back in the race... the long, long race.

Good news: I found out that if I have that hysteroscopy/biopsy procedure... if it turns out my inner-junk is in working order (my lining is hormonally balanced, no sneaky polyps or anything) then I can start my next FET cycle right after that.  So unless they find something wrong I don't lose much time.  Of course, I have learned to not assume anything, so my RE could find something that holds us up... but I'm feeling optimistic for some reason.

Also, it was pretty anti-climactic, but I "came out" to my boss since I know I have to take a day off next week.  He said all the right things... told me to never feel guilty about the time off.  he was very sweet.... now I'm just sort of waiting for an opportunity to tell my coworkers so they will maybe, possibly, learn to phrase some of the baby talk a little more gently.

But it feels so good to not care if someone overhears my RE phone calls, to not care if I walk out of the middle of a work thing to take my RE's calls, leave my meds out/take my meds without feeling self conscious, take off from work without lying about it...  I don't care who knows now.  Almost.

I did it on principle.

Yesterday I went to two events... both fun.  Both included baby talk from strangers.  Mostly the first one where I was seated next to a women complaining about having her 2 yr. old daughter too quickly.  I considered sharing my tale with her but chose not to since I'm pretty sure she was just making small talk.  

Then there was a toast where the speaker listed the goals of the guests of honor and it was all about starting families, enjoying motherhood, blah, blah, blah.  C and I just laughed.  Out loud.

Later that night I went to a b-day dinner... I had a really fun time, and even though I wasn't planning on it... I decided to have a Sunday night margarita just as an f-you to my not being preggers.  I think I'll draw the line at occasional f-you drinks/soft cheeses/sushi.  No cigarette 'n' crystal meth benders for me... so don't worry.  I can stop the other stuff whenever I want.  And I will when I eventually need to.

Oh, mama.

-

Despite what sitcoms say, not all moms/mother-in-laws are naggy and annoying. I know many people dealing with IF either keep it from their families or go to their families for support and instead get horrible things said to them.  My parents and my in-laws have all been incredibly supportive.  I am very lucky.  My mom (who I'm close with) has had her ear jibber-jabbered off ever since we decided to start trying with all of my pre TTC, then TTC, then not being able to conceive calls... then today I got this from my mother-in-law (who I love, but am still getting to know) out of no where:

Hang in there.  Know things are a little uncertain still and it's hard not to worry.  It may take longer than expected, but the babies will come.  We love you.  Be well.


I think because we were very open with our families, and they saw (almost) first hand how hopeful we were, how I had to excuse myself from family functions to jab needles in me, the phone calls/emails with medical details... the picture we sent of our perfect embryos (that didn't take) etc... this email from my MIL was a reminder that even though life is sort of going on... our families know what we just went through... and still are some of our biggest cheerleaders.  Neither set of parents have ever pressured us to have kids, or been the least bit pushy about it.  And now they're all just being so amazing about it.  I feel very lucky in that respect.  


And this is the end of my dreaded first week back at work... and despite some of the bad things I was worried about totally happening like:


 -tons of baby talk/pictures being shared among the people expecting at work (we all work in the same room all day so this was unavoidable ...  cell phone pics of nurseries and ultrasounds literally being passed OVER me
-my coworker who used to drink decaf coffee with me last year is now only brewing pots of regular because now he has a kid and jokingly told me to "get pregnant" if I want to be drink buddies with him (don't look for logic in that.. there wasn't)
-another coworker who asked if since my BFF was preg, if I was planning to as well
-my boss asked if I was pregnant as a joke because I was drinking an alcoholic beverage at our work bbq
-another coworker bragged about being able to get anyone pregnant since he got his wife pregnant immediately both times they tried.


This was just one week of work.  And these are just some of the moments.  Still... most of them rolled off my back.  They don't know about my IF, so I can't blame them.  It's just a lot to take in everyday... but I was surprisingly okay with it all.  No tears.  No discreetly sneaking off to take some deep breaths.  I'm sure there will be a day when one of those comments get to me, but I survived week one.

I wouldn't mind if...

