my water broke about 24 hours ago

I've been in the hospital since about 5am Sunday morning.  I'm not in labor yet but getting through the first 48 hours is a big hurdle, then the first week.  I'm hooked up to a monitor, iv, and some leg "braces" that squeeze my legs constantly to prevent blood clots.  We will be here until we deliver, which can be no later than  34 weeks... but chances are we won't get there anyway, just taking it one day at a time.  We were told every day he stays inside me is 3 days less in the NICU.  We were visited by a NICU doc to be told what we're possibly looking at.  That was a scary talk... hopefully everything will be fine.  We're 28 weeks 6  days as of right now.  If he's born soon, we're likely looking at 2 1/2 months of NICU.   If he makes it to 34 we'll still have a month there... so either way, we're having a preemie and there will be a long road ahead.  We're doing pretty well considering.

awake. again.

Fell asleep around 1am.  Woke up to pee around 3.  That was it.  Finally got out of bed around 5... scraped together a GD friendly meal.  I was starving and our fridge is pretty empty to accommodate T-Day leftovers which I couldn't even look at.  My brain isn't quite working so being productive is pretty much out of the question.  So, here I am.  I know today will not be awesome now.  When C wakes up, I will be hitting my insomnia wall and starting to doze off... I'll lose the morning with him.  I'll have to take Benedryl to fall asleep tonight.  I'm trying not to take it too much but pretty much every night without it there's a 75% chance I will not get to sleep more than a few hours.  Part of the problem is around 6:30/7pm I can't keep my eyes open.  So the past few nights I wind up napping a little then... no wonder I'm not sleeping.  Don't know how to get out of this cycle since I'm supposed to be lying down all day.  It's hard to regulate when you sleep when you're always in the position to do so.  Am I particularly cranky?  Yes.  I had a great doc appt on Wed.  My cervix is still at 2cm.  And as relieved as I was to not have the fear of the baby coming in the immediate future, I felt immediate dread and disappointment that I probably have another 6 weeks in this shitty limbo.  I "hope" I do for the baby's sake, but for mine... I don't know what to wish for.

28 weeks tomorrow

Tomorrow is a couple milestones for me: 28 weeks means the baby has a very good chance of surviving with no major health issues if he's born now.  It's also 3rd trimester.  It feels so weird to just be entering 3rd tri since I've been in the mindset of a woman who could go into labor at any second.  I have a hospital bag mostly packed.  C and I have had to think of plans for if I go into labor, plans for if we're in the NICU for a while... plans that normally you don't think about until you're way further along.

All good.  I will find a way to couch-celebrate tomorrow.

stable

My cervix is stable since last week.  Looks like bed rest works.  Today I'm 27 weeks... looks like baby is happy inside for now!

le bed rest continues

It's been a little over 2 weeks since the first cervical check up let me in on what was to come for these last few months.  My friend from home came to visit.  It was so nice to have a couch buddy... had to learn to say yes to things like her making breakfast and doing dishes... not my normal hosting instincts.  She left, I cried... realized true bed rest was about to set in... but one thing that has made it incredibly bearable is skyping into work.  I get hours of quality human contact, I use my brain, I feel some accomplishment when I feel like i'm helping, and my guilt from not being there is shrinking.  Plus, it's good for my bosses to pop in and see that I'm doing all that I can to contribute.

Another thing that is going to help me get through these next months is... Sat. my sister and her fiancee were coming over for lunch.  C went out to get groceries so I answered the door when they knocked.  But they were not alone.  My local cousins, BFF and her fam were there too with presents. I thought "This is my shower!".  My east coast shower was cancelled and I'm not sure how an LA shower will work since it's so hard to schedule with my new restrictions... so I was thrilled to see them and know we were about to have a fun afternoon.  Then there was another knock.  It was my mom who had flown in from PA.  I was incredibly shocked.  The tears came.  I had been feeling so isolated from my family and I felt that I'd been ripped off from those family experiences that come with pregnancy.  My mom got to see me this big, host a shower in my living room, got to give me some family "heirlooms", and this morning she felt the baby kick.  It was huge.  I needed that so much.  I think it'll really help get me through Thanksgiving week when I should've been home with my whole family.

Then today was BFF's daughter's bday.  My one big day out.  I was propped on a couch so I could hang out.  It was awesome.  I wore jeans and make up for maybe the only time in the foreseeable future.  For the next month, every week there's something to look forward to so I'm hoping this time flies... that I won't go crazy on bedrest and that my kid stays put for  awhile.

100 days to go

100 days left of my pregnancy and cupcakes... 2 things that are not happening for me right now.

It's Sunday.  C's at work.  I'm freshly showered, set up on the couch.  We had a surprise visit from BFF and family which was exciting.  Other exciting things today: the dresser for the nursery is being delivered.  Groceries are being delivered.  And one of my oldest and dearest friends is flying out from PA to keep me company this week.  When she first offered I was nervous... this trip would suck for her.  But I explained exactly what her trip would entail, and she still decided to come out and do it -- with no hesitation.  I am so touched.  So excited to have the company.  She's technically my kid's first baby sitter :)

I made the mistake of looking into premie info last night.  I saw what were supposed to be beautiful pictures from this organization who comes and takes pro pics in the nicu.  It mostly scared me.  But maybe it's a good thing... A nice reminder of why I'm doing this bedrest.

I hope I get through the bulk of these last 100 days.  Then there will be a healthy baby.  And cupcakes.

adjusting to being horizontal most of the day

Things are going okay.  I went back to work yesterday and had to stop myself from crying a few times.  Mixed feelings of WTF am I doing here... along with feeling lame and helpless  Everyone is very understanding and helpful (though I'm sure my boss isn't thrilled to have me half-way gone so early in my pregnancy).  I'm learning to ask for things... at home C has been doing everything for me except showering me and going to the bathroom for me.  At work everyone's been offering to help.  Even if Monday's doc appt looks good (as in -- not worse since it's not going to improve)... I'll have some decisions to make.  Right now a big chunk of my "work day" is me on my feet getting ready for work and the hour drive each way.  I feel like it might be a better use of my time working form home... it's not like I can contribute the way I used to when I'm not there all the time, when I'm lounging on a couch in the back of the room, when I can't really walk to different offices.  Obviously I will do whatever my body needs me to do, but if i have to work from home, I will really miss the human interaction.  It's funny, before the idea of not having to work full time sounded amazing... but not this way.  Not where I can't do anything.  

The positives of my situation are: 

holy shit -- I'm pregnant.  That in itself is still a miracle.  

I'm not hospitalized -- in the comfort of my house

I'm further along than I could've been with this issue.  25 weeks is scary but close to where it'll be okay

though I feel horribly guilty letting people down at work, I'm so lucky to have a job situation where I won't be fired for it

my husband is doing everything he can for me

my friends are really coming through for me

and this is temporary.