been a while

Well... I haven't been posting about my cycles as much.  I do want to track it, but I've been, I guess, trying to ignore it as much as I can.  That last transfer I posted about was a BFN.  I've since transferred the one remaining frozen (that survived and tho was stuck in the tube did wind up inside me).  I just found out that too was a BFN.  I've now done 2 fresh and 1 frozen since L was born and I have no frozens left.  Will have to start over.  Feeling discouraged. My re is starting to question my protocol as well as thinking I should be putting back more than one embryo which after this last time, he doesn't need to be the one convincing me -- I'm already there.  Anyone reading this who's done any ivf knows how much thought, money, hope, time, planning, favors, etc went into these failures.  For the 1st time since I had a baby, I am now honestly wondering if I will get to do it again.  Back to a lot of the old, terrible ivf emotions.  Bitter.  I know I'm lucky to have one kid.  I know.  It is just exhausting to have to work so hard for something so important -- that is usually just handed to people.

waiting

Egg retrieval June 28th.  16 eggs.  Fert report: 10 were mature, 7 fertilized.  Day 3: one dropped off - 4 8 cell excellent, 1 7 cell great, 1 6 cell okay.  Day 5 transfer: only 2 left: an 8 cell and a 10 cell.  RE said a good cycle for me (depressing-ish).  We got twin-nervous and did the cautious thing and only put back the 10 cell.  It was so depressing.  I was crying when I told the RE our decision.  To do all this and only have a 30% chance instead of 50-50.  Especially with my background it feels ridiculous to be conservative about how many we put back.  I feel like if this doesn't work, we'll do a frozen cycle for our 1 frozen.  If that doesn't work, I'll never transfer just one again.  I don't feel as upset now.  But I feel like the odds are way against us this time.  I don't feel any different physically... not that that means anything.

On the way to transfer I heard this Indigo Girls song i used to be into in high school and the chorus was "multiply life by the power of 2" and I thought it was maybe a sign to put 2 back.  But we didn't.  Hopefully the one we put in is still thriving.

You know you've done too much ivf when...

The heating pad you bought for and exclusively use for ivf related things pops open.  Gross clay stuff started falling out.  I found it a little depressing -- who ever wears out a heating pad?  And all for ivf.

If this current cycle is my last (because it's successful) then I will chalk it up to some significance about it getting me through my ivfs...

Egg retrieval was Friday at 6am.  We were much calmer than the time before when C was really sick and we weren't sure they'd let us go ahead with the cycle.  It was a fairly pleasant experience.  16 eggs were retrieved (though we knew only 10 had a real chance of being mature).

Got my fert report yesterday (suuuper late -- like I think my RE forgot and I texted him around 6:30pm -- he emailed and texted back around 8pm -- he's normally great about everything but I sat by my phone all afternoon like I was waiting for a boy to call).

Anyway, 10 eggs were mature and of them 7 fertilized.  It's actually exactly the number i had in my head.  If I were a normal ivf-er, I would be very happy -- though everyone, I bet, always wants more with these things.  But with me, I just don't know.  I usually get high numbers of eggs that dwindle down to very few good embryos.  So I'm trying to be positive and think that i have less quantity hopefully because this cycle is different -- and those 7 embies are stronger and healthier than my usuals.  I will get a follow up report tomorrow sometime.  Then really we'll only know what's what on day 5 (transfer day) when I'm on the table and we hear what our fate is and make a split second decision that might determine our future family.

jeeesh.

It's happening.  I'm cycling.  I started Menopur last Thursday so over a week ago.  Last appt I had nothing growing.  Got the same speech as last first u/s: was I doing my shot right?  Where was I injecting? It's concerning but since it's exactly what happened last time I'm not freaked out.  I have an u/s tomorrow -- hopefully there will be something going on. Of course the nurse warned me not to order my meds too far in advance in case the cycle's canceled or something... um, thanks for the pep talk.  I'm hopeful.  I'm nervous.  I really want this to work.

and so it begins

Again.  Just started Lupron injections, baby asprin and Metformin (used to make me incredibly nauseous -- hoping that's not the case).  I start dexamethazone tonight (made me gain weight in the past).  Fun.  I'm going to try and stay on my weight watchers points and keep exercising and hopefully I won't gain a ton.  And if I do, at least I'll know I did what I could to prevent that.

