trouble getting through explaining to people who don't know as much about ivf - something about putting what happened into simple terms makes it sound even worse.  I say something like "even for ivf, this was unusual and bad."  And then the tears come.  I tried to workout through my crying - but being out of breath and trying to keep snot in your nostrils doesn't go well together.

One thing I learned from this last cycle: nothing I do outside of ivf can help me get pregnant.  Of course I'm not saying I can do drugs, not sleep and only eat gas station hot dogs and that won't effect my mind/body. I'm just saying, no amount of yoga, acupuncture, certain foods, etc will change the outcome of my cycle.  I knew this, but now I REALLY GET IT.  I feel zero guilt about not doing ALL of those things now.  I don't have to be perfect.  I don't have to look into anything about my cycles except my protocol and am I generally taking care of myself.  Next cycle, I will eat healthy but not fixate on it, I'll do acupuncture if I feel like it... I'll do whatever makes me feel good -- but nothing hoping it will help me get pregnant.  It puts too much pressure on everything and takes up too much energy.  Sad take on this: I've already had this discovery -- I've just gone through enough cycles that this past one I returned to grasping for anything I can do to maybe-sorta help.  Happy take on this: next cycle I will have more free time/energy to do other things.

Friday, April 8, 2011


And now we drink.  All the follicles that were around 11-14 back on Monday are all gone.  Mysteriously vanished.  It is "very unusual."  My RE had a young patient who this happened to back when he worked in NY and she had low egg reserve.  However, we think for me it was a protocol issue.  No more Ganirelix or Follistem.  Next time - BCPs overlapping with Lupron and then higher dose of Menapur.  Next time starts in about 3 weeks.  My RE asked if I felt up to it physically/emotionally.  For me, then answer is yes -- must keep going until it ends.  I am scared that we'll have similar problems next time, but hopeful that one of these fresh cycles leads to a kid (and hopefully enough frozens to NOT have to go through this more than I have to.)  I don't know what our quitting point is but we're not there yet.

We were okay-ish tonight until I had to do a progesterone shot to start my body to have a period... something about being back there, the pain of that shot for nothing but a period after a failed cycle got to me.  At least we have closure for now.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

good luck?

Bff gave me this good luck pig.  I gave it to her for her first ivf cycle (did not go so well).  Her 2nd did... So, this little guy has his work cut out for him with me.

I have my u/s in a few hours.  Who knows what is coming my way.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011


RE upped my meds to see what happens with the leftover follicles.  All hope and excitement for this cycle is gone right now.  Which is easier in some ways.  I'm not anxious.  Not holding my breath til the next appointment.  

Went to acupuncture angry today.  Why the fuck live everyday for a cycle is it gets you nowhere.  All the leafy greens/yoga/acupuncture/taking care of myself doesn't translate to a good cycle.  Acu-lady actually calmed me.  She follows my meds/dosage and though she's no doc, she said she's never seen a client on such low dosage of meds as I was.  She thinks it was just not my protocol.  I came out of it feeling more relaxed, and if that's all acupuncture can really do, I think it's worth it.