Friday, April 5, 2013


I tried to get my head ready for it just in case.  Still doesn't prepare you.  First, let me whine:

I can't believe we have to start over.  That we have NOTHING frozen.  That we have to cycle, I have to get OHSS just for a chance.  I can't believe how much thought went into something with ZERO results.  How much money and time and physical strain.  How many OTHER people had to help -- for nothing.  How I've been a shitty mom to our 16 monther the past few weeks because I couldn't physically deal.  How he now reaches for his dad when he's upset.  How much planning was for nothing.  How much talk and hope went into something when we got NOTHING out of it.  How there are a ton of shitty, shitty people in the world who never have to deal with this.  How I thought this may have actually been the end of our ivf journey... but instead it has to happen ALL OVER AGAIN.

Okay.  now let me spin the positives:

I'm lucky that other than IF, my family and I are healthy.  My husband is great.  My kid is great... and oh yeah, holy shit we have a kid!  We know I CAN get pregnant.  We are lucky that we can afford this IVF journey.  We have a great support network.  We know there are some advantages to having kid #1 get a little older before kid #2 is born so it's a little easier of a transition for him.  I know the only way to be successful with ivf is to keep trying... and even if each cycle only gives us one shot -- at least we get that shot... a real shot.  I really do believe one of these times will work.  And though it might take a few more tries... It's likely that if we do this once or twice more it will work.

I believe that last paragraph but it's going to take a while before I feel that it's true.


  1. I'm sorry you have to go through all of this. It's hard. One day, it will be worth if!