awake

I got up at 5 today.  I feel calmer than I did last night.  Of course, I spun for a little while about what this whole cervix thing means for the future.  Will this happen with each pregnancy?  I had to put in 3 embryos just to have one take... what if 2 take next time?  Can I carry twins to term?  But on a slightly less insane note... mostly I'm feeling anxious, but okay.  My cervix isn't total shit, it's just feisty.  Maybe I can get to 30 weeks.  Or even past that.  I bet I'll know more as time passes... as my cervix behaves or not.  

I was watching an old episode of Six Feet Under last night (yes, I get my parenting advice from fictional tv characters) and Nate was talking about being a dad and how he ignores the fear of what could happen by recognizing there are things that are out of his hands.

Deep?  No.  But I'm using it.  I can't do anything but follow doc's orders and make smart choices to stay off my feet when I can.  I don't need to panic.  Will I worry?  Yes.  Will I go on blogs of people who had their kids early and feel nervous that other people's "early" is still a month away for me?  Yes.  Will I be celebrating each week a little harder than I was before?  Yep.

But I hear this whole having kids thing is just the start of being constantly worried... so I have to learn to minimize it or I'm just going to be paralyzed for the next few decades.