another round of holidays behind us

This Christmas was okay.  I was braced for it being hard.  There were a few moments but generally okay.

Just drove home from NoCal.  Rest stops full of moms with cigarettes and little kids.  In SF I saw a ton of people who looked like us but with kids... I guess because it's a walking city, you actually SEE more families scuttling around.   We caught up with old friends and were very honest about what's going on with us... I have this feeling like I want everyone to know what we've been through.

I'm feeling angry tonight.  Don't know why it makes sense for us to have this struggle when others don't.  Running out of new thoughts on this.  It's always hard.

I'm supposed to be taking care of myself so I'm in a good place for our upcoming FET... will have to start doing that...

I'm my own pharmacy

Yesterday I took inventory of all my meds so my RE knew what to order for me to get started.  The depressing part... some of it had expired.

Cause we've been doing this for so long.

Also I wrote my old RE a "break up" letter telling him that we're moving on and thanking him for his care.  I didn't hear back.  Part of me still feels connected to his office, especially his head nurse who was awesome.  I went through a lot with them... but I'm already really liking my new doc.  We'll see...

girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do

I'm healing pretty well... jeans are still unzippable.  At my appt today, my RE said something shocking.  That since he found mild endo during my lap, that maybe we'd want to try on our own for a few months because pregnency rates can be higher.  I asked him what he meant and reminded him that I don't ovulate.  He said he could put me on meds for that.  I got really emotional.  That's not on our own.  I've been so in ivf world.. so moved on from that idea... I know that trying to find the right protocol for me could take a while and now that I only have 1 tube left operating at 50%, the idea of taking six months to experiment made me very upset.  Just him mentioning it as an option made me upset.  I've already grieved that part.... I don't want to go back to that.  It's like someone said my dog died and then a year later said we could dig him up and try some experimental treatment for months to see if he comes back... yes I'd want the dog back.. but those months of hope and disappointment... and possible half year delay of our dreams and goals... I don't want it.  Not now.  Now I want to move on to do a frozen cycle and hope the lining issues/failed cycles I had before were due to my tubes/endo and can use those good ivf odds to maybe get preg.  I know someone might read this and think I should be patient and do the lower impact procedures... but I just want out of infertility and even though there's something hopeful in his suggestion, I hate it.  If we are able to have our own bio kids through ivf and if we do ivf again... then we can do another lap, start slow... see what happens.  But I'm exhausted and will be moving ahead with an frozen cycle starting in a week or so.  Booya.

post lap

well, I'm feeling better... still really tired but less sore.  I'm so relieved that nothing major happened and I can get back to regular life starting tomorrow.

I woke up to a recovery room nurse telling me to breathe (in quite a pissy tone) and after I bugged her enough about the results of my surgery she looked at my chart and told me they took out an ovary.  I knew she was wrong so I didn't freak out...

They DID NOT remove an ovary.... but they did remove one of my fallopian tubes and had to repair the one they left in.  The remaining one might be problematic in the future... they also found some mild endo and some scar tissue... my doc asked C if I'd had colitus (sp?) or something like that that would've cause it... I haven't had anything like that that I'm aware of.  Though I knew we'd need to do ivf to get preg... I'm still weirded out that there was something wrong with my tubes.  I'm upset that the 2 docs who told me I was good to go possibly wasted my time leading me to do procedures when I had tubal issues that might ruin any attempts... but mostly I'm looking forward.  We won't do any frozen transfers til Feb.  My re was saying jan, but he didn't realize how damaged my tubes were and wants to wait for them to heal.  He sounds optimistic.   So I feel optimistic.  Who knows if my mild endo (which a ton of people have that doesn't interfere with pregnancy) or my tubes were the problem with the last failed cycles... I kind of hope they were so we can move on and maybe have one work now.

One funny thing that happened... we were in my recovery room when my old RE popped in (I have not told him that we switched docs... he probably just thought we were on a break).  I was groggy so it took me a min to understand who he was... he wanted to know what we were doing there... he happened to be doing a surgery in that hospital... maybe saw me or my name on the surgery board... I was speechless, so was C... we just stared at the guy and finally I said I was out of it and apologized for being groggy.  He politely left.  It was so awkward... like I got caught cheating on my boyfriend or something.  I really like the old RE, so I'm going to write or call and let him know what's going on... it was just so weird... ah, my infertility soap opera....

Lap on Friday....

I spent a good part of my down time this T-day figuring out if I should reschedule my lap surgery this Friday.  I'm a little nervous for the pain, but know I can get through it.  What I'm most nervous for is taking more time off from work... that I don't know how much time I'll need and more than two days will be not great... I'm nervous that outside of work I have something that also has a deadline that the recovery days will take me out of, but also just generally being tired from having surgery will make my now normal routine of getting to work early and staying late and using the weekend to get it done will be hard.... like I'm just getting by right now but I'm about to add a major hurdle to all of my work stuff.  BUT... the reason I'm not waiting until after work slows down, is I need that time for IVF and potentially getting OHSS again.  You may be wondering.... "aren't you feeling frustrated and angry that you have to do things like plan for surgery and getting sick where you may need to be hospitalized instead of getting to try and do your best at work uninterrupted and use your time off to plan a vacation instead of lingering around doing ivf,  hoping to not get sick from it?"  The answer is yes... I am feeling very resentful that I have to do all this shit.  But I have to.  It's the only way to get to our goal.  Just now, waiting for this next step,I've been off BCPs since late Sept.  Still no period.  A reminder that I'm still defective.  That we can't have kids without ivf right now and maybe ever.

going home

2.5 day cross country visit.  Can't wait.  Will be seeing some relatives who recently learned about our ivf stuff, so there might be some comforting conversations... maybe some not so comforting ones.  Still, I'm looking forward to the coziness of our family's Thanksgiving.  I guess one good thing about my IF is that I can still make this trip with relative ease.  Selfishly hoping there are no other pregnancy announcements while I'm there.

thankful

Thankful for my husband.  My family.  My friends.  My cats.

Lots going on.  BFF had her baby and it's been awesome.  I was in the room for the big show!  The baby is very cute.  It does make me very aware of my infertility... but I'm thrilled to be around her... something I was nervous about before... she's so sweet and though I'm uncomfortable around most kids now... I'm very comfortable with her.  I'm happy for my friend and her husband.  I'm thankful that it turned out this way.

too busy to feel anything... it's a good thing!

Work and life have been so busy that for the past few weeks, I actually haven't been thinking about IF.  BFF is going to have a baby tomorrow.  I am relieved to feel excited for her baby to come.   Been a concern for me during my IF lows... and though I'm sure there will be moments where it is extremely depressing to watch BFF move on to enjoy the goal we've both been working so hard for... now I am excited.  It is insane that she's at the end of all this... it is a reminder of how far away I am.  The crazy thing is this time last year she was as low as I am now... so things do change.  I think the holidays will go by so quickly with work and her baby and travel and dealing with some other life issues that hopefully IF will duck out of the forefront of my thoughts until I start cycling.

trying to not be anxious...