I didn't have to walk by a fountain every day where kids adorably frolic.  This thing makes every kid... even not so cute ones, look exceptionally cute.  It's a freakin' Norman Rockwell type scene that will happen everyday until the end of summer.

I also wouldn't mind if I could carry on a conversation without either discussing or my mind wandering to infertility.  I am such a One Note Sally.  I can't wait for this part of my life to pass.... not just so I can finally have children... but so I'm somewhat interesting to talk to again.

What did you do on your summer break?

Most people's summers are just starting... but the big back to work question for me was "What did you do over break?"  For my job, that was April-today.  Supposed to be a very simple question.  I could have answered "Oh... countless doc appts, shots, meds, hopes crushed, blah, blah, blah..." but since I'm still in the IF closet at work, I just answer quickly and change the subject.

Aside from that, today was actually refreshing.  Work kept my mind occupied.  I felt like there are actually other parts to me than just my IF.  Still, it is unsettling to have nothing planned right now.  No appt. to look forward to... no timeline.  Just waiting for my RE to come back from his perfectly timed vacation to help me decide what my next step is.  Maybe it's a good thing to not spend my first day back at work on the phone with my doc.  Of course I came home to see my latest bank statement where we paid off our IF bills... it made me gulp.  I knew it was coming but wow, it's still shocking.  At least we went for the back up plan and our 2nd IVF is already paid for (if teh FETs don't work).  I was hoping that money would have been a waste of a gamble because we'd already be preggo.  

Yes, IF costs a ton of $.  Yes, IF taints (ha - I said taint) every day.  But today was still a pretty good day.

He's going in...

Well, I kept my good mood going yesterday all the way to about 11pm when I read an email from my RE (first email from him ever).  Here is the key passage from it:

"I believe it would be beneficial to perform an office hysteroscopy with an endometrial biopsy.  This is a simple procedure in which we would give you anesthesia, put a small camera in through the cervix, look inside the uterus for an abnormalities (fix any that are found) and take a small biopsy to send to pathology for analysis.  If all is well, we can then proceed with a greater degree of confidence."


One more obstacle.  And I start work Mon. and will have to take a day off soon for this thing that might push back my next FET.  So... the good mood went away.  I eventually fell asleep but woke up from a horrible dream this morning crying!  That has to be the hormones I'm taking because I've never done that.  Oh, or it's that somehow IF seeps into every freaking day and is now Freddy Kreuger-ing me in my sleep.  Either way, waking up crying is bonkers.  But good news is, with the exception of a few things (natural disasters, disease outbreak, my cat finally throwing himself against my screen door hard enough to run away -- okay I could list a lot of things, but still...) today can only get better from there.  Right?

B positive should be more than my blood type.

Okay.  I woke up in a good mood today and I am going to actively try and keep it going.  "Can she go a whole day?" you wonder?  Me, too.    So far: woke up to C watching soccer before he went to work.  We both laughed at the fact that his job of delivering babies is really ridiculous right now with us in the middle of IF.  I know, you may be thinking "Whoa.  That could have been the start to a bad day... your husband leaving you alone to go be with preggos."  But it wasn't.  I'm hanging out with the cats, waiting for Lil' Sis to come over and go swimming.  Not to toot my own horn, but that was smart of me to schedule a fun visit this a.m.  I didn't make plans this weekend because originally I was supposed to be on bedrest from my FET transfer... so I have this empty weekend to hopefully fill with things that make me happy.  

Nuff Said.

Well, there it is in my RE's handwriting.  My lining thickened up but there are little fluidy cysts that my RE was concerned about and thought were "weird" so this cycle is cancelled.  RE has to think about what to do next and consult with his partners to figure out what to do next cycle.  I am disappointed.  I didn't cry in the doc office, didn't cry on the drive back.  Came home and poured my self some cereal... then cried while I ate.  I know there's a whole website devoted to crying while you eat... and i get it.  There's nothing more pathetic than that... except a few weeks ago when I was having a bit of a breakdown and also had to go to the bathroom.  Ah, nothing more glamourous than pooping and crying.  I don't even remember what I was upset about, but that was officially one of my lowest IF moments.

