Friday, October 8, 2010

my new routine...

Lately my days start with getting ready for work...I'm fine.  Car ride to work... fine.  Get to work... then it takes about an hour or two to get past this overwhelming feeling of sadness.  Like people are talking and laughing around me and I can't connect.  I don't care about what they're talking about.  I think about leaving the room, but don't.  Then at some point, I click on and can be a part of the day... then lunch gets a little sad because real life stuff happens and it reminds me.  Then I go back to my day, and the hours pass quickly.  My drive home is long, but I don't get upset.  Then I get home to the comfort of my house and C and I get really upset... it's the only time I can let myself and it's unavoidable.  I'm learning to turn it off pretty quickly.  I have to.  I do it through out my work day, I do it when I get home... I'm constantly stopping myself so I can just get on with my day.  Or eat dinner.  Or just be around my husband without needing him to take care of me.  I'm in a bad place, one I've heard people talk about and thought, : wow, they sound so bitter... but I'm there.  I HATE being around kids right now.  I hate hearing about kids.  It's ALWAYS hard now.  I don't want to be this person, but I am.  For now.  I hope I can get back to some zen place where it's at least tolerable.

I'm hoping it's because I'm just fresh off a failed cycle and that this level of upset fades.  I cried through my whole WTF appt with my RE and he was very concerned about my stress level... concerned for me and for future cycles... he asked what I'm doing to de-stress and my answer is nothing.  So I'm actively trying to figure out a plan.  C scheduled yoga and breakfast out on Sunday.  He's trying to fill my free time with things that will help.  I am going to try and exercise.... I don't know when, but I need to.  I know this stuff won't fix me, but I need to get to a place where I am not crying every time I'm comfortable.


  1. i hope the pain starts to subside soon. hugs.

  2. I just found your blog. I'm somewhat new to IF, TTC for almost 2 years, one IUI last week (currently in 2WW period). Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for sharing. So nice to be able to read about someone else's feelings being so similar to mine.