I feel okay considering I'm in the middle of some stressful things.  Lots of sake at dinner sure helped with that.  I have been feeling a little better about IF things the past few days.  I saw my therapist yesterday and she helped remind me that part of why I can't shake feeling depressed is that I'm in limbo.  I can't just move on to adoption yet, and I don't know if any of these efforts will pay off... and until then we just have to push forward.  I was sort of expecting her to tell me I need more time, but she agreed that it sounds like i need to push forward.  I'm still feeling sad here and there, but I'm actually capable of a good mood... so that is huge.  Hoping to keep that up.

Holy smokes... I'm in a good mood.

Maybe it's because yesterday was bad.  Maybe it's because I my boss was in a good mood.  Or maybe it's because I have been in such a funk, I'm noticing the people around me wearing down a bit.  I'm sure I'm hard to be around when I'm depressed... so I made a conscious effort to be "up" today... and everything worked out that it went smoothly.  Granted, some days i do that and forty baby things fly at me and it all goes to shit, but today worked.

Boo.

It's Halloween.  I was dreading having to answer the door to trick or treaters tonight.  But none came so far.  There are kids on my street... maybe there's some infertile stink coming from my house.  My BFF who went through ivf and is now weeks/days away from her first kids said she looked back on her blog during all those struggles and how depressing it was.  And that's where I am... blogging about the big fat suck of IF.  I guess someday I'll be past this... either with bio kids or adopted... but right now it feels so permanent.

On a whim I called a fertility doc I'd read about who is local and I went in with C for a consultation.  We really liked him.  He had some ideas on what steps he'd take to get me to a frozen transfer.  He was concerned about my HSG xrays and might want to do a laproscopy to peek in at m'tubes and correct any blockage in case it's causing crap to back up into my uterus and interfere with implantation.  New RE excited us, made us feel hopeful... like i'm not a medical mystery... but it could just be shiny and new.... he might look at my medical records and realize that his ideas/theories/plans don't apply to me.  He could ultimately let us down... but right now we like that he wants to simplify my meds and take action.

I know we should get more opinions, but we really like this new guy and feel ready to start up with the legwork that will gets us towards being ready to try cycling soonish, or get the lap done.

I feel like there have been a lot of moments where I had to chose between some invasive diagnostic mystery solver procedure or moving forward... feels like this choice keeps happening.

Okay, as I'm typing my bitter fertility blog, we got our one trick or treater.  C went to the door... just hearing their little voices got me tearing up.  Don't they know not to be all cute in earshot while I'm mid-venting?  All primed to feel...

Anyway.. I'm jealous of Bff's barely written on blog... because she's not writing because there's nothing more to say.  She did it.  She's out of it.  When I don't write lately, it's because I'm avoiding it because I'm avoiding thinking/feel about something incredibly sucky.

the get-a-way

C and I had our wedding anniversary get away since our original one was cancelled because of our transfer date... and then our anniversary went totally uncelebrated because of the OHSS thang...so we went to Palm Springs (to a hotel where there wouldn't be as many kids).  The first thing that happened is the hotel front desk girl asked if we were the parents of some grown assed high school kids in the lobby.  I have never been mistaken for being older, let alone 10+ years older than I am.  I laughed and the girl explained: she herself is twenty and the one year old in the lobby is hers... so we could technically still be the parents of the other kids.  I told her even with her math, that's crazy.  I'd have to have had them when I was 14... which I guess is possible, but weird to say to someone.  I hope that dumb girl and her baby had a shitty weekend.

Our weekend away was much needed and pretty relaxing... though I'm at the beginning of trying to lose my weight from the past six months... and in all the iF struggles, food has been a comfort, so letting go of that has been hard so far.  I'm so out of shape and resentful of the physical and emotional shitstorm of IF that pushed a girl who normally has to work hard to not gain weight to gain ten-15 pounds.  Yes, some people go through this and don't gain weight... but that is not me.  The weight is a daily reminder that not only did IVF drain my wallet, my spirit and my sanity... but it has left me pudgy and still not pregnant.  So I'm trying to exercise again... I know I should be anyway.  I'm trying a food delivery service during the week since lately finding a healthy meal to eat has left me in tears since I have no time to shop and cook... I thought I was eating healthy before, but now adjusting to the portions has reminded me that I really have been overeating.

C has been an awesome husband through out this.  He gets overwhelmed by how sad I get... but I am getting upset less often.  We are having more fun now... as I type he's setting up Guitar Hero.  He also hasn't said one negative word about me splurging on an expensive food delivery service.  He said a ton of nice crap to me when I felt sad in a dressing room after not fitting into any of the clothes... he's always telling me how good I look.  He's really been taking good care of me.  If I have to be going trough all this fertility stuff, I'm happy to be going through it with him.

the break so far....

Well, I'm happy to not be running to doc appts.  Happy to only have a few pills to take every day.  Happy to not be spending money left and right on medical crap.  I don't really have any free time to sit around feeling bad... so that's not a huge issue... a few break downs here and there.  Standard IF stuff... I feel sad under everything, but I'm hoping in time that will go away  I have some issues out in public when I see kids.  I feel uncomfortable and upset.  Awesome.  It's depressing to not be looking forward to some fertility hope.  I guess I have long term hope... like in a few years this will be over because we'll have moved on to adoption at some point.  I know I need this time to get myself back, rested... somehow calm enough that I can get pregnant... but don't women in war zones get knocked up?  Teen moms have to worry about homework and soccer matches and PSats... shouldn't I be able to get knocked up even if I'm stressed out?  I think this last attempt killed some last kernel of enthusiasm towards this process, so maybe next time I try I will be less excitable and it will work.

One good thing: I found a massage place that is only $45/hr and really good... so I think I will start going there whenever I have the time (so... twice a month).  I'll lump it in with all of my ivf costs :)

my new routine...

Lately my days start with getting ready for work...I'm fine.  Car ride to work... fine.  Get to work... then it takes about an hour or two to get past this overwhelming feeling of sadness.  Like people are talking and laughing around me and I can't connect.  I don't care about what they're talking about.  I think about leaving the room, but don't.  Then at some point, I click on and can be a part of the day... then lunch gets a little sad because real life stuff happens and it reminds me.  Then I go back to my day, and the hours pass quickly.  My drive home is long, but I don't get upset.  Then I get home to the comfort of my house and C and I get really upset... it's the only time I can let myself and it's unavoidable.  I'm learning to turn it off pretty quickly.  I have to.  I do it through out my work day, I do it when I get home... I'm constantly stopping myself so I can just get on with my day.  Or eat dinner.  Or just be around my husband without needing him to take care of me.  I'm in a bad place, one I've heard people talk about and thought, : wow, they sound so bitter... but I'm there.  I HATE being around kids right now.  I hate hearing about kids.  It's ALWAYS hard now.  I don't want to be this person, but I am.  For now.  I hope I can get back to some zen place where it's at least tolerable.

I'm hoping it's because I'm just fresh off a failed cycle and that this level of upset fades.  I cried through my whole WTF appt with my RE and he was very concerned about my stress level... concerned for me and for future cycles... he asked what I'm doing to de-stress and my answer is nothing.  So I'm actively trying to figure out a plan.  C scheduled yoga and breakfast out on Sunday.  He's trying to fill my free time with things that will help.  I am going to try and exercise.... I don't know when, but I need to.  I know this stuff won't fix me, but I need to get to a place where I am not crying every time I'm comfortable.