On a happier note - today turned out to be okay.  I had a back to work bbq with several brand new parents, some preggers peeps and lots of baby talk.... but it was okay.  I was happy to see everyone.  Happy for the BFF who was there and is finally preggo from her ivfs... I got drunk for the first time in months.  I feel okay.  I think the first news of my FET being postponed was the big upset, so it getting cancelled feels like less of a shock.  Then I came home to DH who is pampering me and being incredibly sweet.  Today could have been much worse.  Now I will spend the week choking down my progesterone lozenges, keeping up with my meds, waiting for AF in a week... .and starting over again.

Back to work...

I am anxious about starting work again on Monday.  IVF #1 happened on a break from work where I could sit on the couch all day if I felt bad, I could get in the car and drive if I needed to, I only (for the most part) interacted with family and friends who were supportive and aware of my IF and my RE office... I have been spoiled by not dealing with the real world... which for me is a job where the hours are long, I see my husband much less, I will interact with people who have no idea how to talk to someone with IF, and a couple people who have either just become or are about to become new dads... lots of baby talk.  I don't want to spend another year lying about my IF... I spent last year avoiding family talks, biting my tongue, pacing in the parking lot on my cell with the RE so I can have some privacy discussing the inner workings of my lady parts... I already used the "barfing my brains out" excuse for my HSG... I don't think I can "BMBO" for every ultrasound/transfer/bedrest.  So I will have to come out at some point.  I already watched my BFF come out about her IF at work last year and it was incredibly hard for her, even with everyone knowing.  It's intimidating knowing I'm walking into this... 

I gave life to something... then I ate it.

Right after ivf #1 failed... I realized I had done nothing productive during the months I had off from work. Yes, yes, I was busy with doc appts, injections, etc, etc... but at the end of it I had nothing to show for all my hard work. So I ran out and knowing NOTHING about gardening, bought a ton of plants and veggies and herbs to start a garden. I've been meaning to for a while, and I wanted to create something and see hard work pay off (in at least one area of my life). So I toiled... I was insanely sore for days after my 2day gardening spurt. And finally a week or 2 later, there are fruits and veggies growing! I picked 2 ripe strawberries today and ate them. To be totally upfront, those strawberries existed when I bought the plant -- but I didn't kill them! I nurtured them with water, sun, love and ignorance... and then I ate them. It was very exciting. I haven't had many successes lately. I hope to one day grow a baby, and if/when that happens... I will not eat it.

waiting again...

I'm guessing anyone who writes about their IF has that title on their blog. I was struggling to wait for my FET and now that it's postponed... I'm waiting to find out if and when it will happen this month. Not the same struggle of waiting for over a year to even start fertility treatments... cause that's a different kind of waiting... where you look ahead months at a time and then feel totally powerless as the weeks/months pass and IF feels like a permanent state with no way out.

Now I'm trying to go about my days, taking my meds, trying to just live.... everything was a count down to my FET, and now that I don't even have a date for it, there's no countdown except to my next RE appt on Friday to get more answers. On Friday when I made my first post, I was so sad. Still absorbing the news that what I thought was happening, my second real chance of getting pregnant, was now taken off the schedule. Today I feel okay. I feel like I have it in me to go about my day. To be productive. It's depressing that IF now has enough sway over me that it's exciting to just not feel overwhelmingly upset. But I have to go with it. I'm bored with feeling upset. I'm going to try and fake feeling positive and see if I can trick myself into believing it.

Here's my latest ultrasound pic...

See? Tons of eggs. Had to lure them out with ivf. My first ivf resulted in 15 eggs. 12 fertilized. 7 frozen. 2 perfect blasts transferred in. 60% of getting preggo. Turns out I got the crappy 40% of BFN. So, here I am. Now one of the millions of women blogging about my infertility... but hopefully this will help me be less insane to the people in my life and maybe help someone else they way others' blogs help me.

Most likely I will just say a ton of cliche stuff and vent.

I found out today that my frozen embryo transfer (FET) is now postponed at least a week and may possibly be canceled for this cycle. Sucks.