I woke up crying this morning

because I was dreaming that we ordered pizza for dinner at work and I didn't get any.  Seriously, tears rolling down my face over that.  I am pretty food dependent these days... I mean, all humans are... but it is weird to have to feed the beast immediately when I feel hunger or else I get really nauseous.  And it's also weird how long I'll go without feeling hunger... that just wanting to puke means I need to eat.  I think my dream was about a lack of control.  Still... tears over pizza makes me laugh.

the envelope please...

woke up today bleeding.  went to doc to make sure everything's alright.  It is. I just have a low lying placenta... will probably move on its own but I have to take it easy for next bunch of days.  While I was there... found out the gender.  I saw it on the ultra sound screen but asked the tech to write it down and seal it in an envelope so I could call C after and open it together.  I waited patiently with it on my lap until after my appt to call him.  I wasn't sure if what I saw was right... I'm not a professional u/s reader... Well, turns out I was right.  When you see a penis, you see a penis.  We're having a BOY!

15 weeks tomorrow

I started to fall asleep during work today.  In my boss's office during some group work.  My boss caught me and was very understanding... but geesh.  Not very professional.

I overdid it last weekend.   I feel so much better than I did first tri that I thought I could handle a lot more activity.  Guess I still have to take it easy.

If you can tell by my not that interesting statements so far... not a lot going on on the preggo front.  I feel behind with the baby planing stuff but I know it will all come together.  I just haven't had much time to dive into it yet.

I have been eating some very expensive veggies.  Before I got preg, I replanted my veg garden and herb garden.  Probably spent about $250 on plants and fertilizer.  I had to have the garden growing in case the cycle didn't work so I could feel like I accomplished something.  Then once i get preg, I wasn't supposed to garden.  So the thing is running wild.  Vines everywhere, dead, dried out stuff... but now some things are actually growing despite my total negligence.  So for $250 I'm going to have a few heirloom tomatoes, a couple mini eggplants, a pepper or two...maybe a few strawberries.

Still, I'd rather have a shitty garden and a pregnancy.

is it possible to be 14 weeks pregnant and still think like an infertile?

Yes.  I had a weird day where I caught myself feeling self conscious referring to myself as pregnant.  I felt annoyed when someone I know got pregnant easily said (perfectly nice and polite) baby stuff to me... she was just being nice but it struck me (for no rational reason) as a little upsetting.  Then I heard that acquaintances had a baby... I didn't even know they were pregnant because we barely talk to them...  I felt upset hearing about that.  Like, I started crying.  Why am I still having these feelings?  It's like today, despite being told that I've popped by several people... I seemed to have forgotten the past couple months.  Forgotten that things are working out.  I don't need to be jealous of people getting pregnant. I am, too.  I think maybe I have residual jealousy about how easy it can be.  It's a waste of energy and tears, so I hope these feelings go away.  I think I've just been so busy I haven't had time to really "be present" in my pregnancy for the past couple weeks and these things snuck up on me tonight.

Overall, pregnancy-wise... things are good.  We listened to the heartbeat at home yesterday and instead of searching for a few minutes, heard it instantly.  I'm excited for the next month... my belly is growing, we have some big doc appts coming up... we'll probably find out gender. Things are good. I need to focus on that.

second trimester

I'm here.  Pretty crazy.  I barely felt nauseaous today.  Hoping this is the start of the joys of 2nd tri.  I'm working a ton lately... Now that I'm feeling more emotionally ready to start looking at names, nursery stuff, etc.  I don't have a ton of time to do that.  I'll find it... I'm just whining.  I desperately need to go shopping cause I'm not fitting in 89% of my clothes.  I have some maternity pants and I just tried on ALL of my shirts and almost nothing fits.  I will for sure hit some cheapie stores this weekend to find a few things.  Next door to where I work some tv show about models is taping so every time I pee at work, I have to wade through them in my ill fitting clothes.  I feel like telling them "I'm pregnant, fuck off!"  Things are pretty good.  Hoping everything stays uneventful :)

lil' dude's still in there

Things are moving along... slowly.  I think there was so much ramp up to this past week... that week 12 went so slowly.  On Tues. I'm second trimester.  My belly is sticking out a little more.  It's still in that awkward soft-odd shaped phase... can't wait until it's round and obvious that I'm preg instead of maybe just big bellied.

C and I went to prenatal yoga yesterday.  It was at the place we used to go during IF where C would pick the classes based on avoiding the prenatal class.  Now we're a part of that class.  So strange.  I was for sure the least far along there. And C was the only guy.  He got huge props for that from the instructor who said it was great to have a hubby there so he could do some of the soothing techniques at home.  I was feeling all cocky for having suck a kick ass husband... and then we did group poses where 3-4 people helped each other.  Well, I wasn't a huge fan of C being touched intimately by a bunch of good looking (sure, pregnant bellied, but still, good looking) women.  It was a pregnant fetishist's ultimate (not that C is) fantasy.

Anyway... so happy to not be doing butt shots, suppositories, random pills...  happy to still be pregnant.

big day

Had NT scan.  Was 1.0 which is apparently very good.  Nasal bone looked good.  It went well.  Then my doc started talking to me about some genetic testing we were missing.  I got nervous about telling anyone at work because what if the tests came back problematic.  So quickly went from celebrating the nt scan to worrying about my Ashkenazic panel.  I just decided there will be more of these worries my whole pregnancy... and i'm not waiting until after the anatomy scan at 20 weeks to tell people.  So I did.  Everyone was so sweet about it.  They've watched me struggle through 2 years of trying... it was so weird to get to experience a moment I'd been looking forward to for so long when it all still feels surreal.

I feel so much better that it's not a secret.  Still feel shy about the whole thing... still have friends I haven't told yet.  But I feel a huge weight has been lifted.