Life goes on...

So, C and I had a rough start to the weekend.  But I think we just needed some time together to digest all of this, and to just be together.  Part of all the injections, and then the OHSS was me being in my own world, we were just surviving, and I didn't want to be touched... So we were really just getting through the days.  Now we can hug... we went out past midnight on Sat.  We even picked up a new laptop to replace the gatorade massacre of 2010.  Things are slowly getting better... we definitely gave quite a few families doing cute family stuff the stink eye.  But we're already talking about what's next, figuring out how much of a break we might need.  Slowly moving on...

Over

Well, this cycle is officially a bust.  BFN.  I knew Wed. morning from a home test, but today made it official.  Now we don't know what to do next.  I know I need a break.  Don't know for how long.  Don't know if I should stay with my RE.  Don't know nothing.  C and I are sad.

It's been a long time trying, but 6 full months of cycling.  Only 2 real tries where I could've gotten pregnant.  I just need some time where I don't have to manage it.  I'm sure I will still think about it everyday... but I just can't deal with the other layers that cycling adds to life right now.

Sometime next week we'll have our WTF appt.  I don't know what he'll say differently.  I hope he has some plan that's so amazing I just stay at that office... but if not, we start researching other REs... eventually.

I'm exhausted.  C's exhausted... oh, and during my ten days of only drinking Gatorade for the OHSS... I spilled a giant thing of purple Gatorade on my laptop and it died. One more issue I'm attributing to IF.  So we can add our new laptop cost to our total IF cost... whatever that is now.  I might need to try a shooting range or something.  Or I could start working out again so I don't look pregnant wh  ile people who sort of know me are trying to figure it out.

Everything else beside IF is going well... and i hope our break lets up enjoy some of that.

I feel better today!

I'm still a little sore and still completely bloated and slow moving... but I feel better!  I woke up and felt... dare I say, fine!!!  I went to work and was at 75% mentally...  It's huge.  And yes, it could come back... but this gives me hope that I'm going to get better on the faster side... and use my positive vibing towards being pregnant and not towards making it through each day.  I'm still going to take it very easy this weekend.  I have a giant work thing Monday morning... so I need to reserve my energy for that.  And no peeing on a stick until after that.  Hopefully I can hold out till very close to the beta.

here I am...

awake since 2am.  I even took something to help me sleep.  I just got drained Tues afternoon... and I can already feel the pressure of the extra bloat coming back.  The bloat never went away, was just reduced... I still felt like I was completely run down.... but I had a day where I could at least eat semi-regularly and drink when I was thirsty without throwing up.  I'm so overwhelmed right now because I can feel it going back to how I was... which was horrible.  I've been desperately looking for some advice on line but everything is the same... women saying how hard it is and how long it lasts and how nothing makes it better except time.

I'm trying to remind myself that this will be over eventually... but right now each day is daunting.  I know I can go get drained again, but it takes me out for the day... so I'm hoping to make it until Sat. because I am going to work tomorrow.  I have to.  And if I can tolerate it I will Fri. too.  I keep reading that most people are stuck in bed for at least a week.  I think my week officially started Fri when I couldn't get off my office couch... so I'm hoping this weekend will mark the beginning of feeling better.  Unless, I'm pregnant.

SInce none of my clothes fit without hurting me... I'm not sure what to wear to work.  The saddest thing will be if I have to buy maternity clothes for this and not for actually being pregnant.  I promise I'm not down all the time... right now is just a bad moment.  I even feel better since having typed this.

I'm getting okay

I have so much I want to get off my chest about the insanity of the past few days... but right now even opening up my lap top makes me a little winded.  I can generally breathe fine except for the quick to winded part... otherwise being unable to breathe is the telltale sign to go to the hospital, but now that I had about 2 liters of fluid drained from my abdomen yesterday, I'm feeling better.  Still bad, but not on that insane level where I've been the past few days.  I finally googled OHSS and it scared  me in the short term... it can come back, it can get worse... but it can go away (slowly :(  usually over a few weeks).  But now I know when to take pain meds, when to go to the ER, and when to go get more fluid drained if I need to (ps - they drain it by sticking a needle in your vag!).  The good news is I actually can still get preggo from this cycle, which is nuts to me because i've never been so physically distressed as I have since transfer day.  I still can't fit in ANY of my clothes... and I plan on going to work tomorrow so I don't get fired.  My fantasy for the next few weeks: I never feel worse than I do now... just slowly get better.  And then maybe get pregnant next week without it making my OHSS worse.  The goodish news is, if this cycle fails, there will be some relief in that I for sure won't overstimmulate any worse than I am now.  So there will be mild comfort in my disappointment.  This week has changed how I view my IVF process... something complicated just got complicated on a whole new "survivally" level.  But just like all pain and distress, will fade and hopefully not scare me about trying it again if I need to.

bad night

Spent it in the ER with the worst pain I've ever had in my life.  Not how I was hoping to spend the first chunk of our 2 yr wedding anniversary.  I'm exhausted still... hoping the pain doesn't come back and the nausea stays away with the pills i"m taking.  RE says he's seen woman go through what I went through without ruining their cycles... though it was the opposite of bedrest.  And it involved heavy pain meds that are supposedly okay.  It's a version of OHSS... I still have more weight to gain more bloat to puff out and more discomfort to come.  As long as last night doesn't repeat... I'll get through it.  And if it starts to come, I'm not waiting for hours to go to the ER.

they're in me

Today was our transfer.  We had 3 embryos of okay quality... too soon to tell what they will turn into... but as the RE said, he currently has a patient who he transferred four embryos of lesser quality than ours and the woman is now preg with quads... so this could be nothing... or SOMETHING.  Of course my hope is officially up.  Can't go through all of this and not feel that.  I'm hoping that since our first cycle was perfect and failed, that this insane cycle where a ton of rare, painful, problematic crap happened will be the one that works.  So now I'm couch bound for 2 days.  With my bloated stomach... I'm happy I got this far and I won't know for 12 days if this worked.  C is taking good care of me.  So far, neither of our cats has leaped on my belly.  I know there's nothing too horrible I can do to ruin this while I'm couch bound... but as other IFers know, every sneeze, laugh, fart makes you nervous you're squeezing out your unborn kids.  So here's to some sticky, sticky little ones burrowing in.

3

So, here we are.  3 fertilized embryos.  Tomorrow is the transfer.  I'm hoping I get to actually do it because I have had some serious abdominal pain issues.  Yesterday I went to work and had such stabbing, sharp belly pain I wound up stuck on my office couch until C came and drove me home.  I cannot describe how intense yesterday was... I was pretty sure I didn't need to go to the hospital, but not totally sure.  C thinks it might just be intense gas as a reaction to the HCG shot I took and all the other meds from 2 procedures this week.  I hope that's all it is because the other option is that I'm overstimmulating and that could potentially cancel my transfer tomorrow.  So... I've never wished for super sonic gas... but I am now.  My belly is so puffy and tender I look preggo.

