Monday, April 11, 2011

what now?

Well, my whole "try and write every day of my fresh cycle" feels dumb now.  I guess i was looking at it as an archive of what really goes into it -- for anyone who's curious... but mostly to have a record of all the emotions/efforts if it worked... which it did not.

So... back to "regular" life now.  I am doing okay.  The weekend was hard.  All that time to let the week sink in.  I was bratty.  C managed me well.  I saw my new trainer, Donna, today. She is really sweet.  I'm learning that I have trouble getting through explaining to people who don't know as much about ivf - something about putting what happened into simple terms makes it sound even worse.  I say something like "even for ivf, this was unusual and bad."  And then the tears come.  I tried to workout through my crying - but being out of breath and trying to keep snot in your nostrils doesn't go well together.

One thing I learned from this last cycle: nothing I do outside of ivf can help me get pregnant.  Of course I'm not saying I can do drugs, not sleep and only eat gas station hot dogs and that won't effect my mind/body. I'm just saying, no amount of yoga, acupuncture, certain foods, etc will change the outcome of my cycle.  I knew this, but now I REALLY GET IT.  I feel zero guilt about not doing ALL of those things now.  I don't have to be perfect.  I don't have to look into anything about my cycles except my protocol and am I generally taking care of myself.  Next cycle, I will eat healthy but not fixate on it, I'll do acupuncture if I feel like it... I'll do whatever makes me feel good -- but nothing hoping it will help me get pregnant.  It puts too much pressure on everything and takes up too much energy.  Sad take on this: I've already had this discovery -- I've just gone through enough cycles that this past one I returned to grasping for anything I can do to maybe-sorta help.  Happy take on this: next cycle I will have more free time/energy to do other things.

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