He's going in...

Well, I kept my good mood going yesterday all the way to about 11pm when I read an email from my RE (first email from him ever).  Here is the key passage from it:

"I believe it would be beneficial to perform an office hysteroscopy with an endometrial biopsy.  This is a simple procedure in which we would give you anesthesia, put a small camera in through the cervix, look inside the uterus for an abnormalities (fix any that are found) and take a small biopsy to send to pathology for analysis.  If all is well, we can then proceed with a greater degree of confidence."


One more obstacle.  And I start work Mon. and will have to take a day off soon for this thing that might push back my next FET.  So... the good mood went away.  I eventually fell asleep but woke up from a horrible dream this morning crying!  That has to be the hormones I'm taking because I've never done that.  Oh, or it's that somehow IF seeps into every freaking day and is now Freddy Kreuger-ing me in my sleep.  Either way, waking up crying is bonkers.  But good news is, with the exception of a few things (natural disasters, disease outbreak, my cat finally throwing himself against my screen door hard enough to run away -- okay I could list a lot of things, but still...) today can only get better from there.  Right?

B positive should be more than my blood type.

Okay.  I woke up in a good mood today and I am going to actively try and keep it going.  "Can she go a whole day?" you wonder?  Me, too.    So far: woke up to C watching soccer before he went to work.  We both laughed at the fact that his job of delivering babies is really ridiculous right now with us in the middle of IF.  I know, you may be thinking "Whoa.  That could have been the start to a bad day... your husband leaving you alone to go be with preggos."  But it wasn't.  I'm hanging out with the cats, waiting for Lil' Sis to come over and go swimming.  Not to toot my own horn, but that was smart of me to schedule a fun visit this a.m.  I didn't make plans this weekend because originally I was supposed to be on bedrest from my FET transfer... so I have this empty weekend to hopefully fill with things that make me happy.  

Nuff Said.

Well, there it is in my RE's handwriting.  My lining thickened up but there are little fluidy cysts that my RE was concerned about and thought were "weird" so this cycle is cancelled.  RE has to think about what to do next and consult with his partners to figure out what to do next cycle.  I am disappointed.  I didn't cry in the doc office, didn't cry on the drive back.  Came home and poured my self some cereal... then cried while I ate.  I know there's a whole website devoted to crying while you eat... and i get it.  There's nothing more pathetic than that... except a few weeks ago when I was having a bit of a breakdown and also had to go to the bathroom.  Ah, nothing more glamourous than pooping and crying.  I don't even remember what I was upset about, but that was officially one of my lowest IF moments.

On a happier note - today turned out to be okay.  I had a back to work bbq with several brand new parents, some preggers peeps and lots of baby talk.... but it was okay.  I was happy to see everyone.  Happy for the BFF who was there and is finally preggo from her ivfs... I got drunk for the first time in months.  I feel okay.  I think the first news of my FET being postponed was the big upset, so it getting cancelled feels like less of a shock.  Then I came home to DH who is pampering me and being incredibly sweet.  Today could have been much worse.  Now I will spend the week choking down my progesterone lozenges, keeping up with my meds, waiting for AF in a week... .and starting over again.

Back to work...

I am anxious about starting work again on Monday.  IVF #1 happened on a break from work where I could sit on the couch all day if I felt bad, I could get in the car and drive if I needed to, I only (for the most part) interacted with family and friends who were supportive and aware of my IF and my RE office... I have been spoiled by not dealing with the real world... which for me is a job where the hours are long, I see my husband much less, I will interact with people who have no idea how to talk to someone with IF, and a couple people who have either just become or are about to become new dads... lots of baby talk.  I don't want to spend another year lying about my IF... I spent last year avoiding family talks, biting my tongue, pacing in the parking lot on my cell with the RE so I can have some privacy discussing the inner workings of my lady parts... I already used the "barfing my brains out" excuse for my HSG... I don't think I can "BMBO" for every ultrasound/transfer/bedrest.  So I will have to come out at some point.  I already watched my BFF come out about her IF at work last year and it was incredibly hard for her, even with everyone knowing.  It's intimidating knowing I'm walking into this... 

I gave life to something... then I ate it.

Right after ivf #1 failed... I realized I had done nothing productive during the months I had off from work. Yes, yes, I was busy with doc appts, injections, etc, etc... but at the end of it I had nothing to show for all my hard work. So I ran out and knowing NOTHING about gardening, bought a ton of plants and veggies and herbs to start a garden. I've been meaning to for a while, and I wanted to create something and see hard work pay off (in at least one area of my life). So I toiled... I was insanely sore for days after my 2day gardening spurt. And finally a week or 2 later, there are fruits and veggies growing! I picked 2 ripe strawberries today and ate them. To be totally upfront, those strawberries existed when I bought the plant -- but I didn't kill them! I nurtured them with water, sun, love and ignorance... and then I ate them. It was very exciting. I haven't had many successes lately. I hope to one day grow a baby, and if/when that happens... I will not eat it.

waiting again...

I'm guessing anyone who writes about their IF has that title on their blog. I was struggling to wait for my FET and now that it's postponed... I'm waiting to find out if and when it will happen this month. Not the same struggle of waiting for over a year to even start fertility treatments... cause that's a different kind of waiting... where you look ahead months at a time and then feel totally powerless as the weeks/months pass and IF feels like a permanent state with no way out.

Now I'm trying to go about my days, taking my meds, trying to just live.... everything was a count down to my FET, and now that I don't even have a date for it, there's no countdown except to my next RE appt on Friday to get more answers. On Friday when I made my first post, I was so sad. Still absorbing the news that what I thought was happening, my second real chance of getting pregnant, was now taken off the schedule. Today I feel okay. I feel like I have it in me to go about my day. To be productive. It's depressing that IF now has enough sway over me that it's exciting to just not feel overwhelmingly upset. But I have to go with it. I'm bored with feeling upset. I'm going to try and fake feeling positive and see if I can trick myself into believing it.

Here's my latest ultrasound pic...

See? Tons of eggs. Had to lure them out with ivf. My first ivf resulted in 15 eggs. 12 fertilized. 7 frozen. 2 perfect blasts transferred in. 60% of getting preggo. Turns out I got the crappy 40% of BFN. So, here I am. Now one of the millions of women blogging about my infertility... but hopefully this will help me be less insane to the people in my life and maybe help someone else they way others' blogs help me.

Most likely I will just say a ton of cliche stuff and vent.

I found out today that my frozen embryo transfer (FET) is now postponed at least a week and may possibly be canceled for this cycle. Sucks.