big adjustments

Saw my perinatologist today.  First something cute before the crappy stuff: during the ultrasound I had my head resting on my elbow, arm behind my head.  When the tech found the baby, he was in the same position.  I've never felt more like "that's my kid in there."

Then the doc did a vag u/s to check my cervix.  At first it looked good, but just like on Friday's, when he applied pressure it shortened to 2.3 and the funneling got worse.

I'm not allowed to work full time anymore.  I am not allowed to fly to the east coast for Thanksgiving (so, so, so upset about this.  It's my favorite holiday, I get to see my entire family, my mom had a shower planned that will now be cancelled, my sister scheduled her wedding dress fitting to I could be there along with my grandma and aunt, we had fun stuff planned for my mom's b-day, spending qt with fam and friends I rarely get to see... being around them when I was really looking pregnant... I already had my "what I'm thankful for" speech (we go around the table each year) al planned out...)

It felt too good to be true to get to have this time with my family and friends... and it was.  This is one of those times it is really hard to not live near family.

But I know that's not as important as the baby's health.  Not as important as keeping him in there for as long as possible.  I'm 25 weeks tomorrow.  It's way too early for him.  I'll do whatever it takes.  Just still absorbing what is going on.

I asked if my situation could improve and was told absolutely not, it can only worsen.

I asked if there was any way I could drive to San Fran for Christmas and doc said he'd be happy if I was still pregnant at Christmas.

And to think I wasted any breath on whether I wanted him born on or around Valentine's Day... seems ridiculous now.

awake

I got up at 5 today.  I feel calmer than I did last night.  Of course, I spun for a little while about what this whole cervix thing means for the future.  Will this happen with each pregnancy?  I had to put in 3 embryos just to have one take... what if 2 take next time?  Can I carry twins to term?  But on a slightly less insane note... mostly I'm feeling anxious, but okay.  My cervix isn't total shit, it's just feisty.  Maybe I can get to 30 weeks.  Or even past that.  I bet I'll know more as time passes... as my cervix behaves or not.  

I was watching an old episode of Six Feet Under last night (yes, I get my parenting advice from fictional tv characters) and Nate was talking about being a dad and how he ignores the fear of what could happen by recognizing there are things that are out of his hands.

Deep?  No.  But I'm using it.  I can't do anything but follow doc's orders and make smart choices to stay off my feet when I can.  I don't need to panic.  Will I worry?  Yes.  Will I go on blogs of people who had their kids early and feel nervous that other people's "early" is still a month away for me?  Yes.  Will I be celebrating each week a little harder than I was before?  Yep.

But I hear this whole having kids thing is just the start of being constantly worried... so I have to learn to minimize it or I'm just going to be paralyzed for the next few decades.

at 24 weeks 3 days

You may think I make up medical issues for negative attention.  I would if I read this blog.  There's always something for me to whine about.  When I write positive entries, I feel like i'm jinxing myself because something always comes up soon after...

Well, it has once again.

I had a doc appt today.  It was just a precautionary ultra sound.  The tech said my cervix looked great, but as she watched it, it slowly revealed that it is short (not good) and funneling (also not good).  I saw a different doc today than my normal lady.  He walked in the room and I was already crying.  He suggested I take it easy... I told him other than light walks, occasional pre natal yoga and running errands, I already take it easy.  he suggested I stop working.  I couldn't believe it.  I feel so far away.  I explained how sedentary my job is and he said if it freaked me out to stop, then just to try it and eliminate anything at all active.  C explained to me that I'm in a grey area where maybe everything will be fine, maybe not.  We just have to monitor me.  The doc today said to call if I have bleeding or contractions.  WTF?!  That sounds crazy to me.  Now I'm hoping to just keep this baby in as long as possible...  I'm terrified of what might happen if he comes too early.  I have an appt with my perinatologist on Mon.  C and I trust him.  If he says to go on bedrest, I will.  If not, I'll keep doing what the other doc said.

