Monday, April 8, 2013

2nd beta in

Officially over.  I can stop my meds... nothing more depressing than getting progesterone shots for nothing.  Now we can start the ritual: sushi, alcohol, going and doing all the things I thought I might have to put off for 9 months... I am going to plant my ceremonial herb and veggie garden that happens when a cycle fails in the spring... I'm going to go back to spin class.  Get a dumb gel manicure.  Clean kitty litter!

Though this weekend was HARD, I'm feeling better.  Haven't cried over this that much... a bunch Saturday.  Maybe once yesterday.  Today: nothin'.  I think it helped that I had the morning with the kid and he's back to saying "Mama" and putting his arms around my neck.  He smushes his face into mine... he has a cold and the subsequent booger fountain that comes with it... but I don't care.  I'm just happy to have him showing me some love after the shit storm of post-ivf/ohss distance between us.

This is going to sound strange... but our old failed cycle ritual involved going out of town last minute, just driving wherever, doing whatever... trying to spoil ourselves.  It never fixed anything... but it was something to do together to mourn.  This weekend was confusing. We're lucky enough to have a kid, but he was sick, needy, cranky, sleep deprived from his cold... and we couldn't just do whatever.  We tried going to the aquarium (take that, failed cycle -- blissful family fun!).  But it wasn't.  The kid was cranky, the aquarium crowds were crazy.  We maybe stayed for an hour and left.  We walked around the marina and I cried.  Nothing about the day was fixing anything.  It was a hard day.  We were sad.  We thought about just spontaneously going somewhere for the night but we didn't have the kid's overnight stuff with us... plus the reality of it was it would just be work to bring him.  Didn't know how to get a last minute babysitter for a sick kid at 3pm.  So we went home.  Again, I know I'm INSANELY lucky to be a mom... but it just meant the sting of the cycle failing was just sitting there.  On us.  Real life had to keep going.  We're parents.  Lucky to be... but in this particular situation it was complicated.

My WTF appt. is Thursday.  I'm guessing he's going to say to do everything the same.  I think if he wanted to try something very different I'd be scared.  I don't want to have to rediscover another thing that works for me... that could mean extra cycles of figuring that magical potion out.

Another part of my post cycle ritual is hating my post cycle/ohss body.  Feeling gross from being sick, from not working out, from eating weird shit.  I'm trying to just start taking control of that stuff back without being so hard on myself.  What's weird is when I look in the mirror I'm not that upset.  But I know I'm 35 lbs heavier than I should be... I imagine.  Haven't stepped on a scale in 6 weeks.  It really isn't fair that you not only don't get pregnant but you're left feeling gross about your failed-cycle-body.  I feel like I've whined about that about 20 times... maybe cause I've had about 20 failed/cancelled cycles.  I'm actually not sure what the exact number is.  I'm nervous to do the math on it cause it'll be depressing and I'm trying to not wallow in all this.

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