Sunday, April 17, 2011

back from the consolation prize

Because the cycle got cancelled we got to go on one of our mini-trips.  It was fun -- we met up with old friends.  One mentioned they were going through IF when C called to make plans with them and told them about us.  I was looking forward to having someone else to talk to who is in that world... turns out, they're already pregnant.  They checked in with an RE and got pregnant before they started treatments.  I didn't ask what they're problem was... all they said was they had no idea how it possibly happened.  I didn't ask because #1 - I don't know them that well and #2 - I almost didn't want to know.  It would probably just make me feel bad.

On this trip I had two different adoption dreams.  I think I had that stuff on my brain all trip (besides the regular amount) because one of our friends kept pointing out cute kids to us... he's about to be married and is in that phase... I remember that from a long, long time ago. Even after we told him about our ivf, he kept doing it... he just doesn't know how hard we are trying to ignore them...

Anyway, my adoption dreams were so odd... one we were in a cattle call of people "receiving" their kids... it was sprung on us and i felt very strong feelings of joy that we were about to get our kid... as soon as she was put in my arms, I realized the baby we got was older than the others because no one wanted her because she was deformed and sick.   Then a doctor told me he was relieved to not have to deal with her anymore -- she as that hard to manage.  I felt instant regret about her but felt too guilty to give her back.  Then she started throwing up and it turned into me throwing up for her.  I kept spitting to get it out of my mouth... then I woke up.  Happy vacation slumber!

I guess that's the fear of adoption -- if your own kids are jacked up, they're yours, you made them.  If you "choose" one like that... it's almost like you had a part in your fate.  Of course, real life adoption is so hard you don't really choose anyway...  we're not ready to move on to adoption... but how peculiar that it's started to pop up in my dreams.

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