C went out and bought me all kinds of target stretch pants to try on so I can go to work in them.  Fri. I was walking around with my jeans totally unzipped, and even that felt restrictive.  Not to whine... but the stress, physical discomfort, financial strain, and impact on my career this week has had... has been huge.  I've been doing well lately about not being jealous of women who get pregnant with ease... but today I'm feeling it.  If this doesn't work and this past week and the weeks leading up were for nothing, it will take some serious soul searching to get to a place where I'm okay with that.

C has been amazing this week.  He has been so comforting... I know we'll be okay with whatever outcome all of this ivf has on our lives.... and BFF and family have been amazing, too.  It's takes a village to prep an embryo... that's the saying, right?

5

They retrieved 5 eggs today.  Tomorrow I hear how many fertilized.  All was not lost.  I hope I wake up feeling like I did not have 2 egg retrievals this week.  I am weak and have to be a human at work tomorrow.

Horrible Egg Retrieval...

Before the retrieval I was staring up at the big operating room light thinking "How did I get here?... I'm on an operating table while DH is watching porn in a small doctor's office room nearby and that's how we're trying to make a baby.  I'm missing a lot of work... my male bosses plan their days around my fucking uterine lining...and this is my life.  Okay."  Then I wake up from my procedure and no one is telling me how it went but I hear people talking about calling my RE in Paris.

Turns out they went to take out my eggs in one ovary and there were no eggs.  So they stopped and called it a day.  I've been freaking out all day.  They said it was not good and they weren't sure what happened.  I just got the call that it turns out I didn't trigger at all.  Don't know why, maybe the pharmacy messed up my dose... something to ask about later.  For now, I'm triggering again, this time with HCG which will make me more likely to over stimulate...  I had a shot this morning to suppress my ovulation until then, but there's a chance my eggs will not be sitting there waiting for me on Thursday when take 2 is planned.  I will have an ultrasound before the retrieval to determine if it's worth doing.  I couldn't believe I was leaving there "empty handed" this morning.  Of all the things that are starting to go wrong for me, making eggs is my jam.  I'm good at that.  So this morning was a shock.

So as of a few minutes ago when I got the call... now I at least have hope that MAYBE I will get half the eggs I was making from the one ovary they're going to bust into.  And maybe my body isn't going to be messed up from having ovulation suppression shots on the same day as ovulation trigger shots.  It's been a depressing day.  But less depressing than if I did all this and didn't get any shot at this cycle (because we may need a break to regroup after this) and I don't want to not have even had a chance (my second chance EVER to try and get pregnant).  The one "highlight" of today is the anesthesiologist asked if I was an egg donor or if they were for me.  I thought that was a funny idea and he said egg donors are usually young and attractive so it made sense.  For those of you who don't know me, I'm a regular looking girl and I was in a hair net at the time, so it was a weird moment.  All in all, not the day I was hoping for :(

My ovaries are 8 cms each... the size of lemons.

a normal sized ovary is about 2.5cms.  The RE who did my ultrasound was concerned about how many follicles I have... that I'm in the 100th percentile.  I told him this happened last fresh cycle and I didn't overstimulate, but he said it often happens after you become pregnant and it is not only very uncomfortable, but can lead to miscarriage.  He also said my lining is not awesome.  It's still an 8, but there is no pretty pattern on it.

The good news it the cycle isn't cancelled.  Retrieval is Tues. and transfer is Friday.  The RE said he recommends a day 3 transfer of 3 embryos considering where my lining is and my OHSS (over stim) possibility.   So... here we go.  I'm not feeling as excited after today, but maybe that's a good thing.  We have about 15 mature follicles, so maybe well get another good batch of eggs out.  And maybe my lining will pull through.  One skill DH and I have acquired out of all this: we can breeze through IVF consent forms like we're scratching off lotto tickets.

I'm eating for twenty...

Okay, not really.  And it's more than twenty.  That's how many eggs my RE counted before he stopped.  I'm so bloated right now.  Morning are the worst because there's some connection between having to pee and discomfort so my first morning pee is quite a chore.  Yesterday I had a good but stressful RE appt.  It looks like we're moving forward to a retrieval and fresh transfer.  Why waste so many eggs?  My lining is at an 8, which doc wanted higher... he said for me to start some estrogen for that, and I reminded him that all I was on during my f-ed up FETs was estrogen and maybe that's what gave me cysts... so he held off for now but wants me to do it if my Sunday appt shows no lining growth.  I think I'm going to fight that,  An 8 is still okay and I don't want to mess up the whole cycle.  Of course, my RE will be in Paris so I'll be deciding this with an RE I've never met.  And a different RE will be performing the other procedures.

Yesterday's appt involved me taking noted from my RE on what to make the other RE looked at.  This scared me... why am I in charge of making sure the new guy does everything right?  Then I planned out my meds and sched. with a nurse who didn't know what she was doing cause the reg. nurse was out.  There were several things she didn't know the answer for and I was left to figure them out.  Including the math that lead to what DOSAGE to take.

I couldn't believe it.  I was figuring out stuff that someone more qualified should have been holding my hand through.  If that happens again I will ask her to get help for EVERY question I have if she doesn't know the answer.  It all turned out fine, but I will be double checking everything she told me to do.  Even when she ordered my meds on speaker phone, the pharmacist was correcting her on ordering the wrong  thing for my trigger shot.

Anyway... it's all good.  I just feel bloated.... like insanely bloated.  I wonder how big my ovaries are since each has a ton of eggs brewing.  I go in tomorrow and hopefully I'll be all set to set a day for retrieval and a day for transfer.

if I could turn back time...

I would have blogged through my 1st ivf so I could look back and see if my symptoms are the same.  I'm on Menopur again... 4 vials/day.  At my Tues RE appt, he asked how my weekend was... I said "great.  I'm bloated!"  He thought it was an odd response... but I was excited to feel the drugs working.  I'm not in pain, but I'm uncomfortable, not myself.  I feel like I am more bloated this time, but I can't tell.  I just took my regular shot, plus a Ganorellex (sp?) to prevent ovulation.  For some reason, both shots bled a little tonight.  I am so excited for Friday to find out if I make it to the next step.

So far, so good.

Today's RE appt went really well.  NO cysts.  My lining is at an 8.5!  So this thing is moving forward for now.  I'm really leaning towards doing a full fresh cycle where my eggs are taken out and fresh embryos are put back in.  I am cautiously excited.  I have to remember no matter what happens... at least if I get all the way to some type of transfer, it's progress and some kind of victory.

Aw jeez... it's a comin'

I am getting excited.  I can't help it.  I was doing really well just feeling nothing... now I'm feeling hopeful...  this bubble could pop at any second.  Tomorrow I have an RE appt.  I could find out that everything's looking good and we pick a date for transfer.  Or it could end.  I want to just be zen-ny and calm and let whatever happens, happen.  But I done gone and got excited.

non stop action over here...

