Saturday, March 12, 2011

it all kind of hit today

I had a bit of a melt down.  I felt so overwhelmed and I couldn't figure out why. After some tantrum throwing I realized that every time I've cycled/had surgery/had a let down -- for 9+ months I've been doing it while I was working.  So I stuffed my feelings away to get through my day.  Now that I'm cycling and I have time to let it sink in.... I'm absorbing everything I've gone through.  And it's huge.  I still feel better than the low points of this year... but I'm overwhelmed.  Even though this is a routine by now.  I'm still overwhelmed.  I got my calendar and it's a whole new protocol.  New drugs, new theories, new everything.  So there are a lot of variables.  But I'm trying to let go and trust my doctor.  To realize I can't control it.

I also went through my drug inventory to tell my RE what I have.  It's a mini pharmacy.  Such a waste because things keep expiring without getting used.  I wish I knew that -- I could have donated them to someone.

Anyway the cycle goes on.  The roller coaster of emotions continues... and I'm only on estrogen so far.  Yikes.

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