Then on the less important side, I'm thinking about all the things I wanted to get to do before he's born.  I've been desperately looking forward to my trip home for Thanksgiving to see my family, see my sister's wedding dress fitting, celebrate my mom's birthday and have my shower where I'd get to see my friends/family I never get to see... oh yeah, and get to celebrate this pregnancy that took so long to achieve...  then there's the birth classes... the LA shower I was looking forward to... enjoying Christmas, maybe a baby moon...

Maybe none of that.  In the grand scheme of this pregnancy, who cares... but I'm just tired of "dealing."  It's been several years of medical worry, of worrying for our future family... of fear, stress and dissappointment.  I feel worn down.  And now scared once again.

it's week...

Feels like a big deal.  As each week goes by now... I could have an actual baby.  Of course, I don't want him out anytime soon, and if it happened anytime in the next chunk of weeks... there would be a huge chance of health issues if he survived... but he'd actually have a chance of surviving....

It's really sinking in that there will most likely be a baby at the end of this pregnancy.  I'm starting to think in "whens" instead of "ifs."

those are 2 baby feet hanging out...

The one foot is clearer, but it's actually two sitting there together.

I had another anatomy scan on Friday. Everything looks good.  The latest preggo issue (though nothing feels like a big deal after the Downs scare)... the latest issue is I have Gestational Diabetes.  Barely.  But I have it... I should be able to control it with diet and exercise.   So no cliched ice cream pregnancy for me.  At least at the end of it I'll be in better shape.  I was gaining weight pretty fast last month, so this will slow me down.

I watched BFF do this so I know it's possible... I just don't have the hang of it yet.  My first question for the nutritionist is: will I be able to break the diet on Thanksgiving?  There's something about not being able to eat stuff I love at Thanksgiving that feels sad to me.

I have to learn to not have any emotions about what I'm eating.  Friday at work there were a ton of treats (including a variety of gourmet bread puddings) that I stayed away from, and though I had a few minutes of wishing I could have some... it passed.  Right now I'd LOVE some dessert... not happening.  But it's a lot easier to say no to things when it's a matter of the baby's health.

Also, I've been feeling movement.  It's very subtle, and only when I'm lying down... but I feel it.  Can't wait for it to be strong enough for C to feel it, too.

Bottom line... right now I feel so excited that this is really happening.  I still can't believe we're pregnant. I feel insanely lucky.  I don't care that much about having to deal with GD.  I'm just very excited. Time is passing quickly and I think Feb will be here before we know it.

forced "me" time

I'm stuck at home waiting for  a new mattress delivery (please please please let this be the end of waking up from my hips feeling sore and I need to flip sides... like those bed-bound super obese people -- hope I don't get any sores)...  Anyway, my first instinct was to get up and turn on the tv which would lead to at least an hour delay on my day starting...

Well, I can't find the remote.  I tossed the couch.  I looked all over the house in case C maybe absent mindedly left it somewhere.  I had a few seconds of panic.  I called C who is at work and left a VM. Debated paging him (something reserved for emergencies)... but then decided it's  a sign.  I've been so busy on the weekends...  I decided to take advantage of this quiet time to clean a little, then sit down with Pandora and get more online baby research stuff done.  Maybe do a little black boot shopping.

So far... it's awesome.

I'm feeling great right now.  Almost 22 weeks.  I haven't felt much if any movement but I'll wait a few more weeks before I get concerned.  Right now I just feel antsy waiting for that to happen.  But all is well.

My vivid pregnancy dreams have turned a little nightmarish this week.  One night I dreamt my sister died and I held her in my arms saying goodbye while she bled out.... one night I dreamed I lost the baby and was insanely angry at everyone I came across... last night I dreamt a girl I barely know from high school (but I know from facebook is about the same amount preg as I am) I dreamt she lost her baby and I was trying to find a way to comfort her.  Not awesome.  Maybe the new mattress will fix these.  Am I putting to much in the new mattress basket?

back to happy stuff

I've been up since 4am.  The extra time has been nice.  My biggest stress today is deciding which baby errands we'll have time to run and in what order should we do them.

Love it.