A week ago I saw my therapist who I now see about once a month since our schedules don't mix well... I'm busy with work (like, crazy busy) and she is semi retired and is traveling a lot... so I sat down and just recapping what had happened in the last month sounded like a ridiculous soap opera.  Full of ridiculous lows, full of highs in other areas of my life...  as I listed it all, I felt incredibly overwhelmed... but I'm trucking along.  I'm almost a week into my fresh-frozen combo cycle (something my RE said he's never tried, never heard of... not the cheeriest pep talk, but that he thinks makes sense).  I had an US today and my lining is at a 6 but the pattern's nice.. he's upping my meds so I'm taking 4 vials of menapur/day (which is almost $400/day).  And of course IF (capital "if" not "infertility IF) but if I am lucky enough to get to do a transfer,  it's falling on the week where I have some major work things going on, and I'm really hoping that everything lays out smoothly.  Of course, maybe I should learn not to waste energy worrying about scheduling stuff since that dirty rug has been ripped out from under me plenty o' times.  But still, I'm a little concerned about the timing of everything.

I feel less crazy right now.  I know it's still lurking under the surface, but something about the disappointment of the last cycle being cancelled just numbed something in me.  I can't handle absorbing each blow, so I'm just not.  I went out to a street food festival last night and did my shot in the back seat of my sister's car with my sister and my cousin cheering me on... and hipsters frolicking about right outside the windows (which were all lit up so it was like a very unsexy peep show).  And I'm about to do a shot right now.  I'm going through all the motions... again... and hopefully my body will cooperate this time.

cycle update

Today something good happened.  I had my follow up appt with my new Thyroid doc, Dr. L.  It was a 2 min appt.  My levels look good.  he was very positive... listening to my worst case scenario questions and telling me why what we're doing is right and how even if something changes and my levels rise, he's not a reactionary doc and would not change my meds for a while anyway.  Yes, maybe he's too positive and will miss something that will cause a problem. OR he is exactly what I need: a doc who doesn't freak out at my numbers and puts added stress on me.  I'm going to gamble that he knows what he's doing because I can't handle the other option right now.

On Monday I have my appt to start my fresh-fet combo cycle.  If this cycle doesn't work, we will either take a break or do another biopsy/lap to investigate further.  Even just this week, one measly week after my FET was cancelled... I feel so much less crazy.  Still sad, still longing, but way less ready to cry at anything.  Less overwhelmed.  Maybe I'm getting better at receiving bad news.  Maybe I just can't react anymore because it's exhausting.  Honestly, whatever it is, I'm hoping it stays, even if it's unhealthy.  Life is much better right now and i am nervous that starting another cycle next week will put me right back to where I was.

BFF

First off all, BFF -- I think this pic is perfect cause of the egg theme and the toast is taller and i love eggs n toast, but don't read into the weird square body or vacant eyes.

Anyway, BFF is in her 3rd trimester, and I found myself feeling bitter IF anger around her lately because I'm jealous and trying not to think about baby stuff when I don't have to.. plus this week was a sucky one for me.  Today I talked to her all about it and she did an excellent job of absorbing everything I said even though it's hard to hear... but since BFF went through IF herself, she gets it all.  We talked about how I'm nervous about how I'll handle the whole joyous birth thing, about how I'm nervous about how we work together and all day people talk to us about her pregnancy and we're gearing up for that to increase since she's popping now.  And we talked about how it sucks that she's going through this time where normally your best friend is available for onesie (see, I'm so infertile I don't even know how to spell that)... onesie shopping or whatever else regular happy girl friends do with their pregnant BFFS.  And how I'm just not capable of doing those things with her right now.  Just having talked about it today, I feel better.  The trickiest thing for me (and maybe her) is my moods change so much.. like right now, this very second, if it weren't 10 pm on a Sunday, I think I could handle baby-themed shopping.  But a lot of the time I can't.  Our situation sucks, we knew it would... and i think it's about to get harder since my shit's getting more complicated and scary for me as her stuff is getting really exciting and happy.  I think we both deserve free cruises or a whole showcase showdown's worth of prizes for everything we've had to deal with since both of us had to deal with ivf and what we have to deal with right now.

a new IF low today.

So today my boss brought his 4 week old baby into work for us all to meet her.  I was standing in a circle with a bunch of coworkers (including my preggo BFF) when my boss held his baby up to me and told her I "had a baby in my belly" and so did my friend.  I couldn't speak cause i was shocked.  My friend corrected him that I am not pregnant.  I told him a couple months ago that I was doing ivf... I guess he figured i must be pregnant by now.  He didn't mean anything bad by it -- he just has no idea what the ins and outs of IVF are... but I've never heard those words since I've never been pregnant... so it floored me.  And my coworkers must've been confused or thinking I really am KU.  I held back the tears until I could sneak away but it was one of my worst moments on this whole IF journey.

bad start to the day

Today started with a breakfast meeting where quite a bit of the conversation revolved around kids.  We were scheduling a few meetings and I kept seeing days on my calendar that had stuff scheduled and I'd click on it for info and it would be my Beta or doc appts that no longer apply since my cycle was cancelled.  Today was supposed to be my FET and though I wasn't upset when I woke up and drove to work, the kids stuff there that started my day just was not good for me.

I'm also busy to the point that I don't have time to process these feelings.  I also am too busy to see my therapist now, which is probably not great.  Not sure where it's all going.

Cancelled.

So much to report from today.  My RE visit went horribly.  My lining stayed at 7 and had developed those same cysts as last time.  RE is confused... recommended another biopsy that might lead to laproscopic surgery... searching for something, not going in with a target.  He called the cysts "red flags" but he wasn't sure for what.  C and I decided not to do this procedure... we opted for trying a fresh cycle (because my lining was fine when I did all those meds) but it will be hard on my body, emotionally and financially.  My RE isn't confident in this, but he isn't confident we need the biopsy... he isn't sure what to do... though has seen it before and has not given up on us... we're just in this scary place of really guessing at what to do.  How the fuck did it get so complicated?  I was just not ovulating... now I have some rare uterine lining issue.  C pointed out that as US machines become more advanced, they can detect more.  So maybe these cysts are not a big deal... they're just isn't much knowledge about them yet.  So, we're gambling on something that was already a gamble to start with.

In my gut, I feel that I am someone who is capable of getting preggo.... it's just more complicated than we thought.  I might look into REs who have more experience with lining issues... but for now, I'm going to try a fresh cycle and then hopefully (cause nothing seems to work anymore) get to transfer some frozens.  I'm so discouraged.  So far away from this actually working.

I wonder how many hours I've clocked working towards these cycles that didn't work.  This includes doc appts, pharmacy trips, phone calls to both of those, emails with nurses, online research, food, diet, eating my emotions, exercise, meditations, acupuncture, following old wives tales, good luck routines/charms, SCHEDULING, WORRYING, talking about it, blogging, reading, therapy appts, shots, pills and planning.  For shit that hasn't worked.

something amazing happened on day 1 of my trip!

First of all, airport security did not question my weird mini cooler of ice packs and vag suppositiries... nor did they ask about my needles.  Yay for me and my travel ease... boo for safe airports.  DH and I already decided this is an awesome trip because last night, after I explained to my dad (who is known for accidentally eating things he shouldn't like other people's left overs) not to eat the vag suppositories I left in my parents' fridge.... my mom refeered to my suppositories as...

vagina burgers!

