Tuesday, May 10, 2011

having a hard day

Today was my first u/s.  It went fine.  I'm just waiting for a call that my bloodwork went well and to start menapur tomorrow.  There was just something about sitting in that same RE's office... after a trip away visiting friends and family... being away from C... seeing everyone else's life moving forward while we're stuck in infertility land.  Just got to me today.  Plus I weighed myself.  154. something.  Turns out all the eating right/exercise during my cycle is for nothing.  It's the same kind of weight gain as when I do nothing.  The idea that in a few weeks I could be even heavier with one more failed cycle under my belt is extremely depressing.

One huge thing I have going for me is my husband.  It was really hard being away from him for 5 days.  He picked me up from the airport clean shaven and with a Mother's Day gift for me.  I had a great time being with my mom on Mother's Day, but the idea that my peers who are fortunate enough to have kids were being showered with celebration and gifts really upset me... like I was being penalized for not getting to have kids.  I know, it's a very narrow way to look at it -- and other years it didn't bother me... but this year it did.  And C knew that.  He showed up with a fancy pair of sunglasses I had tried on but had thought they were too expensive.  He said I had 2 days this year where I technically was pregnant and should get a Mother's Day gift.  I don't think those count -- but I love that he did that for me.  I think it's so sweet that he's constantly looking for ways to help me through all this when he's going through it all with me.

I will say - as sweet as he is... there are just some parts of this process I'm stuck going through by myself.  I think part of what depressed me so much today was sitting alone in the RE's office waiting for the doc to come in.  I try to keep my mind occupied -- all the time... I definitely hide from my thoughts. I'm always on my phone, on my laptop... just trying to avoid my feelings... and sitting on the table waiting for my RE.. my purse three feet away on a chair with my phone tucked away...all I had were my thoughts.  Staring at the ultra sound machine with my name typed in... waiting to tell me my fate.  The glob of lube sitting on the vag wand.  And I was a mess before he even walked in the room.

No comments:

Post a Comment