Last weekend I started feeling incredibly anxious. I had to work Sunday night and spent the day with C trying to take my mind off the looming beta test. We went to the beach, walked around. I felt crazy. Anxious. Depressed. Scared for what was to come. As he drove me to work, we had an extra half hour so we broke down, went to CVS and bought pee sticks. When I asked to use the bathroom, the clerk looked at us like "cute kids, excited to see if they're preggo." She had no idea what was behind it. We locked ourselves in the dirty bathroom and took a test. Negative. Then he took me to work where I choked back the deep, deep upset. We wondered maybe since it wasn't my 1st morning pee if there was a chance it was wrong, so we took a test Monday morning before work, a day before my beta knowing if was neg, then we were done. It was negative. Spent Monday at work, trying not to think about it, trying not to cry. Tues, went in for beta and waited all day for the call. By six I still hadn't heard so I called my RE so I could start drinking angry wine (post bfn symbolic booze).
He told me my beta was 19. Low, but I was pregnant. It didn't show up on the tests because of how low it was. he said we'd test again 48 hours later to see if it doubled.
I was in shock. I felt joy. Like I got a taste of how depressed I was about to be and then it was taken away. We might be out of this. I knew it was early so I decided not to post on my blog since my mom and sister read it and didn't want them to hear that way. we decided to make sure to wait until Thursday's beta doubled, before really telling anyone (in normal world, we would never tell anyone that early, but it felt like such a victory since my family is following every doc appt along with me.)
I went to me RE's office and the receptionist congratulated me. She'd heard about my 19. I teared up. Strangers congratulating me made it feel real-ish. I got the call in the afternoon that my beta was 18. No doubling. No growing. Moving backwards. Over. Chemical pregnancy.
I'm sad. But I was so sure it wasn't a success at all... so the fact that I got pregnant for the first time... the fact that I got pregnant the first try after my lap -- so my first real chance it worked. (btw - fuck my first 2 REs for not catching my tube/lining problems).
So... I was pregnant for a day. And now it's gone. But it gave me the hope that I needed to move forward. As long as I don't have some rare implantation issue or immune issue that will mess up the next couple cycles until we figure that out... I believe I can really get pregnant.
If you're reading this feeling like I'm 100% optimistic... don't be fooled. As I typed that positive stuff I got really angry that something like a chemical pregnancy is a huge victory for me. It's super fucked up what I have to do do have kids. It's also fucked up that if I didn't have money to do it... I'd never get a shot at all. To be infertile is a special kind of hell... I can't imagine what it must be like to be infertile with no options. Oh, and my therapist doesn't think I should use that term. I think it means infertile without medical help, so I'm using it.