My new favorite IF term... no wait, my new favorite slang for everything!  See people, sometimes amazing things come out of IF.  Yes, I'd prefer to start a family with ease, but this almost makes my many months of struggle worth it.

high maintenance traveler

I'm about to travel cross-country for a wedding.  I'm a little nervous because I have to travel with needles (which I have a medical letter for) and with my vag suppositories which have to stay refrigerated... plus I have an U/S first thing Monday morning so I can't be stranded on the East Coast.  Another thing I don't feel great about is missing a day of work for a wedding when I'm missing so much for doc appts.  I just couldn't bring myself to cancel... there's something symbolic about going for me... like I'm not penalizing myself for my medical days and still getting to do something happy.  Plus I'm hoping to have to take 2 days off for bedrest soon, but if IF-Gods forbid, my FET gets canceled and I canceled my trip in anticipation of my FET, I think I'd want to jab a Delestrogen needle in my eye.  I'm hoping the trip goes well.  If for some reason they won't let me on the plane with my needles/meds... I will not go.

The big appt did not go well.

It could have been worse.  It could have been cancelled... or he could have discovered my uterus had fallen out over the weekend... but what did happen wasn't great.  My lining pattern looked good, but it is still a 7, just like last week.  My RE was concerned about why we're struggling.  He went through my whole file, then went to consult his partners.  Then he decided to try Estradial suppositories which he never uses so he he had to call the pharmacy to ask questions about it.  He's a good doc, I just don't like being an enigma.  I don't like that at this point he's experimenting outside his normal protocall system. He didn't seem very confident that this cycle will be okay... just said we'll have to see what happens next week.  I was an hour late to work and had to insert my suppository in my office because the pharmacist said it would instantly dissolve and drip out if I didn't put my legs up.  She was right... iI had to lower the blinds, lay down on our couch and do by far the weirdest thing I've ever done in my office.  I feel so defeated right now.  I try not to worry about the unknown, but things keep popping up out of nowhere to get in the way of moving forward.

weekend get-a-way

DH and I went to a wedding a few hours away, and for most of the weekend, I felt like my pre-IF self.  I didn't think a ton about kids or lack there of... the people I hung out with weren't talking  about IF or worse... plain old F... there were only a couple kids at the wedding and I managed to avoid them as much as I could.  It was a good trip.  And I'm feeling pretty positive about my upcoming FET.  Tues is the big ultrasound where we'll decide if it looks good to go, we will pick an exact day, and then I just have one more appt before actual transfer.    I hope this feeling sane things lasts.

My thyroid has been swept off her feet.

Things have been so busy lately I haven't had time to play on IF websites, or blog, or google... which, though I love doing all that... is a good thing.  I've been so busy with family in town and work and doc appts and other stuff that I haven't had any spare time to do more than a quick email check.  IF wise - I finally feel okay...

I went to an new endo on Mon., Dr. L.  He was awesome.  He told me that from now on, he'll worry about my thyroid and I shouldn't at all... I've been waiting so long to hear that.  I think he could see how upset I was.  I'm thrilled that he said I'd be okay, but I'm also hating that the other docs I went to a year ago scared me so much.  Maybe this new doc is too laid back.. time will tell.. but I'm taking that chance.

 I have been waiting so long to have a competent doc who actually gives a crap about my Thyroid (I still love my RE, but I now get that though he is awesome about the intricacies of fertility meds, anything outside of his definition of that does not apply.)  So now there's a guy who will be looking out for me.  I feel so relieved... for all I know, Dr. L could be some crazy, sociopath, serial killer... but my first impression tells me I can trust him.  Today I had my first ultrasound since i started my FET meds and all is well.  Next week's ultrasound will be the big one that determines if my lining is good enough for the transfer... so now I'll just try and relax, take my meds and hang in until then.  Plus there's so much other stuff going on, I'm hoping the next week will fly by too.

getting my body in line...

So, I am pretty nervous right now about my Thyroid messing up this cycle.  I keep reading contrasting opinions on what is okay before you should start TTC.  And I have 2 weeks (normally you need 6ish) to see if my levels have changed... but I have 2.  Meanwhile I'm taking my pills and shots and counting down the days until my transfer... but it could all get cancelled in a heartbeat if my Thyroid is out of whack... I'm trying to ignore it right now.  This is either something I'll look back on and think "Wow, I was so worried for nothing." or it's something I'll look back on as the reason why yet another cycle is cancelled... I know it doesn't sound like the end of the world, but  I'm not feeling very invincible these days and I'm pretty sure another setback right now would kick my butt.

Monday I have an appt with an Endocrinologist so at least from that point on I will have someone overseeing this who will actually oversee it... I just hope this one is very different from my last weirdo Endo... ie: no old man in overalls hanging out behind the counter in the office, no being obsessed with my husband (long story but he would only ask about my husband and give me things to give to my husband), and no pulling books off shelves from the seventies to read his old publications to me instead of answering my medical questions... so my standards are pretty low.  Except that this new doc I know almost nothing about is now holding my FET fate in his hands.

the man behind the curtain...

Well, I still really like my RE, but today he has let me down for the first time.  When I switched over to this RE, I was coming off a communications mess between my crazy endocrinologist who was managing my Thyroid issues and my exRE who was horrible all around.  I asked my current RE if he would be comfortable managing my Thyroid so one person was in charge of all of my IF meds for now.  He agreed.  Since then I've pushed to have my levels checked and he has always been laid back about it.  My levels have always been okay.  So a week ago I got my levels checked (per my request) and i've been playing phonetag with the nurses and the RE was supped to call me back with results.  So, here I am starting my FET cycle today and I finally find out my levels are really high.  When my RE finally called me back, he said he thinks I should go to another doctor to manage my Thyroid because he doesn't really do that stuff.  WHY THE FUCK IS HE JUST TELLING ME THIS NOW???  I could have already done this so it wouldn't be popping up my first day of injections, during an extremely busy month for me.  I'm trying to be laid back this cycle, but crap like this doesn't help.  I still trust him, just not 100% anymore.  I was madly in love with his office, with him as a doctor... and now I feel like it has been reduced to "like."  Hopefully my levels will come down and not get in the way of me getting pregnant/give my unborn baby birth defects.  I had a 20 min meltdown (sounds like I'm coming out with a new work out CD where you cry the calories off... healthy, right?)  but then C put me in the car and got me In & Out.  I was instantly calmer... I think hunger and starting my cycle meds today played a part in my little fit... but I think most of it was just feeling exhausted from a year and a half of frequent doctors appts, managing my own health care, giant bills and just a ton of disappointments.  To my beloved friends and family who check in here who luckily have not had to go through IF first hand, I know I sound whiny and negative... it is just a constant struggle.  I believe something good will come in the end, but right now, I'm tired.

I would totally go visit Zelda Rubenstein if I could...

