Saturday, March 30, 2013

and here we are

The ohss is on it's way out.  I have zero energy but feel much better.  Part of me is hopeful that we might actually have a chance... and a big part of me feels like this isn't our cycle.  Maybe it's just my self-preservation instincts sending up those walls... or it's that feeling that since most of our eggs/embies were not viable -- how could we actually get a great result out of this?  Except I know that it can work. Because the last cycle was almost as bad and we got pregnant off it.  Yes, we transferred three great embies last time and only one took... but it only takes one.  So I'm not moping around... not totally positive.  Somewhere in between.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

ET was yesterday

Our fertilization report from day 3 was:

1 good embryo, 1 fair and 5 poor.  They can always change for better or worse.  The night before ET we went over possible scenarios that could be sprung on us at ET.  We could get a call not to bother coming in cause they'd all fizzled out.  We could have a hard choice of only having one to freeze (and genetically test).  We could have a few good ones and have to decide how many to put back, 1 or 2.  Really don't want twins.  Don't know if I can carry them.  Really don't want a failed ivf cycle.  I found myself feeling angry that I had to be conservative with how many to put back because I not only have a shitty fertility lot.  But I have a shitty pregnancy lot.  I felt like I was being doubly punished.  Wah wah wah.  Back to the charming personality of an IVFer.  Anyway, we showed up for transfer.  Found out only 2 embryos survived... one good and one okay.  Our doc felt like though he couldn't guarantee anything, it was less likely for us to have twins with 2 (especially these two) than most folks cause, in simple terms, it was less likely for us to get preg than most folks cause we were coming into it with poor sperm, mostly poor eggs, a history of shit... and 24 eggs that lead to 2 embryos.  So we put them both back.  Despite the disappointing nature of this cycle... I was thrilled to have something to put back and we really just need one to work.  Hope it's one of these.

Monday, March 25, 2013

fertilization report

out of 24 eggs:

3 were immature
8 were misshapen/grainy/irregular... not viable

So 13 mature eggs... turned into 8 embryos

I'm currently waiting for an update but we're scheduled for a day 5 transfer so it can't be terrible.

There were also some sperm issues which could be linked to C's fever.

My uncomfortable-ness is increasing by the day but it's not insane. Yesterday I felt ready to try half percosets.  Today half didn't cut it so I took the second half.  And I feel soooo much better.  And I was worried it would make me sleep all day but I've been pretty energetic.  Maybe too much because I'm starting to get tired now.

I've been drinking my liquids/eating my gross soups at weird times.  I'm back in that OHSS place where I don't have an appetite... but all in all, drug management is working.  I think my least favorite part of the day is laying on my belly to get my progesterone shot.  Tomorrow I have a work meeting so that should be interesting.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

The Morning After

I woke up around 6.  The soreness from egg retrieval mixing with a weird uneasy feeling in my gut (literally and figuratively).  My left butt cheek is sore from my 1st progesterone shot last night.  That my mom had to give me.  Why?

Well... yesterday when my alarm went off at 4:30am to get ready for my ER, I saw that C was in bed next to me in his scrubs.  He'd made it home from being on call just a few hours earlier.  I touched him and felt that he was HOT.  We took his temperature and it was 102.8.  We were both nervous about what that would mean for retrieval... would his sperm be okay?  Do we call the doc?  How after all this ivf is there still new shit to pop up and shake it all up???

Instead we got ready, he took some Advil and I drove him to our appointment.  It turned out that because it was a new fever, it would be okay.  But after C did his sperm "deposit" he went to sleep in the car -- it's a tiny waiting room and we didn't think it was fair to the other patients that day to have a sick guy there.  So I was there alone.  It was okay because they took me right in.  They said I was a hard stick... a relatively new thing.  After the IV went in I felt a little nauseous.  I also felt like I was going to cry.  Was I scared?  I'd done this quite a few times before.  I'm supposed to be good at it by now.  I guess it's so stressful leading up to it -- so many things could go wrong (for me anyway).

I woke up and heard there were 12 eggs and still counting.  I asked for C.  The called him and he came right up and helped me get dressed. On the way out we asked how many eggs they got.  The receptionist looked at my chart and said "2+".  What the fuck does that mean?  A nurse read it... it said 24!  She had misread the 4 as a "+".  Oh, lady.

