Boo.

It's Halloween.  I was dreading having to answer the door to trick or treaters tonight.  But none came so far.  There are kids on my street... maybe there's some infertile stink coming from my house.  My BFF who went through ivf and is now weeks/days away from her first kids said she looked back on her blog during all those struggles and how depressing it was.  And that's where I am... blogging about the big fat suck of IF.  I guess someday I'll be past this... either with bio kids or adopted... but right now it feels so permanent.

On a whim I called a fertility doc I'd read about who is local and I went in with C for a consultation.  We really liked him.  He had some ideas on what steps he'd take to get me to a frozen transfer.  He was concerned about my HSG xrays and might want to do a laproscopy to peek in at m'tubes and correct any blockage in case it's causing crap to back up into my uterus and interfere with implantation.  New RE excited us, made us feel hopeful... like i'm not a medical mystery... but it could just be shiny and new.... he might look at my medical records and realize that his ideas/theories/plans don't apply to me.  He could ultimately let us down... but right now we like that he wants to simplify my meds and take action.

I know we should get more opinions, but we really like this new guy and feel ready to start up with the legwork that will gets us towards being ready to try cycling soonish, or get the lap done.

I feel like there have been a lot of moments where I had to chose between some invasive diagnostic mystery solver procedure or moving forward... feels like this choice keeps happening.

Okay, as I'm typing my bitter fertility blog, we got our one trick or treater.  C went to the door... just hearing their little voices got me tearing up.  Don't they know not to be all cute in earshot while I'm mid-venting?  All primed to feel...

Anyway.. I'm jealous of Bff's barely written on blog... because she's not writing because there's nothing more to say.  She did it.  She's out of it.  When I don't write lately, it's because I'm avoiding it because I'm avoiding thinking/feel about something incredibly sucky.

the get-a-way

C and I had our wedding anniversary get away since our original one was cancelled because of our transfer date... and then our anniversary went totally uncelebrated because of the OHSS thang...so we went to Palm Springs (to a hotel where there wouldn't be as many kids).  The first thing that happened is the hotel front desk girl asked if we were the parents of some grown assed high school kids in the lobby.  I have never been mistaken for being older, let alone 10+ years older than I am.  I laughed and the girl explained: she herself is twenty and the one year old in the lobby is hers... so we could technically still be the parents of the other kids.  I told her even with her math, that's crazy.  I'd have to have had them when I was 14... which I guess is possible, but weird to say to someone.  I hope that dumb girl and her baby had a shitty weekend.

Our weekend away was much needed and pretty relaxing... though I'm at the beginning of trying to lose my weight from the past six months... and in all the iF struggles, food has been a comfort, so letting go of that has been hard so far.  I'm so out of shape and resentful of the physical and emotional shitstorm of IF that pushed a girl who normally has to work hard to not gain weight to gain ten-15 pounds.  Yes, some people go through this and don't gain weight... but that is not me.  The weight is a daily reminder that not only did IVF drain my wallet, my spirit and my sanity... but it has left me pudgy and still not pregnant.  So I'm trying to exercise again... I know I should be anyway.  I'm trying a food delivery service during the week since lately finding a healthy meal to eat has left me in tears since I have no time to shop and cook... I thought I was eating healthy before, but now adjusting to the portions has reminded me that I really have been overeating.

C has been an awesome husband through out this.  He gets overwhelmed by how sad I get... but I am getting upset less often.  We are having more fun now... as I type he's setting up Guitar Hero.  He also hasn't said one negative word about me splurging on an expensive food delivery service.  He said a ton of nice crap to me when I felt sad in a dressing room after not fitting into any of the clothes... he's always telling me how good I look.  He's really been taking good care of me.  If I have to be going trough all this fertility stuff, I'm happy to be going through it with him.

the break so far....

