I feel better today!

I'm still a little sore and still completely bloated and slow moving... but I feel better!  I woke up and felt... dare I say, fine!!!  I went to work and was at 75% mentally...  It's huge.  And yes, it could come back... but this gives me hope that I'm going to get better on the faster side... and use my positive vibing towards being pregnant and not towards making it through each day.  I'm still going to take it very easy this weekend.  I have a giant work thing Monday morning... so I need to reserve my energy for that.  And no peeing on a stick until after that.  Hopefully I can hold out till very close to the beta.

here I am...

awake since 2am.  I even took something to help me sleep.  I just got drained Tues afternoon... and I can already feel the pressure of the extra bloat coming back.  The bloat never went away, was just reduced... I still felt like I was completely run down.... but I had a day where I could at least eat semi-regularly and drink when I was thirsty without throwing up.  I'm so overwhelmed right now because I can feel it going back to how I was... which was horrible.  I've been desperately looking for some advice on line but everything is the same... women saying how hard it is and how long it lasts and how nothing makes it better except time.

I'm trying to remind myself that this will be over eventually... but right now each day is daunting.  I know I can go get drained again, but it takes me out for the day... so I'm hoping to make it until Sat. because I am going to work tomorrow.  I have to.  And if I can tolerate it I will Fri. too.  I keep reading that most people are stuck in bed for at least a week.  I think my week officially started Fri when I couldn't get off my office couch... so I'm hoping this weekend will mark the beginning of feeling better.  Unless, I'm pregnant.

SInce none of my clothes fit without hurting me... I'm not sure what to wear to work.  The saddest thing will be if I have to buy maternity clothes for this and not for actually being pregnant.  I promise I'm not down all the time... right now is just a bad moment.  I even feel better since having typed this.

I'm getting okay

I have so much I want to get off my chest about the insanity of the past few days... but right now even opening up my lap top makes me a little winded.  I can generally breathe fine except for the quick to winded part... otherwise being unable to breathe is the telltale sign to go to the hospital, but now that I had about 2 liters of fluid drained from my abdomen yesterday, I'm feeling better.  Still bad, but not on that insane level where I've been the past few days.  I finally googled OHSS and it scared  me in the short term... it can come back, it can get worse... but it can go away (slowly :(  usually over a few weeks).  But now I know when to take pain meds, when to go to the ER, and when to go get more fluid drained if I need to (ps - they drain it by sticking a needle in your vag!).  The good news is I actually can still get preggo from this cycle, which is nuts to me because i've never been so physically distressed as I have since transfer day.  I still can't fit in ANY of my clothes... and I plan on going to work tomorrow so I don't get fired.  My fantasy for the next few weeks: I never feel worse than I do now... just slowly get better.  And then maybe get pregnant next week without it making my OHSS worse.  The goodish news is, if this cycle fails, there will be some relief in that I for sure won't overstimmulate any worse than I am now.  So there will be mild comfort in my disappointment.  This week has changed how I view my IVF process... something complicated just got complicated on a whole new "survivally" level.  But just like all pain and distress, will fade and hopefully not scare me about trying it again if I need to.

bad night

Spent it in the ER with the worst pain I've ever had in my life.  Not how I was hoping to spend the first chunk of our 2 yr wedding anniversary.  I'm exhausted still... hoping the pain doesn't come back and the nausea stays away with the pills i"m taking.  RE says he's seen woman go through what I went through without ruining their cycles... though it was the opposite of bedrest.  And it involved heavy pain meds that are supposedly okay.  It's a version of OHSS... I still have more weight to gain more bloat to puff out and more discomfort to come.  As long as last night doesn't repeat... I'll get through it.  And if it starts to come, I'm not waiting for hours to go to the ER.

they're in me

Today was our transfer.  We had 3 embryos of okay quality... too soon to tell what they will turn into... but as the RE said, he currently has a patient who he transferred four embryos of lesser quality than ours and the woman is now preg with quads... so this could be nothing... or SOMETHING.  Of course my hope is officially up.  Can't go through all of this and not feel that.  I'm hoping that since our first cycle was perfect and failed, that this insane cycle where a ton of rare, painful, problematic crap happened will be the one that works.  So now I'm couch bound for 2 days.  With my bloated stomach... I'm happy I got this far and I won't know for 12 days if this worked.  C is taking good care of me.  So far, neither of our cats has leaped on my belly.  I know there's nothing too horrible I can do to ruin this while I'm couch bound... but as other IFers know, every sneeze, laugh, fart makes you nervous you're squeezing out your unborn kids.  So here's to some sticky, sticky little ones burrowing in.

