a family tradition

I'm feeling okay.  Had fun last night.  I was distracted... only thought about the c/p stuff a handful of times.  It was a good night.  A good morning.  And I just went shopping for treats for C and I to eat for dinner full of stuff I couldn't eat if I was still technically pregnant (including mysteriously labeled blue cheese).  A little something we do every two months or so when we have a disappointment in the baby making department.

Now I'm waiting to get my period (feels gross typing that word next to a giant pic of blue cheese -- sorry).  But hopefully we can get back on the scientific-baby-making-train as soon as that happens.  These 3 months I have off I plan on doing an ivf sprint and hopefully it will work before I go back to my job.

Tomorrow I'm researching acupuncturists, maybe getting a trainer to lose some of my no-baby weight, yoga classes, and anything else i can think of to make these focused ivf months as relaxing as possible.

better in the morning

so... I'm starting to digest my week.  here is a summary of events from Mon-Fri:

thinking I had another BFN

someone  confusing me for BFF and congratulating me on my new baby in front of a bunch of people

hearing the last of my friends who were also trying to get pregnant got pregnant

working crazy hours during last week of work before a couple months off

finding out I was pregnant

finding out my credit/debit cards were stolen out of my office

finding out I was miscarrying (weird to even type that -- feels like rounding up dramatically but chem pregs are very early miscarriages)

later that day finding out a huge career goal is happening

current job coming to an end until June

husband out of town for work so no time to be together after hearing preg is over

This was just one week.  Lots of different emotions.  The sun is out now.  I have time in front of me to breathe, heal and move forward.

eventful week

Last weekend I started feeling incredibly anxious.  I had to work Sunday night and spent the day with C trying to take my mind off the looming beta test.  We went to the beach, walked around.  I felt crazy.  Anxious.  Depressed.  Scared for what was to come.  As he drove me to work, we had an extra half hour so we broke down, went to CVS and bought pee sticks.  When I asked to use the bathroom, the clerk looked at us like "cute kids, excited to see if they're preggo."  She had no idea what was behind it.  We locked ourselves in the dirty bathroom and took a test.  Negative.  Then he took me to work where I choked back the deep, deep upset.  We wondered maybe since it wasn't my 1st morning pee if there was a chance it was wrong, so we took a test Monday morning before work, a day before my beta knowing if was neg, then we were done.  It was negative.  Spent Monday at work, trying not to think about it, trying not to cry.  Tues, went in for beta and waited all day for the call.  By six I still hadn't heard so I called my RE so I could start drinking angry wine (post bfn symbolic booze).

He told me my beta was 19.  Low, but I was pregnant.  It didn't show up on the tests because of how low it was.  he said we'd test again 48 hours later to see if it doubled.

I was in shock.  I felt joy.  Like I got a taste of how depressed I was about to be and then it was taken away.  We might be out of this.  I knew it was early so I decided not to post on my blog since my mom and sister read it and didn't want them to hear that way.  we decided to make sure to wait until Thursday's beta doubled, before really telling anyone (in normal world, we would never tell anyone that early, but it felt like such a victory since my family is following every doc appt along with me.)

I went to me RE's office and the receptionist congratulated me. She'd heard about my 19.  I teared up.  Strangers congratulating me made it feel real-ish.  I got the call in the afternoon that my beta was 18.  No doubling.  No growing.  Moving backwards.  Over.  Chemical pregnancy.

I'm sad.  But I was so sure it wasn't a success at all... so the fact that I got pregnant for the first time... the fact that I got pregnant the first try after my lap -- so my first real chance it worked. (btw - fuck my first 2 REs for not catching my tube/lining problems).

So... I was pregnant for a day.  And now it's gone.  But it gave me the hope that I needed to move forward.  As long as I don't have some rare implantation issue or immune issue that will mess up the next couple cycles until we figure that out... I believe I can really get pregnant.

If you're reading this feeling like I'm 100% optimistic... don't be fooled.  As I typed that positive stuff I got really angry that something like a chemical pregnancy is a huge victory for me.  It's super fucked up what I have to do do have kids.  It's also fucked up that if I didn't have money to do it... I'd never get a shot at all.  To be infertile is a special kind of hell... I can't imagine what it must be like to be infertile with no options.  Oh, and my therapist doesn't think I should use that term.  I think it means infertile without medical help, so I'm using it.

I feel insane

And like a cliche.  The 2 week wait is when everyone goes crazy.  I'm not special.  I don't even have to wait a full two weeks.  I'll know Tuesday.  I can't enjoy anything right now.  I just want the time to pass so I can know.  I'm not testing ahead of time because that is its own form of torture.  I know life will go on if it's negative... but right now life is not moving.