I'm pretty sure that's the most amount of eggs I've ever had retrieved.  Which is exciting.  Maybe this cycle will be even better than the last.  Maybe it's just getting my hopes up... we'll see.

We got home and C and I fell asleep on opposite edges of our bed -- he didn't want to get me sick; I had no desire to be touched.  I woke up a little later to C shivering.  Guess he's not getting better right away. My mom is here -- taking care of little one.  I was trying to take care of C -- me hobbling around getting an extra blanket, something to drink.  My mom doing the same for me.  It was a funny caretaking exchange.  (Of course my mom would've done all that stuff -- I'm just trying to to what I can when I can so I don't exhaust everyone since I might be less able later).

I woke up a few hours later and felt sore but good.  Got stressed out when I realized my mom would have to do my shot.  This is the one that always hurt and I got sorer as the night went on and wished I could just lay on the couch and let C handle everything -- but he was a mess himself.  The shot didn't hurt -- good job, Mom!  But it left its normal, lovely lady lump behind.

I slept pretty well... but woke up about an hour ago at 6.  I feel an uneasiness.  I know what it is.  It feels like there's a circle the size of a small paper plate around my belly button -- and under that circle is a sinking, uncomfortable feeling.  It's the beginning of OHSS.  I expect it might be bad this time with all those eggs.  I HOPE it will not be bad because every cycle is different.  But I am nervous.  C is nervous.

I wouldn't leave the ER without my percocet prescription.  Last OHSS I tried to go without using it and it wasn't until the end that I caved and felt slightly human.  I don't want to hold out this time -- but I could hear myself asking for it (my doc already said he would do it -- I was just afraid that with C sick and my groggy post ER that we might leave without it).  Anyway, I sounded like an addict.  As if I did this cycle just to get that prescription.  I told the doc, he could give me Valium ( I remember getting some last transfer and realizing how much it helped)... whatever would help with the least amount of potency.  So I have the  Percocet prescription on the dining room table... I was hoping that I wouldn't need to get it filled, but waking up feeling this thing in my gut makes me think that might be where we're headed.  I've got my fingers crossed that my "gut feeling" is just some other thing related to having retrieval yesterday and that I'm worried for nothing.

Still, I'm thrilled to have so many eggs.  We'll see how many fertilize.... then after that it's wait to day 5 to see how many survive.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

like prepping a bomb shelter

I'm about to go grocery shopping... ready to hole into my house post retrieval (which is set for 6:30 am tomorrow).  I already feel bloated, a little nauseous, pressure building.  And that's just the normal stuff.  What I'm nervous for is A: the results.  How many eggs?  Are there any?  Did the trigger shot even work?  And also B: the looming and likely OHSS.

So today we prep: Laundry done, house ready, I need to download a shitload of stuff on the dvr.  Sounds like a fun staycation, right?  It won't be.  It's stuff for me to barely pay attention to while I roll around, trying to get comfortable while in a sick haze.  Something to catch my attention for small spurts to pass the time.  I need to go buy salty stuff... mostly soups to drink.  Need to do everything I might not be able to do in the next week if this shit gets criz-azy.  Luckily my mom is here to help.  Hopefully there will be no going to the hospital but it's nice to know there's someone here to watch the little one if that happens.  There will be the weekend when C is home, too.  My sister and her husband will be around then.  This will be fine.  This will be temporary.  With any luck it will be the last time I have to do this.

Monday, March 18, 2013

taking notes

Okay.  Just in case (and I so hope not) I have to do another ivf cycle, I want to sort of take some notes on what's happening with this cycle.

I started doing Lupron shots a month ago (10).  Went down to 5.  Got my period.  Stayed at five.  Did 2 Delestrogen butt shots.  Started Menapur (3 vials and estradiol suppositories or "vagina burgers") 2 and a half weeks ago.  On Sat. they had just started to grow with a 14 lead... (I'd switched from stomach shots to top of thigh shots to aid absorption).  Today I have about 19 eggs; an 18, five 17s, eight 16s, three 15s, two 14s...  it looks good.  My lining has been good this whole time and it's now a 12.  Doc thinks the estrogen primer (delestrogen) slowed my response/helped my lining.  I'm set for retrieval either Thurs. or Friday.  It looks... GOOD.  I'm hopeful, excited.  Will feel better after tomorrow's appt when I hopefully get the ok to trigger, will feel better when I wake up from ER to hear that they actually got eggs... and so on and so on til I bring home a healthy baby.