Well, I'm happy to not be running to doc appts.  Happy to only have a few pills to take every day.  Happy to not be spending money left and right on medical crap.  I don't really have any free time to sit around feeling bad... so that's not a huge issue... a few break downs here and there.  Standard IF stuff... I feel sad under everything, but I'm hoping in time that will go away  I have some issues out in public when I see kids.  I feel uncomfortable and upset.  Awesome.  It's depressing to not be looking forward to some fertility hope.  I guess I have long term hope... like in a few years this will be over because we'll have moved on to adoption at some point.  I know I need this time to get myself back, rested... somehow calm enough that I can get pregnant... but don't women in war zones get knocked up?  Teen moms have to worry about homework and soccer matches and PSats... shouldn't I be able to get knocked up even if I'm stressed out?  I think this last attempt killed some last kernel of enthusiasm towards this process, so maybe next time I try I will be less excitable and it will work.

One good thing: I found a massage place that is only $45/hr and really good... so I think I will start going there whenever I have the time (so... twice a month).  I'll lump it in with all of my ivf costs :)

my new routine...

Lately my days start with getting ready for work...I'm fine.  Car ride to work... fine.  Get to work... then it takes about an hour or two to get past this overwhelming feeling of sadness.  Like people are talking and laughing around me and I can't connect.  I don't care about what they're talking about.  I think about leaving the room, but don't.  Then at some point, I click on and can be a part of the day... then lunch gets a little sad because real life stuff happens and it reminds me.  Then I go back to my day, and the hours pass quickly.  My drive home is long, but I don't get upset.  Then I get home to the comfort of my house and C and I get really upset... it's the only time I can let myself and it's unavoidable.  I'm learning to turn it off pretty quickly.  I have to.  I do it through out my work day, I do it when I get home... I'm constantly stopping myself so I can just get on with my day.  Or eat dinner.  Or just be around my husband without needing him to take care of me.  I'm in a bad place, one I've heard people talk about and thought, : wow, they sound so bitter... but I'm there.  I HATE being around kids right now.  I hate hearing about kids.  It's ALWAYS hard now.  I don't want to be this person, but I am.  For now.  I hope I can get back to some zen place where it's at least tolerable.

I'm hoping it's because I'm just fresh off a failed cycle and that this level of upset fades.  I cried through my whole WTF appt with my RE and he was very concerned about my stress level... concerned for me and for future cycles... he asked what I'm doing to de-stress and my answer is nothing.  So I'm actively trying to figure out a plan.  C scheduled yoga and breakfast out on Sunday.  He's trying to fill my free time with things that will help.  I am going to try and exercise.... I don't know when, but I need to.  I know this stuff won't fix me, but I need to get to a place where I am not crying every time I'm comfortable.

Life goes on...

So, C and I had a rough start to the weekend.  But I think we just needed some time together to digest all of this, and to just be together.  Part of all the injections, and then the OHSS was me being in my own world, we were just surviving, and I didn't want to be touched... So we were really just getting through the days.  Now we can hug... we went out past midnight on Sat.  We even picked up a new laptop to replace the gatorade massacre of 2010.  Things are slowly getting better... we definitely gave quite a few families doing cute family stuff the stink eye.  But we're already talking about what's next, figuring out how much of a break we might need.  Slowly moving on...

Over

Well, this cycle is officially a bust.  BFN.  I knew Wed. morning from a home test, but today made it official.  Now we don't know what to do next.  I know I need a break.  Don't know for how long.  Don't know if I should stay with my RE.  Don't know nothing.  C and I are sad.

It's been a long time trying, but 6 full months of cycling.  Only 2 real tries where I could've gotten pregnant.  I just need some time where I don't have to manage it.  I'm sure I will still think about it everyday... but I just can't deal with the other layers that cycling adds to life right now.

Sometime next week we'll have our WTF appt.  I don't know what he'll say differently.  I hope he has some plan that's so amazing I just stay at that office... but if not, we start researching other REs... eventually.

I'm exhausted.  C's exhausted... oh, and during my ten days of only drinking Gatorade for the OHSS... I spilled a giant thing of purple Gatorade on my laptop and it died. One more issue I'm attributing to IF.  So we can add our new laptop cost to our total IF cost... whatever that is now.  I might need to try a shooting range or something.  Or I could start working out again so I don't look pregnant wh  ile people who sort of know me are trying to figure it out.

Everything else beside IF is going well... and i hope our break lets up enjoy some of that.