another round of holidays behind us

This Christmas was okay.  I was braced for it being hard.  There were a few moments but generally okay.

Just drove home from NoCal.  Rest stops full of moms with cigarettes and little kids.  In SF I saw a ton of people who looked like us but with kids... I guess because it's a walking city, you actually SEE more families scuttling around.   We caught up with old friends and were very honest about what's going on with us... I have this feeling like I want everyone to know what we've been through.

I'm feeling angry tonight.  Don't know why it makes sense for us to have this struggle when others don't.  Running out of new thoughts on this.  It's always hard.

I'm supposed to be taking care of myself so I'm in a good place for our upcoming FET... will have to start doing that...

I'm my own pharmacy

Yesterday I took inventory of all my meds so my RE knew what to order for me to get started.  The depressing part... some of it had expired.

Cause we've been doing this for so long.

Also I wrote my old RE a "break up" letter telling him that we're moving on and thanking him for his care.  I didn't hear back.  Part of me still feels connected to his office, especially his head nurse who was awesome.  I went through a lot with them... but I'm already really liking my new doc.  We'll see...

girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do

I'm healing pretty well... jeans are still unzippable.  At my appt today, my RE said something shocking.  That since he found mild endo during my lap, that maybe we'd want to try on our own for a few months because pregnency rates can be higher.  I asked him what he meant and reminded him that I don't ovulate.  He said he could put me on meds for that.  I got really emotional.  That's not on our own.  I've been so in ivf world.. so moved on from that idea... I know that trying to find the right protocol for me could take a while and now that I only have 1 tube left operating at 50%, the idea of taking six months to experiment made me very upset.  Just him mentioning it as an option made me upset.  I've already grieved that part.... I don't want to go back to that.  It's like someone said my dog died and then a year later said we could dig him up and try some experimental treatment for months to see if he comes back... yes I'd want the dog back.. but those months of hope and disappointment... and possible half year delay of our dreams and goals... I don't want it.  Not now.  Now I want to move on to do a frozen cycle and hope the lining issues/failed cycles I had before were due to my tubes/endo and can use those good ivf odds to maybe get preg.  I know someone might read this and think I should be patient and do the lower impact procedures... but I just want out of infertility and even though there's something hopeful in his suggestion, I hate it.  If we are able to have our own bio kids through ivf and if we do ivf again... then we can do another lap, start slow... see what happens.  But I'm exhausted and will be moving ahead with an frozen cycle starting in a week or so.  Booya.

post lap

well, I'm feeling better... still really tired but less sore.  I'm so relieved that nothing major happened and I can get back to regular life starting tomorrow.

I woke up to a recovery room nurse telling me to breathe (in quite a pissy tone) and after I bugged her enough about the results of my surgery she looked at my chart and told me they took out an ovary.  I knew she was wrong so I didn't freak out...

They DID NOT remove an ovary.... but they did remove one of my fallopian tubes and had to repair the one they left in.  The remaining one might be problematic in the future... they also found some mild endo and some scar tissue... my doc asked C if I'd had colitus (sp?) or something like that that would've cause it... I haven't had anything like that that I'm aware of.  Though I knew we'd need to do ivf to get preg... I'm still weirded out that there was something wrong with my tubes.  I'm upset that the 2 docs who told me I was good to go possibly wasted my time leading me to do procedures when I had tubal issues that might ruin any attempts... but mostly I'm looking forward.  We won't do any frozen transfers til Feb.  My re was saying jan, but he didn't realize how damaged my tubes were and wants to wait for them to heal.  He sounds optimistic.   So I feel optimistic.  Who knows if my mild endo (which a ton of people have that doesn't interfere with pregnancy) or my tubes were the problem with the last failed cycles... I kind of hope they were so we can move on and maybe have one work now.

One funny thing that happened... we were in my recovery room when my old RE popped in (I have not told him that we switched docs... he probably just thought we were on a break).  I was groggy so it took me a min to understand who he was... he wanted to know what we were doing there... he happened to be doing a surgery in that hospital... maybe saw me or my name on the surgery board... I was speechless, so was C... we just stared at the guy and finally I said I was out of it and apologized for being groggy.  He politely left.  It was so awkward... like I got caught cheating on my boyfriend or something.  I really like the old RE, so I'm going to write or call and let him know what's going on... it was just so weird... ah, my infertility soap opera....