I'm also hoping that the timing of starting my cycle the day of L's 1 1/2 b-day is a good sign -- though I've certainly been burned almost every time I look for significance in any of this shit.  So let's just say I'm extremely hopeful that this is the begging of my last ivf cycle.

small talk

My favorite neighborhood Thai place is run by a very sweet woman.  We've had honest conversations in the past about ivf because she sneaks in private questions in our chit chat and I always answer her honestly... kind of to show her how personal her questions are.  Like once when she asked how much ivf costs, I told her.  So since L was born, our chit chat is usually pretty light.. how's the baby, how's work?  Pleasant.  But today when she threw in one of her classics "when are you going to have another?" I said we're trying.  No smile on my face to make her feel better.  Lately I've been really blunt when people ask about it.  I just feel like it's not my job to make other people feel more comfortable during ivf talk.  I'm the one living it... it's not my job to put in extra effort to sugar coat shit.  So when she asked if we were going to try all "the stuff we used to do" (ivf) I told her we already did and it didn't work.  She looked genuinely sad.  I gave her a little smile.  I actually love my random honest, personal relationship with the Thai lady who knows me by my order even though I order different stuff each time.  But look out, anyone who tries to sneak personal questions into our small talk... cause you're gonna hear what's really going on.

2nd beta in

Officially over.  I can stop my meds... nothing more depressing than getting progesterone shots for nothing.  Now we can start the ritual: sushi, alcohol, going and doing all the things I thought I might have to put off for 9 months... I am going to plant my ceremonial herb and veggie garden that happens when a cycle fails in the spring... I'm going to go back to spin class.  Get a dumb gel manicure.  Clean kitty litter!

Though this weekend was HARD, I'm feeling better.  Haven't cried over this that much... a bunch Saturday.  Maybe once yesterday.  Today: nothin'.  I think it helped that I had the morning with the kid and he's back to saying "Mama" and putting his arms around my neck.  He smushes his face into mine... he has a cold and the subsequent booger fountain that comes with it... but I don't care.  I'm just happy to have him showing me some love after the shit storm of post-ivf/ohss distance between us.

This is going to sound strange... but our old failed cycle ritual involved going out of town last minute, just driving wherever, doing whatever... trying to spoil ourselves.  It never fixed anything... but it was something to do together to mourn.  This weekend was confusing. We're lucky enough to have a kid, but he was sick, needy, cranky, sleep deprived from his cold... and we couldn't just do whatever.  We tried going to the aquarium (take that, failed cycle -- blissful family fun!).  But it wasn't.  The kid was cranky, the aquarium crowds were crazy.  We maybe stayed for an hour and left.  We walked around the marina and I cried.  Nothing about the day was fixing anything.  It was a hard day.  We were sad.  We thought about just spontaneously going somewhere for the night but we didn't have the kid's overnight stuff with us... plus the reality of it was it would just be work to bring him.  Didn't know how to get a last minute babysitter for a sick kid at 3pm.  So we went home.  Again, I know I'm INSANELY lucky to be a mom... but it just meant the sting of the cycle failing was just sitting there.  On us.  Real life had to keep going.  We're parents.  Lucky to be... but in this particular situation it was complicated.

My WTF appt. is Thursday.  I'm guessing he's going to say to do everything the same.  I think if he wanted to try something very different I'd be scared.  I don't want to have to rediscover another thing that works for me... that could mean extra cycles of figuring that magical potion out.

Another part of my post cycle ritual is hating my post cycle/ohss body.  Feeling gross from being sick, from not working out, from eating weird shit.  I'm trying to just start taking control of that stuff back without being so hard on myself.  What's weird is when I look in the mirror I'm not that upset.  But I know I'm 35 lbs heavier than I should be... I imagine.  Haven't stepped on a scale in 6 weeks.  It really isn't fair that you not only don't get pregnant but you're left feeling gross about your failed-cycle-body.  I feel like I've whined about that about 20 times... maybe cause I've had about 20 failed/cancelled cycles.  I'm actually not sure what the exact number is.  I'm nervous to do the math on it cause it'll be depressing and I'm trying to not wallow in all this.