small talk

My favorite neighborhood Thai place is run by a very sweet woman.  We've had honest conversations in the past about ivf because she sneaks in private questions in our chit chat and I always answer her honestly... kind of to show her how personal her questions are.  Like once when she asked how much ivf costs, I told her.  So since L was born, our chit chat is usually pretty light.. how's the baby, how's work?  Pleasant.  But today when she threw in one of her classics "when are you going to have another?" I said we're trying.  No smile on my face to make her feel better.  Lately I've been really blunt when people ask about it.  I just feel like it's not my job to make other people feel more comfortable during ivf talk.  I'm the one living it... it's not my job to put in extra effort to sugar coat shit.  So when she asked if we were going to try all "the stuff we used to do" (ivf) I told her we already did and it didn't work.  She looked genuinely sad.  I gave her a little smile.  I actually love my random honest, personal relationship with the Thai lady who knows me by my order even though I order different stuff each time.  But look out, anyone who tries to sneak personal questions into our small talk... cause you're gonna hear what's really going on.

2nd beta in

Officially over.  I can stop my meds... nothing more depressing than getting progesterone shots for nothing.  Now we can start the ritual: sushi, alcohol, going and doing all the things I thought I might have to put off for 9 months... I am going to plant my ceremonial herb and veggie garden that happens when a cycle fails in the spring... I'm going to go back to spin class.  Get a dumb gel manicure.  Clean kitty litter!

Though this weekend was HARD, I'm feeling better.  Haven't cried over this that much... a bunch Saturday.  Maybe once yesterday.  Today: nothin'.  I think it helped that I had the morning with the kid and he's back to saying "Mama" and putting his arms around my neck.  He smushes his face into mine... he has a cold and the subsequent booger fountain that comes with it... but I don't care.  I'm just happy to have him showing me some love after the shit storm of post-ivf/ohss distance between us.

This is going to sound strange... but our old failed cycle ritual involved going out of town last minute, just driving wherever, doing whatever... trying to spoil ourselves.  It never fixed anything... but it was something to do together to mourn.  This weekend was confusing. We're lucky enough to have a kid, but he was sick, needy, cranky, sleep deprived from his cold... and we couldn't just do whatever.  We tried going to the aquarium (take that, failed cycle -- blissful family fun!).  But it wasn't.  The kid was cranky, the aquarium crowds were crazy.  We maybe stayed for an hour and left.  We walked around the marina and I cried.  Nothing about the day was fixing anything.  It was a hard day.  We were sad.  We thought about just spontaneously going somewhere for the night but we didn't have the kid's overnight stuff with us... plus the reality of it was it would just be work to bring him.  Didn't know how to get a last minute babysitter for a sick kid at 3pm.  So we went home.  Again, I know I'm INSANELY lucky to be a mom... but it just meant the sting of the cycle failing was just sitting there.  On us.  Real life had to keep going.  We're parents.  Lucky to be... but in this particular situation it was complicated.

My WTF appt. is Thursday.  I'm guessing he's going to say to do everything the same.  I think if he wanted to try something very different I'd be scared.  I don't want to have to rediscover another thing that works for me... that could mean extra cycles of figuring that magical potion out.

Another part of my post cycle ritual is hating my post cycle/ohss body.  Feeling gross from being sick, from not working out, from eating weird shit.  I'm trying to just start taking control of that stuff back without being so hard on myself.  What's weird is when I look in the mirror I'm not that upset.  But I know I'm 35 lbs heavier than I should be... I imagine.  Haven't stepped on a scale in 6 weeks.  It really isn't fair that you not only don't get pregnant but you're left feeling gross about your failed-cycle-body.  I feel like I've whined about that about 20 times... maybe cause I've had about 20 failed/cancelled cycles.  I'm actually not sure what the exact number is.  I'm nervous to do the math on it cause it'll be depressing and I'm trying to not wallow in all this.

Negative

I tried to get my head ready for it just in case.  Still doesn't prepare you.  First, let me whine:

I can't believe we have to start over.  That we have NOTHING frozen.  That we have to cycle, I have to get OHSS just for a chance.  I can't believe how much thought went into something with ZERO results.  How much money and time and physical strain.  How many OTHER people had to help -- for nothing.  How I've been a shitty mom to our 16 monther the past few weeks because I couldn't physically deal.  How he now reaches for his dad when he's upset.  How much planning was for nothing.  How much talk and hope went into something when we got NOTHING out of it.  How there are a ton of shitty, shitty people in the world who never have to deal with this.  How I thought this may have actually been the end of our ivf journey... but instead it has to happen ALL OVER AGAIN.

Okay.  now let me spin the positives:

I'm lucky that other than IF, my family and I are healthy.  My husband is great.  My kid is great... and oh yeah, holy shit we have a kid!  We know I CAN get pregnant.  We are lucky that we can afford this IVF journey.  We have a great support network.  We know there are some advantages to having kid #1 get a little older before kid #2 is born so it's a little easier of a transition for him.  I know the only way to be successful with ivf is to keep trying... and even if each cycle only gives us one shot -- at least we get that shot... a real shot.  I really do believe one of these times will work.  And though it might take a few more tries... It's likely that if we do this once or twice more it will work.

I believe that last paragraph but it's going to take a while before I feel that it's true.

On the eve of my first beta

Just read this and I appreciate both how simply and well put his points are and also that it's written by a man:

http://www.stevewiens.com/2013/03/26/ten-words-that-describe-infertility/

so dumb

Until today, I was not feeling hopeful.  My body is still coming off OHSS and it can take a couple weeks to get back to normal.  So after a full morning of stuff -- I couldn't keep my eyes open and I crashed for an hour.  Woke up to my alarm and really had trouble getting up.  My appetite is now back (because it went away during OHSS).  I logically know my body is so jacked up from the actual cycle that it is 100% a waste of time to read into anything.  But there was definitely a shift where now I'm feeling more eager for my beta.  Great.