How Friday Night Lights made me feel better about this cycle

I watched the finale of FNL last weekend.  It was awesome.  Seeing 18-20 year olds with that fear and excitement of wondering where their life is going (yes, they aren't real, it's tv, whatever) it reminded me of me at that age.  Wondering who I'd be as an adult, what job I'd have, would I ever get married.  I never worried about "would I have kids".  Just figured that happens.  But all those other things... they all worked out.  The other big ones.  I have my dream career.  I not only found someone to marry, but found someone amazing.  Things are good.  We're healthy.  Our families are doing well.  This longing for kids thing... I know in five years we'll have kids.  Either bio or adopted.  But we'll have them.

As I lie here on bedrest, our 2 cats are snuggled up next to each other a foot away.  When we first adopted cat #2, he and cat #1 had to be kept in separate rooms because they'd fight.  C and I dreamed of the day we'd all be able to hang out on the couch together.  That day arrived faster than we thought.  I feel like this fertility thing is like that.  Someday we'll have those kids, and these cats... and we'll all be able to cuddle on our massive couch together.  And these years of infertility will feel far away.

baby on board... sort of

We got to transfer.   It was an emotional day... trying to keep walls up in case something messed it all up.  Feeling excited all morning that nothing did.  Just as I announced to BFF/DH that since we didn't get a call from RE saying there was no problem with the thaw, my cel rang.  The timing was mean... We had one good blast survive, the second one was missing (still don't get what happened but there was a problem somewhere alone the way and it's just plain gone) and the third one was only sort of okay.  So we went ahead and thawed the last of the four.  I barely drank a half liter of water (I was told to drink a liter -- you need a full bladder to help them see where to insert embies) so though I was supposed to be very relaxed, this nervous pee-er felt like I needed to pee... so when I got to RE's office, I did what I now know from these things I'm good at: just peeing a tiny bit... about 4 seconds worth.  Then while we waited to go in they gave me valium.  It was so so so good to be relaxed.  The transfer choreography between my doc and the nurses/embryologist was awkward... new office, maybe I was their first transfer there.  My RE was in control, but there was a lot of "now you do this" and "no, wait, let me do that."  Still, they put the catheter in and then comes the part where the embryologist came back form checking the catheter to make sure all embies were out.  But one wasn't.  So we did it again.  Three were transferred.  One great one, one okay one, and one not great one.  I was given a 50% chance of getting pregnant from this.  When it was done and DH and I were left alone to rest.. DH started playing music on his phone from our wedding for me.  The sun streamed in and lit up just our faces (seriously -- my cheeks are still pink from it)... and that's when it hit me.  We actually got that far.  All the hours and hours ( can't stress enough how much of your life gets consumed with this) of worry/disappointment/determination all resulted in a chance.

Finally a real chance.

So far I feel relaxed and hopeful.  I had one small freak out -- as I was doing my PIO (progesterone shot) routine where I use a heating pad after... I remembered at my other RE's office they said no heating pad after transfer (they meant over ute area for cramps and mine was just on my butt) but still, I got a little worried.  BFF said she used a heating pad for those shots 16 weeks into her pregnancy so I think it's fine... so now all there is to do is take it easy and wait.

morning of.

Getting ready to go to work.  Packing for my afternoon transfer... I feel like once I hear how many embies survived the morning thaw, I can "totally" relax.  The Valium they'll give me before transfer will help with that, too.

As my RE said, "Valentine's Day... what a good day to get pregnant."

FET nesting

We are scheduled for an FET on Monday.  I think the only thing that could get in our way now would be:
All 4 blasts don't survive the thaw
the lab blows up and destroys our embies
we over sleep our alarm clocks by about 7 hours
I'm abducted
there's an earthquake
my RE leaves the country

I'm sure there's more... but I'm feeling like we're in good shape.  This weekend we're relaxing and FET nesting... getting the house ready for bedrest, going grocery shopping, doing laundry.  I'm feeling positive... nervous for what's to come.

so...

Mon I went in and my lining was around an eight... today I went back in after upping some meds and it's 9.2.  I am set to transfer on Valentine's Day.  Fingers crossed I get there.  Tomorrow I need to decide how many to transfer.  I want 2 ideally, but they're frozen in pairs so if only one of the first pairs survives the thaw, we have to choose between 1 and 3.  Both have pros, both cons.  I've been researching stats on it... but it's hard to know where I fall because I almost feel like I'm starting my first IVF since the whole time I was doing all these procedures up to date, I had tubal issues that were probably causing my lining to suck and the other transfers to not work (not to mention the regular reasons they might not have worked...)  So transferring one could mean slim chances, and transferring three could mean three would work. It's a gamble... I'm also wondering what an entire year of meds is doing to my body.  What's my timetable for what  I'm willing to do to my body?  Our savings?  My emotional state?  Fuckin' ivf...

big appt. tomorrow

if my U/S goes well... I will be on my way to a frozen transfer... as long as nothing else messes that up... either way... I need, need, need tomorrow to go well.