I've been avoiding writing the past couple weeks.

So... my last entry was at 18 weeks, after my anatomy scan.  Talking about how good I felt to have passed the major milestones... that Fri. I got a call that my 1st/2nd trimester screening came back as high risk for Downs Syndrome.  1 in 94.  If any friend told me those were their odds, I'd tell them not to worry.  C pointed out that if we were given those odds before we did IVF, we'd still do it.

Those are pretty good odds.  But it felt like the rug was pulled out form under me.  I just felt like we were so used to being on the shitty side of the fertility odds... what if we were that 1 in 94?

My OB treated it very seriously.  And urgently.  The unspoken urgency was because I was far enough along that if I did amnio and found out the baby did have Downs, and we decided to terminate, that we still have time to do so.  At first I said to her that I wasn't too worried because my NT and anatomy scan looked good.  She said that didn't necessarily mean we would be okay.  She advised me to get the same perinatologist who did the anatomy scan on the phone and that if I couldn't get a hold of him that she would call in a special favor and make sure i got to talk to him that same afternoon.

We got an appt set for Monday morning and spent the weekend terrified.  We kept telling ourselves we're probably okay... but that didn't take away the fear or fix anything we were feeling.  Fri night I remember staring at my belly that I wished would just disappear, wondering what exactly was growing inside of it -- trying to detach.  C and I tried to talk about what we would do if we found out we had Downs... those were terrible conversations and we didn't have any answers at the end of it.  We decided to not tell anyone so that if we did get bad news, that we could handle it privately... what ever we decided.

We spent the weekend with C's family... trying to avoid baby conversation.  Thinking very dark thoughts.  Crying when I could sneak away to have a moment alone.  We also knew that amnio carried a risk of injury/death to the baby... and though those odds were pretty reasonable (about 1 in 400... probably less at our particular specialist's office)... but we also feared we had a perfectly healthy kid in there but could possibly hurt him through the amnio.  Monday morning we first met with a genetic counselor.   That was hard at the time because we were no nervous.  We met with the peri (Dr. S.).  He did an ultrasound.  He was quiet the whole time.  At the end he said everything looked good -- no Downs markers... but that as much as he wished, he couldn't tell us everything would be okay.  So... we opted for amnio.  After we decided, he said he would have done the same.   As the nurses prepped me they quickly brought over the consent forms to sign away for all the risks involved.  The needle went in and I noticed how stiff my leg muscles were as I tried not to flinch.  I was so scared I would cramp up from that while the needle was in me.  Both C and I were freaked out watching the amniotic fluid fill up the syringes... that something that should be undisturbed was being pumped out be a needle that was right next to this kid.

I spent the next two days at home... trying to rest... there are a bunch of symptoms you're supposed to look for to call the doc immediately so I was trying not to be a hypochondriac about it.  A day into the home-rest I got a call that preliminary results came in that we had the right amount of chromosomes.  We'd know in 7-10 days what the official results were.  It was comforting, but I didn't let my guard down until yesterday when we got the call that everything was OKAY.

Until then I thought a million dark thoughts... what would it be like for Feb to come and we don't have a baby, what if this past ivf cycle was a fluke and we can't ever get pregnant again, what would it be like to terminate a pregnancy this far along, how horrible would the grief be, how much guilt I'd have...what would a life time raising a Downs kid be like, what would this kid's future siblings have to do to take care of him when we die... we were not ready to make such a huge choice if we had to... I am so, so lucky that didn't happen.

Before I got the good news, I imagined the tears that would come with that happy phone call... telling us our child would be healthy... I still haven't totally let it sink in.  I definitely feel a huge weight has been lifted.  I am back to feeling happy and optimistic about what ever is to come... but I know it hasn't hit me yet.

This scare was horrible... but it has made any other concerns about this kid/my pregnancy/our future feel tiny.  I don't care what this kid turns out to be like... I'm just glad that he'll have a shot at a healthy, happy, normal life.

18 weeks

I felt my first movement today. Pretty cool. Lots of major mile stones passed this week. Anatomy scan, people can actually tell that I'm preg. Now some fluttery kicky stuff. Yee-haw.

all good

The anatomy scan looked great. I have to go back in a couple weeks since my OB sent us in in so early, there will be even more to check out in a month.  The first thing the doc said today was "you're definitely having a boy."  we have some pics but the little guy's face was smushed into my placenta (yum!) and he was mostly blocked... so hopefully next time we'll get a clear shot.  Today felt like a major milestone to get past and even though we have to go back for a more thorough ultra sound, I feel really good that things are going well.  He also said because of my PCOS (which I may not have according to my last RE, but who knows)... pcos-ers have a 75% chance of having gestational diabetes... so I will have to test early for that.  I have a feeling (not even based on science) that I will probably have it.  I've been cravin ga certain kind of cookies form a little boutique bakery... I will be hunting those down in the next couple weeks in case I wind up having to cut out all that stuff for the rest of my pregnancy.

I just bought bibs.

Weird.  I'm showing more.  Also weird.  Feeling legit as a preggo right now.  I referred to myself as my kid's mom today for the first time.  It actually came out of my mouth as "mommy" but even typing that makes me uncomfortable.  Never referenced myself like that.  It's hard after so much time not thinking like this to let myself do it without it feeling fake or like a jinx.  But I'm coming around a bit.  I have my anatomy scan on Monday so that will either cement this feeling or shake things up.  

Yesterday I watched the documentary Babies.  When it came out I avoided seeing it.  Or even hearing about it.  It sounded like torture being mid IF.  But yesterday I watched it... routing for the third world babies not to choke on stuff.   That was the point of it, right?

I'm going with my lil sis tomorrow to try on bridesmaids dresses.  Should be sexy with my current physical shape.  Tomorrow I'm 17wks5days.

shouldn't I be sleeping?

I keep hearing that this is the time to sleep since that whole "rested" thing will stop when this kid is born for a long, long time.  Why then does my body decide to wake up at 5 am on a holiday weekend?  When I walked into the living room, my cats looked "caught."  Like they were not ready for me to be out there... still had stuff to do.  

Yesterday I cleaned out my bedroom off all the clothes I can't fit into.  I have about ten things hanging in my closet and some mostly empty drawers.  It was too cramped with everything in there.  I separated my stuff into two boxes.  One for soon after the kid is born.  And one for what I hope isn't toooooo long after.  It's my clothes from last year.  Even most of my work out clothes are too tight.

Lately I've been having nausea probs.  If I don't eat every couple hours i get sick.  C suggested I set my timer on my phone to go off so I remember to eat so feeling pukey isn't my signal.  It's been helping.  Still... I will be thrilled when this goes away.

I noticed yesterday that what was a faint line on my belly (that stripey thing pregs get) is now way darker. Despite all the other changes in my body, I saw that and thought "Hey!  I'm pregnant."  Like the stripe makes it official.

Things are good.  I came really close to throwing up at work today.  The week has been a little stressful... better now but I really need to actively decompress.  The past couple nights I feel so antsy even though I'm exhausted.  I noticed something cool today in the shower... my scars from my lap surgery last Dec. used to be reminders of bad stuff I was dealing with.  Now they just sit off to the side and under my belly, and a little one inside my belly button which is getting more prominent now that my stomach is expanding.  It's just nice to know all the work led to something.  I also received my first onesies at work today.  I got excited when I saw them.  Nice to not have negative reactions to adorable things.