3

So, here we are.  3 fertilized embryos.  Tomorrow is the transfer.  I'm hoping I get to actually do it because I have had some serious abdominal pain issues.  Yesterday I went to work and had such stabbing, sharp belly pain I wound up stuck on my office couch until C came and drove me home.  I cannot describe how intense yesterday was... I was pretty sure I didn't need to go to the hospital, but not totally sure.  C thinks it might just be intense gas as a reaction to the HCG shot I took and all the other meds from 2 procedures this week.  I hope that's all it is because the other option is that I'm overstimmulating and that could potentially cancel my transfer tomorrow.  So... I've never wished for super sonic gas... but I am now.  My belly is so puffy and tender I look preggo.

C went out and bought me all kinds of target stretch pants to try on so I can go to work in them.  Fri. I was walking around with my jeans totally unzipped, and even that felt restrictive.  Not to whine... but the stress, physical discomfort, financial strain, and impact on my career this week has had... has been huge.  I've been doing well lately about not being jealous of women who get pregnant with ease... but today I'm feeling it.  If this doesn't work and this past week and the weeks leading up were for nothing, it will take some serious soul searching to get to a place where I'm okay with that.

C has been amazing this week.  He has been so comforting... I know we'll be okay with whatever outcome all of this ivf has on our lives.... and BFF and family have been amazing, too.  It's takes a village to prep an embryo... that's the saying, right?

5

They retrieved 5 eggs today.  Tomorrow I hear how many fertilized.  All was not lost.  I hope I wake up feeling like I did not have 2 egg retrievals this week.  I am weak and have to be a human at work tomorrow.

Horrible Egg Retrieval...

Before the retrieval I was staring up at the big operating room light thinking "How did I get here?... I'm on an operating table while DH is watching porn in a small doctor's office room nearby and that's how we're trying to make a baby.  I'm missing a lot of work... my male bosses plan their days around my fucking uterine lining...and this is my life.  Okay."  Then I wake up from my procedure and no one is telling me how it went but I hear people talking about calling my RE in Paris.

Turns out they went to take out my eggs in one ovary and there were no eggs.  So they stopped and called it a day.  I've been freaking out all day.  They said it was not good and they weren't sure what happened.  I just got the call that it turns out I didn't trigger at all.  Don't know why, maybe the pharmacy messed up my dose... something to ask about later.  For now, I'm triggering again, this time with HCG which will make me more likely to over stimulate...  I had a shot this morning to suppress my ovulation until then, but there's a chance my eggs will not be sitting there waiting for me on Thursday when take 2 is planned.  I will have an ultrasound before the retrieval to determine if it's worth doing.  I couldn't believe I was leaving there "empty handed" this morning.  Of all the things that are starting to go wrong for me, making eggs is my jam.  I'm good at that.  So this morning was a shock.

So as of a few minutes ago when I got the call... now I at least have hope that MAYBE I will get half the eggs I was making from the one ovary they're going to bust into.  And maybe my body isn't going to be messed up from having ovulation suppression shots on the same day as ovulation trigger shots.  It's been a depressing day.  But less depressing than if I did all this and didn't get any shot at this cycle (because we may need a break to regroup after this) and I don't want to not have even had a chance (my second chance EVER to try and get pregnant).  The one "highlight" of today is the anesthesiologist asked if I was an egg donor or if they were for me.  I thought that was a funny idea and he said egg donors are usually young and attractive so it made sense.  For those of you who don't know me, I'm a regular looking girl and I was in a hair net at the time, so it was a weird moment.  All in all, not the day I was hoping for :(

My ovaries are 8 cms each... the size of lemons.

a normal sized ovary is about 2.5cms.  The RE who did my ultrasound was concerned about how many follicles I have... that I'm in the 100th percentile.  I told him this happened last fresh cycle and I didn't overstimulate, but he said it often happens after you become pregnant and it is not only very uncomfortable, but can lead to miscarriage.  He also said my lining is not awesome.  It's still an 8, but there is no pretty pattern on it.

The good news it the cycle isn't cancelled.  Retrieval is Tues. and transfer is Friday.  The RE said he recommends a day 3 transfer of 3 embryos considering where my lining is and my OHSS (over stim) possibility.   So... here we go.  I'm not feeling as excited after today, but maybe that's a good thing.  We have about 15 mature follicles, so maybe well get another good batch of eggs out.  And maybe my lining will pull through.  One skill DH and I have acquired out of all this: we can breeze through IVF consent forms like we're scratching off lotto tickets.

I'm eating for twenty...