Or I guess her character in Teen Witch.  I feel like I would use some magical powers to make this FET go smoothly.  But since I have limited access to tiny witches, I am just trying to will my body to work properly this cycle.  My period came today, right on time... so step one can get checked off.  Here is a list of what needs to go right this cycle:

1. I need to take my meds according to their instructions (which this go around, there are a lot of rules to follow)

2. My lining needs to grow and cooperate (no weird black spots on the ultrasound this time.

3.  My embryos need to survive the thaw.

4.  Transfer needs to go smoothly.

5.  I need to stay as calm as possible despite this being a rather stressful month so my body can focus on implantation

6. Those embies need to get comfy and implant

7. My PCOS needs to stay the f*#^ in check and not mess with the delicate hormonal balance of this whole process

8. Same for my Thyroid

9. Positive Beta

I'm not going past this because I just need to focus on getting that far.  I'm hoping that nothing new pops up to get in the way of this cycle.  I'm just trying to check each item off the concern list one by one... and just getting my period on time was a great start.  Maybe this is The One.

if you're ridiculous, get off my front porch

Yesterday I was minding my own business in the privacy of my own house, when there was a knock at my door.  It was a girl, maybe 16 or 17 years old.  1st thing out of her mouth: "Are you the mom of the house?"  I said no.  She asked if there were kids who lived here.  I said no.  She asked a few more kids questions and I had to explain to her that shockingly, there were no kids here.  Zero.  Her "children's educational services" would be of NO value to me right now because I don't have kids.  It was a weird conversation.  If she were a few years older, I would have been a lot more blunt.

bosses say the darndest things

Lately my boss keeps saying stuff about my preggo BF/coworker that is so not IF sensitive, I have to laugh.  (I don't know if he knows that I'm doing ivf stuff, so it's not his fault... it just still sucks for me.)    Yesterday he asked where we wanted to go to lunch, I started to answer and he interrupted and said, "Not you.  I'm talking to the pregnant one."  He was being very thoughtful (to her, not so much to me), wanting to make sure, since she's preg, that she was comfortable with our lunch choice.  Stuff like this has happened a few times, and for some reason I don't usually get too upset about it.  I just think it's funny how the stuff comes out of nowhere... and knocks the wind out of me... then I go on with my day.

I'm not totally selfish!

Today was great.  Not for any particular reason.  One thing that happened was my boss had a baby... and i felt nothing but happy and excited for him.  I've been feeling so bitter and self-absorbed, and not having any energy to do more than just get through each day... that I was starting to not even want to see pictures of babies, let alone celebrate them.  But today I felt nothing but joy, which gives me great hope for my BF's upcoming birth in Nov.  I've been reading other infertiles' accounts of their BF's having kids, and they write about how it brings up a lot of emotions for them and is a very trying time.  I've been worrying about how I will react, and after today, I feel like when it actually happens (because right now I'm just coming to terms with how real it's all getting) that I will be able to (hopefully) mostly put aside my own crap and just be happy and excited for all parties involved.  So BF, if you're reading, this time right now sucks, but there is some hope for us even if I am still dealing with IF when you give birth.

My relaxing weekend.

I did a bunch of relaxing stuff (including starting to meditate) and for some reason, this weekend was full of crazy moments.  I got upset Friday night and it sort of went straight through until today.  I didn't shave my head, but I wasn't too far off.  I am learning more about what some of my triggers are (beyond the obvious ones) and even though most of them I can't control being exposed to, the ones I can, I need to get better about planning ahead to avoid/cope.  This was also my last weekend with time to myself for a month, so hopefully this was just me letting it all out to get ready for that.  There's fun and a lot of stuff to keep me occupied coming up until my FET, so hopefully there will be a lot less crazy-town.  

Ohhhmmmm?

Last night I was feeling quite bitter about IF.  I woke up feeling much more zen then when I went to sleep. Now I'm wondering if I can pull off a real relaxing weekend.  I have been meaning to try daily meditation for the longest time, but I never make time for it or really know what to do.  As my FET sits on the calendar a month away, I have a lot of negative thoughts running through my head.  I want to try and minimize them for the sake of my cycle.  On the off chance that me feeling bitter and angry has a direct effect on my uterine lining, I'm going to try and diffuse all that.  Try.  So, at some point today I'm going to make myself sit and meditate, just for five minutes.  If I say any more than that, I won't really do it.  If it helps in even the slightest way today, I'll try it again tomorrow.  If not, I'll chuck it in the "pile" of crap I've tried to help get me preggo.

happy juice

Okay, I drank a little today.  Had my RE follow up visit.  Started with RE saying my results from my biopsy weren't in and my stomach dropped.  I thought I'd have answers today.  Then they had me wait while the called to see if they could get me any info... and they did.  I'm normal!  Or at least my lining is.  So, I am now scheduled to do a frozen transfer on 8/19 if all goes well.  I am a little excited, but am trying not to be.  I am already getting way ahead of myself.  If this works, I will be 3 months preg when I go home for Thanksgiving and can announce it to my whole family in person.  And I'd be just at the end of my 1st trimester when my BF gives birth.

 As I have already learned, all this can go away quickly, so I'm trying to just go through the motions, stay relatively positive, and just get past each hurdle.

Sorry if I infected anyone

So, based on an LA Times article I read a couple days ago - there's a new study that says:  "it appears that you can catch happiness. Or sadness. Moreover, the "recovery time" doesn't depend on your contacts at all, which is a hallmark of diseases but surprising in an emotional context, since continuing contact with happy or sad people could be expected to affect one's emotional state even after the initial "infection.""


So if you are reading any of my blog entries, there's a chance you've read something depressing.  Like, a 97% chance.  So I hope it doesn't spread to you.  I am shockingly in a great mood right now.  Just went for a long walk up lots of hills with C who said walking with me after work is the highlight of his day (awwww).  Work was pleasant.  Morning meeting tomorrow postponed so I don't have to get up early.  Things are good.

when does the change of perspective happen?

So, there's a girl I barely knew in high school who is very open with her personal life on Facebook.  Melissa.  She got pregnant last year, posted it right away.  A few weeks later, miscarried, and posted all about that, too.  My heart went out to her.  So when she got pregnant again, she posted all about that, too.  As I'm bombarded daily with her ultrasounds, nursery pics, horrible, cheesy name polls... even though it's annoying, I still remember when she lost her last pregnancy.  This morning (as I am up since 4 am  because I have weird heartburn) I read her Facebook post about being up with heartburn, too.  She went on to say she's "so over it" ("it" being her pregnancy.  So, at what point after you struggle with getting/staying pregnant do you drop that feeling of being so amazed and happy that you are having a healthy pregnancy and start whining about how inconvenient it all is?  I'm sure someday when I'm pregnant, I'll do the same.. but now sitting here on the other side of it where I wish I was up from pregnancy heartburn and not because I tried to eat/drink myself happy last night from this constant fog of IF depression - I'm so over it.

tired.

I feel tired... like, emotionally tired.  Physically, I'm post-cry tired, cause that's been happening a lot the past few days.  I wonder what I could do with my brain/life skill set if I took all of the constant thoughts and energies I put towards my infertility into anything else.  I could be an amazing flautist  by now.  I believe there will be an end to this but it can't come soon enough.

Do I look skinnier?

Cause I had an endometrial biopsy today!  I am just now de-groggifying from my morning drugs.  As you can tell, I survived the procedure.  The other good news: they didn't find anything weird.  Now we just wait for the biopsy results to hopefully comeback normal.  My BF/coworker told me that when people asked where I was today (not my boss, he already knows) she just explained that since we do everything together, and she already went through infertility, that now it's my turn.  I'm glad I can just show up tomorrow and they'll all know without me having to tell them.


