so... things are okay as of now

Just has u/s.  I have some follies growing.  11s-14s.  My lining is 8.5.  Not awesome but grew .5 since Mon.  No cysts yet.  Maybe cause I'm on one estrogen suppository/day instead of am and pm.

I go back Sat. for another u/s.  The nurse is getting set for me to trigger Monday but I told her I usually take a little longer.  We'll see.  Maybe this will all work.  I'm feeling optimistic.

Had plans to go away this weekend but now we're going to come back early Sat morning for u/s appt.  Happy to do it if it helps this cycle at all.  I have a work trip Mon. morning to Tues evening.  Will get tricky getting in for an u/s before i go to the airport but I think my doc is willing to work with me.  I told him I need to make my boss happy so I make money in case there's a next cycle.  He said not to think like that.  I know he has to say that but I really do feel that he wants me to get pregnant and isn't looking to take my money.

And that f-ing magazine was on top of the stack again so I told the receptionist I was hiding it at the bottom of the pile because it's a bummer to see.  Small victories for IFers still count!  Gotta take em where I can get them!

I thought it was a little depressing that my BFF's blog post yesterday was of her baby's 6 month birthday and mine was complaining about reading material in my RE's office.  I cannot wait to not have this be my life.

reading material from Mon's appt

I should be an ivf consultant for new ivf offices.  I've been to enough.  I could guide them on the do's and don'ts from a patient's perspective.  Of course this wouldn't be very lucrative because they'd only need one visit from me.  First point of order: magazines.  If they say anything about someone being pregnant -- especially pregnant right after getting married... maybe don't display them.  And not right on top.

Of course - there's nothing else really wrong with my doc's new digs.  He's no longer sharing space with an ob/gyn so no preggos complaining about bullshit and no pics of newborns on the wall.  So far I haven't seen any patients bring their kids to appts --- a pet peeve of mine.  The only other thing I don't love about the new office is the bathroom is directly next to the doc's office so to pee you have to walk by him and essentially sit on a toilet 2 feet away from him.  And the parking is about $5/visit.

Hopefully I won't be spending many more visits at that office... but chances are I might have to.  All in all, I give it a solid A-.

today's ultrasound

Not much is happening yet.  Just 2 follies growing.  RE is keeping me on same amount of menapur until Thurs.  I asked him if he's concerned about how long my last cycle took and if that had to do with my mysterious follies disappearing thing.  He said: "I'm concerned about everything with you.  More than any of my patients."
In a way it's comforting that he is as concerned as I am... but I came away from an appt where nothing went wrong feeling depressed.  Awesome.

We'll see where we are on Thursday.  If I had to guess... IF I get to do a retrieval, it won't be until late next week.

If.

It's Friday, Friday, gettin' down on Friday...

I know that song from Stephen Colbert... and I guess Rebecca Black by default.  I have that ol' familiar excited feeling where I can't wait for the weekend to pass so I can go to my Mon. ultrasound and see what's going on.  Why am I excited?  I should be nervous/anxious etc cause if how my last cycle went down.  I shouldn't feel excited until I get to retreival.  But here I am.. an IVF CHUMP.

Guess I should just savor being in good spirits in case this shit gets busted up next week.  Hope anyone reading is going into this weekend in a good mood, too.

things feel alright today

I started my menapur/vag suppositories last night.  I will be very curious to see what's a'brewin' on my Monday u/s.  Right now I have no idea when/if I'll be doing my retrieval and it's really hard to plan... especially because a lot of my planning is work related.  Trying to gauge how not to flake on people.  Love IF for that.  I'm about to start back up at work... trying to savor these days where I am not rushing around... where I have time to myself.  Today I went for one of my (now almost daily) hour long walks... then came home and cooked breakfast.. sat down to eat it and then took my dexamethasome pill.  So funny to exercise, eat a good breakfast, then take a pill that will make me hungry/fat.  Anyway, today feels much better than the past two days.  Here's hoping that keeps up!

having a hard day

Today was my first u/s.  It went fine.  I'm just waiting for a call that my bloodwork went well and to start menapur tomorrow.  There was just something about sitting in that same RE's office... after a trip away visiting friends and family... being away from C... seeing everyone else's life moving forward while we're stuck in infertility land.  Just got to me today.  Plus I weighed myself.  154. something.  Turns out all the eating right/exercise during my cycle is for nothing.  It's the same kind of weight gain as when I do nothing.  The idea that in a few weeks I could be even heavier with one more failed cycle under my belt is extremely depressing.

One huge thing I have going for me is my husband.  It was really hard being away from him for 5 days.  He picked me up from the airport clean shaven and with a Mother's Day gift for me.  I had a great time being with my mom on Mother's Day, but the idea that my peers who are fortunate enough to have kids were being showered with celebration and gifts really upset me... like I was being penalized for not getting to have kids.  I know, it's a very narrow way to look at it -- and other years it didn't bother me... but this year it did.  And C knew that.  He showed up with a fancy pair of sunglasses I had tried on but had thought they were too expensive.  He said I had 2 days this year where I technically was pregnant and should get a Mother's Day gift.  I don't think those count -- but I love that he did that for me.  I think it's so sweet that he's constantly looking for ways to help me through all this when he's going through it all with me.

I will say - as sweet as he is... there are just some parts of this process I'm stuck going through by myself.  I think part of what depressed me so much today was sitting alone in the RE's office waiting for the doc to come in.  I try to keep my mind occupied -- all the time... I definitely hide from my thoughts. I'm always on my phone, on my laptop... just trying to avoid my feelings... and sitting on the table waiting for my RE.. my purse three feet away on a chair with my phone tucked away...all I had were my thoughts.  Staring at the ultra sound machine with my name typed in... waiting to tell me my fate.  The glob of lube sitting on the vag wand.  And I was a mess before he even walked in the room.

feeling good about the next few weeks

One would think after the last disastrous fresh cycle, I'd be a little more reserved with my optimism.  I learned that I'm even more of an unusual patient than I thought I was and apparently even basic things can go very wrong for me.  So... shouldn't I be more nervous?  I am... but for some reason I don't feel quite as doom and gloom about it.  Right now.  At this second.  It can change instantly.  But something about the summer weather hitting, C having today off, birds chirping outside, cliche good stuff all around -- is just making me feel eager to get another chance.