Okay, not really.  And it's more than twenty.  That's how many eggs my RE counted before he stopped.  I'm so bloated right now.  Morning are the worst because there's some connection between having to pee and discomfort so my first morning pee is quite a chore.  Yesterday I had a good but stressful RE appt.  It looks like we're moving forward to a retrieval and fresh transfer.  Why waste so many eggs?  My lining is at an 8, which doc wanted higher... he said for me to start some estrogen for that, and I reminded him that all I was on during my f-ed up FETs was estrogen and maybe that's what gave me cysts... so he held off for now but wants me to do it if my Sunday appt shows no lining growth.  I think I'm going to fight that,  An 8 is still okay and I don't want to mess up the whole cycle.  Of course, my RE will be in Paris so I'll be deciding this with an RE I've never met.  And a different RE will be performing the other procedures.

Yesterday's appt involved me taking noted from my RE on what to make the other RE looked at.  This scared me... why am I in charge of making sure the new guy does everything right?  Then I planned out my meds and sched. with a nurse who didn't know what she was doing cause the reg. nurse was out.  There were several things she didn't know the answer for and I was left to figure them out.  Including the math that lead to what DOSAGE to take.

I couldn't believe it.  I was figuring out stuff that someone more qualified should have been holding my hand through.  If that happens again I will ask her to get help for EVERY question I have if she doesn't know the answer.  It all turned out fine, but I will be double checking everything she told me to do.  Even when she ordered my meds on speaker phone, the pharmacist was correcting her on ordering the wrong  thing for my trigger shot.

Anyway... it's all good.  I just feel bloated.... like insanely bloated.  I wonder how big my ovaries are since each has a ton of eggs brewing.  I go in tomorrow and hopefully I'll be all set to set a day for retrieval and a day for transfer.

if I could turn back time...

I would have blogged through my 1st ivf so I could look back and see if my symptoms are the same.  I'm on Menopur again... 4 vials/day.  At my Tues RE appt, he asked how my weekend was... I said "great.  I'm bloated!"  He thought it was an odd response... but I was excited to feel the drugs working.  I'm not in pain, but I'm uncomfortable, not myself.  I feel like I am more bloated this time, but I can't tell.  I just took my regular shot, plus a Ganorellex (sp?) to prevent ovulation.  For some reason, both shots bled a little tonight.  I am so excited for Friday to find out if I make it to the next step.

So far, so good.

Today's RE appt went really well.  NO cysts.  My lining is at an 8.5!  So this thing is moving forward for now.  I'm really leaning towards doing a full fresh cycle where my eggs are taken out and fresh embryos are put back in.  I am cautiously excited.  I have to remember no matter what happens... at least if I get all the way to some type of transfer, it's progress and some kind of victory.

Aw jeez... it's a comin'

I am getting excited.  I can't help it.  I was doing really well just feeling nothing... now I'm feeling hopeful...  this bubble could pop at any second.  Tomorrow I have an RE appt.  I could find out that everything's looking good and we pick a date for transfer.  Or it could end.  I want to just be zen-ny and calm and let whatever happens, happen.  But I done gone and got excited.

non stop action over here...

A week ago I saw my therapist who I now see about once a month since our schedules don't mix well... I'm busy with work (like, crazy busy) and she is semi retired and is traveling a lot... so I sat down and just recapping what had happened in the last month sounded like a ridiculous soap opera.  Full of ridiculous lows, full of highs in other areas of my life...  as I listed it all, I felt incredibly overwhelmed... but I'm trucking along.  I'm almost a week into my fresh-frozen combo cycle (something my RE said he's never tried, never heard of... not the cheeriest pep talk, but that he thinks makes sense).  I had an US today and my lining is at a 6 but the pattern's nice.. he's upping my meds so I'm taking 4 vials of menapur/day (which is almost $400/day).  And of course IF (capital "if" not "infertility IF) but if I am lucky enough to get to do a transfer,  it's falling on the week where I have some major work things going on, and I'm really hoping that everything lays out smoothly.  Of course, maybe I should learn not to waste energy worrying about scheduling stuff since that dirty rug has been ripped out from under me plenty o' times.  But still, I'm a little concerned about the timing of everything.

I feel less crazy right now.  I know it's still lurking under the surface, but something about the disappointment of the last cycle being cancelled just numbed something in me.  I can't handle absorbing each blow, so I'm just not.  I went out to a street food festival last night and did my shot in the back seat of my sister's car with my sister and my cousin cheering me on... and hipsters frolicking about right outside the windows (which were all lit up so it was like a very unsexy peep show).  And I'm about to do a shot right now.  I'm going through all the motions... again... and hopefully my body will cooperate this time.