As I was being put under this morning, I was feeling so upset for all the women who need procedures like I was having but never get this far because of money.  Then I read this today:
"Fewer than 150,000 IVF procedures (out of a pool of more than 1.5 million women/couples that are believed to be in need of IVF) are currently performed yearly in the United States. In other words, fewer than 10% of patients who need IVF gain access to this treatment. "  I need to look into what to do to change this.  

like the pic says...

I am feeling quite antsy about this whole baby making thing.  Want to fast forward through Thursday's procedure, through waiting for results, through the weeks leading up to the next FET (if I'm lucky and nothing holds us up again).  I also feel a looming chaos... things at work are picking up a little, hours getting a little longer, some outside of work projects are about to start up, the guy renting our condo is moving in with his girlfriend so we need to find a new person and do all the crap that goes along with that... plus we have a generally busy summer... at least time will go quickly as I struggle to stay on top of all of this.  I shouldn't update this thing right after I get home from work when I'm tired and hungry... or it will always be downer-town.  Sorry.  Here are a couple of not whiny things to send you off on a better note: my drive home wasn't terribly trafficy, I rediscovered scotch this weekend and plan on sipping it a few more times before my next FET, my cats are being exceptionally adorable this evening and I wore shoes today that are new and shiny and make me pretty happy.  I didn't say they would be exciting tidbits, just not negative.

two things that make me very happy

1. My cats.

2. Swimming with friends.

Today I got to enjoy both.  Not at the same time.

back in the race... the long, long race.

Good news: I found out that if I have that hysteroscopy/biopsy procedure... if it turns out my inner-junk is in working order (my lining is hormonally balanced, no sneaky polyps or anything) then I can start my next FET cycle right after that.  So unless they find something wrong I don't lose much time.  Of course, I have learned to not assume anything, so my RE could find something that holds us up... but I'm feeling optimistic for some reason.

Also, it was pretty anti-climactic, but I "came out" to my boss since I know I have to take a day off next week.  He said all the right things... told me to never feel guilty about the time off.  he was very sweet.... now I'm just sort of waiting for an opportunity to tell my coworkers so they will maybe, possibly, learn to phrase some of the baby talk a little more gently.

But it feels so good to not care if someone overhears my RE phone calls, to not care if I walk out of the middle of a work thing to take my RE's calls, leave my meds out/take my meds without feeling self conscious, take off from work without lying about it...  I don't care who knows now.  Almost.

I did it on principle.

Yesterday I went to two events... both fun.  Both included baby talk from strangers.  Mostly the first one where I was seated next to a women complaining about having her 2 yr. old daughter too quickly.  I considered sharing my tale with her but chose not to since I'm pretty sure she was just making small talk.  

Then there was a toast where the speaker listed the goals of the guests of honor and it was all about starting families, enjoying motherhood, blah, blah, blah.  C and I just laughed.  Out loud.

Later that night I went to a b-day dinner... I had a really fun time, and even though I wasn't planning on it... I decided to have a Sunday night margarita just as an f-you to my not being preggers.  I think I'll draw the line at occasional f-you drinks/soft cheeses/sushi.  No cigarette 'n' crystal meth benders for me... so don't worry.  I can stop the other stuff whenever I want.  And I will when I eventually need to.

Oh, mama.

-

Despite what sitcoms say, not all moms/mother-in-laws are naggy and annoying. I know many people dealing with IF either keep it from their families or go to their families for support and instead get horrible things said to them.  My parents and my in-laws have all been incredibly supportive.  I am very lucky.  My mom (who I'm close with) has had her ear jibber-jabbered off ever since we decided to start trying with all of my pre TTC, then TTC, then not being able to conceive calls... then today I got this from my mother-in-law (who I love, but am still getting to know) out of no where:

Hang in there.  Know things are a little uncertain still and it's hard not to worry.  It may take longer than expected, but the babies will come.  We love you.  Be well.


I think because we were very open with our families, and they saw (almost) first hand how hopeful we were, how I had to excuse myself from family functions to jab needles in me, the phone calls/emails with medical details... the picture we sent of our perfect embryos (that didn't take) etc... this email from my MIL was a reminder that even though life is sort of going on... our families know what we just went through... and still are some of our biggest cheerleaders.  Neither set of parents have ever pressured us to have kids, or been the least bit pushy about it.  And now they're all just being so amazing about it.  I feel very lucky in that respect.  


And this is the end of my dreaded first week back at work... and despite some of the bad things I was worried about totally happening like:


 -tons of baby talk/pictures being shared among the people expecting at work (we all work in the same room all day so this was unavoidable ...  cell phone pics of nurseries and ultrasounds literally being passed OVER me
-my coworker who used to drink decaf coffee with me last year is now only brewing pots of regular because now he has a kid and jokingly told me to "get pregnant" if I want to be drink buddies with him (don't look for logic in that.. there wasn't)
-another coworker who asked if since my BFF was preg, if I was planning to as well
-my boss asked if I was pregnant as a joke because I was drinking an alcoholic beverage at our work bbq
-another coworker bragged about being able to get anyone pregnant since he got his wife pregnant immediately both times they tried.


This was just one week of work.  And these are just some of the moments.  Still... most of them rolled off my back.  They don't know about my IF, so I can't blame them.  It's just a lot to take in everyday... but I was surprisingly okay with it all.  No tears.  No discreetly sneaking off to take some deep breaths.  I'm sure there will be a day when one of those comments get to me, but I survived week one.

I wouldn't mind if...

I didn't have to walk by a fountain every day where kids adorably frolic.  This thing makes every kid... even not so cute ones, look exceptionally cute.  It's a freakin' Norman Rockwell type scene that will happen everyday until the end of summer.

I also wouldn't mind if I could carry on a conversation without either discussing or my mind wandering to infertility.  I am such a One Note Sally.  I can't wait for this part of my life to pass.... not just so I can finally have children... but so I'm somewhat interesting to talk to again.

What did you do on your summer break?

Most people's summers are just starting... but the big back to work question for me was "What did you do over break?"  For my job, that was April-today.  Supposed to be a very simple question.  I could have answered "Oh... countless doc appts, shots, meds, hopes crushed, blah, blah, blah..." but since I'm still in the IF closet at work, I just answer quickly and change the subject.

Aside from that, today was actually refreshing.  Work kept my mind occupied.  I felt like there are actually other parts to me than just my IF.  Still, it is unsettling to have nothing planned right now.  No appt. to look forward to... no timeline.  Just waiting for my RE to come back from his perfectly timed vacation to help me decide what my next step is.  Maybe it's a good thing to not spend my first day back at work on the phone with my doc.  Of course I came home to see my latest bank statement where we paid off our IF bills... it made me gulp.  I knew it was coming but wow, it's still shocking.  At least we went for the back up plan and our 2nd IVF is already paid for (if teh FETs don't work).  I was hoping that money would have been a waste of a gamble because we'd already be preggo.  

Yes, IF costs a ton of $.  Yes, IF taints (ha - I said taint) every day.  But today was still a pretty good day.